CJ Hunt - Mr. Tough Guy

 

Give me liberty. When I think about that theme, I get really excited, because I remember that I'm going to move in a week and I am finally free of my lease with my current landlord. [audience laughter] This is officially my first year living in a New York apartment. I've learned all the lessons that you learn when you are brand new to the city. You know, like the newbie beginner lesson. One lesson I've learned in our apartment, is that every time that there is a maintenance problem with the apartment, my girlfriend and I are suddenly thrust into some weird game show called Is CJ a Man Yet? [audience laughter] 

 

I don't know the rules of this show. The stakes are always incredibly high for no reason and the challenges are always, like, “We're going to find out just how much sewage can pour into the apartment before CJ has the balls to call the landlord.” Those are the challenges. I didn't understand before moving here that apartment issues are relationship tests. [audience laughter] It's like, how much do you love me? How much courage is in there? 

 

Recently, some guys were smoking weed in our apartment. Not in our apartment, but in the lobby of our apartment. And the smoke was just coming in under the door. And my girlfriend said to me the words that no coward wants to hear ever, which is, “You need to go talk to those men.” [audience laughter] Cowards in the audience, clap it up. It's okay. [audience laughter] It's okay. You're scared to clap. It's okay. [audience laughter] You know where you are. You're like, “I'll just nod and agree.” [audience laughter] 

 

You never want to hear that, “Go talk to those men.” Because my first reaction is the same as when I was on the schoolyard. I'm like, “I don't know those boys,” [audience laughter] but I need to go talk to them. But you don't say that to your girlfriend. What you say is, “Of course, babe.” Because that's the only thing you can say in that situation. Because even though I'm deathly afraid of conflict, like, if you are messing with the person I love, it's a problem. If you are making the woman I love uncomfortable in our home, you bet I'm going to come tell you something. So, I said, “Babe, I'm going to go tell him something. All right? You don't worry.” 

 

I walked out and all confident, I was like, “Excuse me, gentlemen.” I'm just trying to get by. [audience laughter] And just scooted to the mailboxes and then just checked my mail and was like, “Nothing. Okay, can I get back in? Have a fun day with the weed guys. Have a fun. Have a fun reefer smoke, guys.” I just wish that I was brave. Like, I wish that I had the courage to be like, “Hey, this is a building. Don't do that in here. But I don't have that bravery, but I'm working on it.” [audience applause] 

 

That's what I like about live storytelling shows, that feeling of we're all just working on it, right? We're all just trying to be braver versions of ourself. There's something about watching someone come up to the mic where you're like, “Yes, I want to be brave as well.” We have a storyteller who when asked about the last liberty that he took, he told us that he doesn't take liberties. He's just the type of rule follower that if he got stopped at a broken red light in the middle of the desert, he would die in his car. [audience laughter] I'm glad it hasn't happened, so that you can welcome to the stage Mr. Nathan Englander.