Liz Hansen - When in Berlin

 

In 2016, I was 41 years old, living in San Francisco with my partner, and we weren't getting along. We had weathered three miscarriages. The message that the culture gives about miscarriage is really confusing. It's at once completely taboo to evoke a dead baby, and yet there's also this flavor of dismissal that makes you think you should just be able to get over it really quickly. And so, I was in a lot of emotional pain, and really confused about the depth of it, and also not wanting to talk about it. 

 

One of the things I did to feel better was go see a hypnotherapist. She offered to provide this healing visualization for me. So I go. It's all very relaxing. It's in this very dark room. She's guiding me through all these relaxing things until she prompts me to imagine a healing chamber and a room that I can put myself in. What comes to mind is me naked, prone, and there's a woman behind me flogging me. [audience laughter] Like, a dominatrix is whipping my back. [audience laughter] 

 

So, at the end of the session, I'm really confused [audience laughter] and embarrassed, and I don't tell her about it, and I'm thinking like, “Okay, I'm already in a lot of pain. And if the answer to this pain is to hire someone to inflict more pain, okay.” So, I go home and I'm curious, and I'm also desperate to feel better. So, I get online and I'm like, “Okay, it should be easy to find a dominatrix in San Francisco. [audience laughter] But what I really want is reviews. So, I go to Yelp. [audience laughter] [audience cheers] 

 

So, I go to Yelp, and there are no doms on Yelp. [audience laughter] I forget about it. Like, it's too much work and it's weird. [audience laughter] So, [chuckles] over the course of the following year, the relationship ends and we just crumble under the weight of grief. It's really sad I'm not a mom. I'm in therapy and time helps, but there are always these sneak attacks that lurk everywhere, like who knew that I was going to have a panic attack in the baby section of IKEA, or getting an invite to a kid's birthday party can level me for days. I can't go, I don't want to go, I have to go, I can't go. Anyway. 

 

I don't know, a few years later, I'm visiting one of my brothers in Europe, and he suggest we go to Berlin for a couple of days. [audience laughter] And I'm like, “What am I going to do in Berlin?” [audience laughter] And I think “Oh, well, yeah, it's a really sexually open place.” Like, “If you're going to do the thing, this is the place to do it.” So, I don't tell him about this. This is all my own pervy hypnosis, it's private still. [audience laughter] And so, I get online and I find a dominatrix with reviews. [audience laughter] What's great is that she's actually like a sex educator, and she likes to work with women who are shut down and to help them. 

 

So, I email her, and I explain my trauma and my sadnesses, and ask her if this work might be helpful. And she says, "Yes, absolutely, this is very courageous work. I would be happy to help you with this." So, the day comes and we're in this room that has this giant California king-sized mattress on the floor. It's what I now call the Berlin Queen. [audience laughter] But it's like there are all kinds of toys and implements surrounding the room. I'm really nervous. But we chat and we come up with a plan. It starts really mellow. It's just like a lot of breath work, just like embodiment. And then, she starts to move my limbs around and it feels like Thai massage, like someone doing yoga to your body. 

 

I start to open up, and I feel really guarded, and I chalk it up to nervousness. But then I feel, like, the sadness starting to come up and I'm just like, “No, you can't cry now.” I'm really pissed. I'm just like, “When is this depression ever going to stop?” Like, I thought this was supposed to help. And the more I'm fighting it, the more panicky the tears become. She notices and she says, “This is totally normal with this kind of work. When you're opening the body, emotions rise to the surface and you have to welcome them." And so, then I just start to ugly cry. [audience chuckles] 

 

What happens next is really remarkable. I feel like I'm this pathetic lump of a woman on the ground, and she just embraces me with so much compassion, and she starts to kind of rock me and soothe me, and I get all of this opening. It's remarkable. I start to feel this feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. I start to feel safe in my body. And with that safety comes relief. At the end, I'm just in awe of how at peace I am. I tell her ever the overachiever, I was still really curious about this vision that I had that led me to her, [chuckles] and I was like, "Well, but I mean if we did more the pain and the stuff, would it be better, would I heal faster, more better?" 

 

She just cuts me off and she says words that I would never expect to hear coming out of the mouth of a dominatrix. She says, "I don't think the answer to your pain is more pain." And in that moment, I knew that I had received this big gift. I go home, return from the trip, and I end up adopting a dog, and then another dog. And now, when the hard stuff arises, I try to remember the answer to pain is not pain. The answer to pain is listening. Thank you.