Host: Dan Kennedy
[murmuring]
Dan: [00:01:34] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I am Dan Kennedy. This week we have an entire episode of The Moth Radio Hour for you right here on the podcast. Stories from Isaiah Owens, Amy Cohen, and Greg Walloch is on board to tell a favorite of mine that will really make you rethink the Devil and cake. How many stories can make you rethink the Devil and cake? Sit back and enjoy this episode of The Moth Radio Hour.
[Uncanny Valley theme music by The Drift playing]
Sarah: [00:02:10] From PRX, this is The Moth Radio Hour. I am Sarah Austin Jenness from The Moth and I will be your host this time. The Moth is a place for true personal stories. It started in New York in 1997, but now we produce events all around the world. Audiences pack these intimate venues to hear stories from people they have never met before and everyone leaves more connected.
This episode has three stories. A boy is cast out of his family when he falls in love with funerals. Greg Walloch confronts an evangelical minister who wants to cure his cerebral palsy. And Amy Cohen, in this first story, needs to make a life-or-death decision.
[murmuring]
Amy told this story at a Moth called In Harm's Way: Stories about Danger. If you have never been to a Moth Mainstage, we introduce each storyteller by way of a question related to the night's theme. And the night Amy told her story, the question was, "What is your irrational fear?" She answered, "I have so many irrational fears, I don't know where to begin. My fear is that I'm going to develop more irrational fears." She sounds very excited as she tells this story, [cheers and applause] but if you have met Amy, you know she always sounds like that. Here is Amy Cohen, live at The Moth.
Amy: [00:03:30] So I, as you now know, have always been a very fearful person. And as a child, I was the little kid who was gripping the stairs in the shallow end with the floaties and the kickboard. And as an adult, I was the person who would see a spot on her leg and think, "Oh, my God. It's cancer," only to realize that it was newsprint from the Sunday Times. [audience chuckles] Yeah. And, I mean, I did not think that I was strong enough for electrolysis, let alone the diagnosis I got when I was 38, when I found out that I had tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which is often called the breast cancer gene. And I got tested because the women in my family get breast cancer. My mom, my sister, my aunts, my grandmother, they all had it. And when you test positive immediately, like within five seconds, you are assigned an oncologist and they tell you just in case. And I said “It felt like I was taking my first drink and signing up for rehab, you know, just in case.” [chuckle]
And the other weird thing about the test is that they call it a predictive, meaning that it is supposed to predict your chances of getting breast cancer throughout your life, which are said to be as high as 86%. But the weird thing for me was it is sort of hard to understand, is that I felt like I had it. I felt like I had it already. And no one was sort of giving me the legitimacy of saying, like, "We have it already." So, I felt like it was in me. So, I was so anxious all the time. And one of the ways that it manifested was I was constantly giving myself breast exams. So, I would be at dinner with friends, and I would be like, "Oh, yeah. The tandoori chicken sounds really good." [laughter] Yeah. And I was just a wreck. And I started to think, "You really need to do something."
And they tell you that you really only have two options. And the options are aggressive monitoring or a prophylactic mastectomy. And so, I started thinking about that. But one of my big fears was, “Am I strong enough for this? Is it going to be okay? Or am I going to explode like a cheap Chinese firecracker? I did not know.” So, the strong one in my family has always been my sister, and never more so than in the year that she had breast cancer. And she is just one of those amazing people who whipped up lemon tarts for a radiologist, and smiled when blood was drawn. And the joke that we had, and it is so true, is that I said I was hoping I could keep up with your exercise schedule when you were on chemo. But clearly, I was wrong.
And we always said that it was my mom's legacy of how to deal with breast cancer. You know like you are going to kick cancer's ass. And our mom had breast cancer the first time in 1972, and it was really considered a death sentence by many. And she had a really serious case, and it was a miracle she survived. And she was always so happy to be alive after that she got excited about the littlest things. And she would say, like, "You know DADDY and I went to Morocco and we bought bananas from a toothless woman who was selling them with her feet." And it was like, "Woo, that's so exciting." [chuckle]
And my mom actually had a very, very radical double mastectomy. And in the early 70s, they really gouged you out. So, in profile, she really looked a very delicate letter C. And, I mean, we had no nudity in our household. And I think I always thought that was part of it. And I used to joke that in our house, nudity was the state of existence between the shower and your towel. That’s it. [audience chuckles] Because my mom was always really, really self-conscious. And I always thought it was because of her mastectomies. And so, in addition to worrying about everything else, I really worried that I would hate my body as much as I always thought my mom hated hers. And so, I called my sister and I said, "You know, I'm thinking about getting this operation." And she said, "What took you so long?"
And I thought that was particularly amazing because seven years before my sister got breast cancer, she actually had a double mastectomy. And it is very, very rare that anyone gets it. And in fact, the doctor said, "We've only heard about this happening once in Europe." So, we really felt like, "Oh, my God, is this really us?" But it wasn’t. My sister is so incredible that she has been just a model to us all, but she was one of the 3% to 7% who got it. And she was so encouraging of my getting it that I decided to schedule the operation and I could cancel at any time. That was what I kept on saying, "Cancel at any time."
So, I started telling people that I was going to have the operation. And the first thing I said is "I can't believe I have to get rid of my breasts," which I actually liked. I mean, I actually liked them, and they are very perky little A-cups, like, people with like, it was sort of like a-- I do not know, like a demitasse cup. I mean, they are tiny. [giggles] And I said, "Why do I have to be getting rid of those? Why cannot I be getting a cellulite ectomy? [audience laughter] That would be good.”
But I think part of it too was that I really did not-- I wanted to sort of set the tone for how people were going to deal with me. I did not want any pity. And one of the weird things too is that I was so anxious and so, down. I mean, I was down for so many months when I found out that I was really afraid that if I did not set the tone, people were going to bring me down. So, I was very much like, "This is how we're going to deal with it. Please just respect that." And people were really good. But still I really felt like someone might freak me out and again, I might back out, but I did not.
I decided to have the operation at Memorial Sloan Kettering, where they really encourage you to take what’s called a reconstruction seminar, which I said sounded like something from the Civil War. It sounds like a Civil War reenactment, does it not? [audience chuckles] Like a reconstruction seminar with Confederate flags and people in period costume. [audience chuckles]
But in fact, it is a place where you find out about different methods of reconstruction. And there are really two kinds. One is implants, which we all know. Hello, Pamela Anderson. And the second is called TRAM flap surgery, where they take fat from usually your buttocks or your hips and they make them into very natural-looking breasts, but usually have to be a little bit heavier. And so, my plastic surgeon said, "No, no, no. Unless you gain 50 pounds, you're really not a candidate." And I said, "Okay."
So, we went to this reconstruction seminar and we saw lots of before and after photos and I was in a room with like about 70 women, all of whom had breast cancer. And I did not tell them why I was there. And I got to ask my question, which was, "Do people ever get implants and then decide to get the TRAM flap surgery?" And they said, "No, no, no, that never happens." And so, afterwards, I was standing by the buffet table, and this woman came up to me and she was wearing the kind of really kooky glasses that German avant-garde architects wear, you know, like Elton John, and something bad is going to happen. And she said, "I was talking to my husband, I heard your question about not having enough fat. And I said, 'Look at her. She's got plenty of fat. Plenty.'" [audience laughter] And I just-- I had just gone through this terrible breakup where I gained 15 pounds and I was eating a Danish at the time, [audience chuckles] so it really did not help. And just the words were ringing like, "Plenty of fat. Plenty." [audience laughter]
And so, I told that story so many times afterwards. And I think one of the reasons I told it is because the truth was so overwhelming for me, which was being in that room with all those women who had breast cancer, I felt lucky. I felt really lucky. And before that, I thought, like, "Who has put in the decision to remove a part of their body? What kind of decision is that?" And then I thought, "Oh, my God, that's a decision that so many of those women wish they had had." And in that room, we had seen so many scary before and after photos, and the after photos were just terrifying. And a lot of these women asked questions and trembling voices, as did I. And that was really the moment where I realized I was not going to turn back. I was absolutely, positively going to go forward with this operation because I was lucky. I really had an opportunity that they did not have.
So, we get a little closer to my operation. And I was all misplaced anxiety, never-- I never said like, "I'm excited, I'm terrified about the operation." I would say, like, “Because my parents, my whole family was trying to get me to date.” And I was like, "I am not going to try JDate." I was just hysterical. [audience laughter] Like, that was my big thing. “No. Because I am having this operation and I do not have to.” [laughter] And then the other fear I had is because I had never had surgery, was that I was going to OD on anesthesia. [audience chuckles] That was really--. And that I was going to be the person on 20/20 with the feeding tube like in the assisted living facility in New Jersey. Terrified. Terrified. I had a mosh pit in my chest. I was so anxious about that.
And then the day of my surgery arrived, and I was calm. I was really at peace. It was pretty amazing because now you guys know how crazy I am. [audience chuckles] And it was just incredible. And I got to the hospital and I felt really proud of myself. And I remember also wearing my little gown and my little paper booties and shuffling into the operating room and feeling like Sean Penn in Dead Man Walking. And [giggles] then I got into the operating room and the nurse said, "Wow, you don't look 40." And I said, "Well, now I don't need any anesthesia." [audience laughter] And then that was it.
And then the next day, I woke up, and it was time to see my new breasts. And I thought, "Oh, my God, is it going to be Pamela Anderson? Is it going to be Anderson Cooper? What am I expecting here?" [audience laughter] "Yeah, who knows?" And actually, I had skin expanders placed under my chest wall, and then they are filled with a little bit of saline. So, I remember being in the hospital room, and my gown was opened, and I slowly looked down, and I said, "Well, that's not traumatic. That's what they look like before," because they are tiny, which was perfect.
Then they sort of put more saline in you as weeks go by. And at this point, I realized something incredibly important about myself, which is “I love having bigger boobs. I love it. [laughter] I love it. So, it is the greatest thing that has ever happened. So, [giggles] my plastic surgeon said, "At some point, we really need to decide what size you want to be." And I said, [audience laughter] "Yes, God's here." I said, "Vulgar." [audience laughter] And he said, "Yes.” Because also, it was like the first time my postman remembered my name. I was like, 'I'm loving this.'" And he said, "No, no, no. I'm serious, Amy, what size do you want to be in?" And I said, "Seriously, I want you to think, like, Playboy Mansion, Hollywood Wife, [audience laughter] Carnival. Carnival." Literally, as I was going under, I swear to God, this is true. I was saying, like, "As big as you can? As big as you can?" [audience laughter]
Yeah, yeah. [audience laughter] So that was-- yeah. So, then now, as we know-- so, [laughter] So, when I never could-- yeah and actually, my dad and I had this really cute moment at Starbucks one day because he said-- because I was loving the boobs. And he said, "It's going to be a big year. Aim big, big, big." [audience laughter] And I said, "D, lightful." [audience laughter] We thought that was hilarious. It was our little bit of double mastectomy humor.
So I think what I never could have realized in a million years is that I would consider this-- I am almost done, Maz, I swear, is that I would consider this to be really one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I mean, I really-- I really feel that it has changed my life, and I have begun to talk to a lot of women who have had the surgery or are having the surgery. And one of the Times Memorial called me up and they said, "We don't even know how to ask you this." And I said, "I know what you're going to ask." And they said, "What?" And I said, "She wants to see them." And they said, "Yes. Is that okay?" And I said, "Sure. Whatever."
So I met her in the locker room of Equinox, and I was like ooh, [audience laughter] which I have done so many times since. And she looked at me, and I knew what she wanted to do. And I said, "You want to touch them?" And she said, "Yeah, can I?" [audience laughter] And I said, "Sure." And so, I went to second base with this stranger in my gym locker room, [cheers and applause] as I have done so many times since. Yes. Trust me. And I think actually, the most incredible thing I have realized through this whole thing is that I thought so much about my mom and my sister and I sharing the BRCA1 gene, but I have realized that we share another gene, and that is the gene that tells you not to pity yourself and to deal with things in your own way, which, in my case meant saying, "It only took me 40 years to become a blonde with big boobs. Great." [audience laughter]
And I so underestimated myself, thinking that I would crack. And I saw these incredibly strong women deal with breast cancer, and I never realized until I had my own episode how much it had influenced me and how much stronger I was than I ever gave myself credit for. And now my sister is perfectly healthy, and she is in the room, and yay. [applause] I know. I love you. And my mom fought valiantly against the brain tumor that ultimately took her life. And I thought about how in addition to the BRCA1 gene mutation, we share another gene, and that is the resilience gene, and that is the gene that I hope will define me and everything I do for the rest of my life. And for that, I could not feel more fortunate.
[cheers and applause]
[Upbeat music playing]
Sarah: [00:17:09] Amy Cohen is a screenwriter and the author of The Late Bloomer’s Revolution. She says she is still naturally blonde, even though she never had a blonde hair before she turned 40. She tells us, "I'm still very proud of how I gained my rack. I talk with women all the time, and I've been felt up all over town."
[Upbeat music continues]
Coming up next, a self-professed funeral nerd remembers falling in love with burial ritual as a boy in Branchville, South Carolina.
Jay: [00:17:57] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented by PRX.
Sarah: [00:18:44] This is The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I am Sarah Austin Jenness. What happens if your 5-year-old son wants to play funerals all the time? Harlem funeral director Isaiah Owens was that little boy and he tells this next story. [cheers and applause] Here is Isaiah live at The Moth.
Isaiah: [00:19:09] Good evening. I am a funeral director. I know grief and I know how to comfort people. When I was growing up in my hometown in Branchville, South Carolina, we were fed fried chicken, collard greens, cornbread in funerals. At a funeral, there was a hearse. The hearse brought your body to the church and took you to the cemetery. That same hearse would take you to the hospital if you were sick. So, the funeral homes acted as a funeral home and an ambulance service. When you was going to the funeral, they tolled the bells as the family approached the church. Once inside the church, they fed us that life, no matter how long you live, is just like a vapor. It appears for a moment and then it disappears. And then they fed us that, that we are like grass which groweth up in the morning and flourishes and groweth up and then in the evening we are cut down and withered and we fly away.
At the age of 5 years old, I started burying things. After my grandmother, mamma Alice died, I went and I buried a matchstick. I realized now what was happening is I went to mamma's funeral and I saw them put her in the ground and they covered her up and they made a nice mound of dirt and they put beautiful flowers on her. So, then playing in the yard after the funeral, I went and I dug me a little hole and I put a matchstick in it, covered it up and I put some flowers on it. And that was my first funeral. As I grew up, I continued to be attracted to burying things. [audience chuckles] I buried everything that died on the farm. I grew up on a cotton farm, so all of the animals, the chickens or whatever died, I gave them a funeral. [audience laughter] Which caused me to be rejected by my family, [audience laughter] isolated, and I was an outcast. And they thought that I was a little funeral nerd. [audience laughter] However, I had one friend that was Aunt Genia.
Aunt Genia was born in 1882, and she was 68 years old when I was born. So, I played funerals and Aunt Genia would play funerals with me. Aunt Genia was the first African queen that I know. When we were growing up, Aunt Genia could sit a big pan on top of her head and walk from my mother's house to her house with her hands by her side. The pan would be full of butter beans or whatever it was, she never had to hold it with her hand. Aunt Genia had a vocabulary like Esther on Sanford and Son. [audience chuckle] She made up her words as she went. [audience chuckles] She will call you a fish-eyed fool, or she would call you an old hat. But then after she hurt your feelings, she would always call you in the room and give you some candy or some chewing gum or even a nickel.
So, Aunt Genia and I had this little love affair going on and Aunt Genia attended at least 10 of my little funerals. [audience laughter] She thought that I was absolutely normal. [audience laughter] And I remember one funeral, we had a toy wagon that had torn up. I wanted to dig a grave to do a funeral for it.
So I got Aunt Genia and went down in the woods in the field. And I performed the funeral for the red wagon top. [audience chuckles] And Aunt Genia was the family. She just thought that I was it. And I loved her very much. When I was 14. Aunt Genia passed away. And I was devastated. Now it’s time to go to Aunt Genia's funeral. That day was a day that I felt that I had no reason to live. So, as we left Aunt Genia's house, they started ringing the bell. And the bell was so bitter and so, hard to me. And I just kind of looked out of the window of the car and I cried. The more the bell rang, the more I cried. And I just kept saying to myself, "No more Aunt Genia, no more Aunt Genia."
However, after the funeral, I picked myself up. And five years later, I graduated from American Academy McAllister Institute of Funeral Service, and I got a diploma in funeral service. And it was one of the best days of my life. Because now I was on my journey to become the funeral director that I wanted to become. And I was just 18 years old when I graduated. However, it being such a wonderful day for me, it was a very sad day because none of my family members came to my graduation. [audience aww] After that, I got my license and I buried my first customer, Mr. Rufus Felton, in 1971 from the church that I attended. After that my business mushroomed. Now Aunt Genia is gone, my sister Maxine has taken Aunt Genia's place. So, Maxine and I were like twins. And she loved me and I loved her.
My family never referred people to me for a funeral. But when Maxine got her job and started teaching school, whenever someone passed away, she would always refer them to me. And Maxine wound up living with me for some years until I got her an apartment. However, Maxine came down with systemic lupus. My mother was here to help take care of Maxine when she was in the hospital. And the last time she was here, she called me aside and said, "Listen, I know that Maxine is not going to make it and I want you to do Maxine's funeral." And I was honored that my mother would ask me to do Maxine's funeral because I knew that my family never used my services.
Well, Maxine died and we took her home to Branchville for her funeral and her burial. And that Saturday night, after her viewing and her wake at my funeral home, my brother Anthony and Lynn and myself, I was locking up the funeral home and Anthony said to me, "We can't leave Maxine here tonight by herself." And my brother Lynn and I agreed. So, we went and got in the funeral home on the floor by Maxine's open casket, and we stayed the night with her. The next day, Maxine's 35th birthday was her funeral. And on my way to the church, all of a sudden, I heard [imitates bell sound] bang. That was the church bells. And the bell that they sounded when Aunt Genia died was so harsh and terrible. But this time I listened to the bell and the bell went from being such a harsh sound to being a very sweet hum at the end of the sound.
When I realized that this is a family reunion. I was hugging my mother, my father, my brother Anthony, Ms. Jane, Aunt Genia's daughter-in-law Kalizi, Ms. Harbor Rail, my high school principal, Mr. Joseph Jackson, Sister Ophelia, used to be the wife of the pastor that baptized me and Maxine. My battery was charged up and there was love. At the end of the day, I realized that I had been comforting all of these people for all of these years. And now not only my family, but the community has come to comfort me. At the end of the day, I realized then that there was love and that the spirits of those people who have gone on before, along with the spirits of the people that are alive, makes me strong. And it restores my soul and it restores us.
[cheers and applause]
Sarah: [00:29:01] That was Isaiah Owens. We found Isaiah when we partnered with the PBS documentary series POV for their 25th anniversary. He is the subject of a film called Homecomings, and he believes when you die, you go home. The awning of the Isaiah Owens Funeral Home on Malcolm X Boulevard in Harlem reads, "Where beauty softens your grief." I sat with Isaiah in the wooden pews of his funeral chapel every day for a week to work with him on his story. He estimates that he has led over 14,000 funerals from 1968 to the time he told this story. And I asked him if there is any one in particular that stands out.
Isaiah: [00:29:38] Martha Webb had come. She lived down the street, and she came to me for her mother's funeral. And she had no family, except her mother had a cousin in Philadelphia that was like 90 something years old that came over for Martha Webb's mother's funeral with another cousin. And I said to her, "You don't have a lot of family left, so you need to kind of sit down with me or somebody and make some plans for what happens to you." And she never did. And then one Saturday, not long after, the phone rang, and it was like, "Mr. Owens." And I was like, "Yeah, this is Blanche. Martha Webb done died in the street." And I was like, "Wow." So anyways, she stayed in the morgue for over a month. Nobody claimed the body.
And finally I claimed it, and I gave her a funeral, and I gave her a burial. And she wound up making the cover of The Travelers book. She was beautiful, but I guess the little connection that we had is that I had about 50 dresses that I had to select from for Martha Webb to be dressed in for her funeral. And I kept looking at all of these colors of dresses and this green dress. Every time I pick these other dresses, this green dress would say, "Psst. Come back. Come back and get me." And I was like--. So, after haggling for a long time, I just went and got the green dress and I put it on her. And when the friends came up for the funeral, they brought some pictures of Martha Webb. And there was a picture of her in almost the identical green dress at some party, one of these Harlem parties where the cigarette smoke is thick and the glasses is all around with the liquor. [giggles] It was-- Yeah, that was amazing to me. That for some reason, that dress had to be the dress.
Sarah: [00:31:41] A few years ago, Isaiah recorded a gospel CD.
[Song from the CD playing]
Isaiah: [00:31:46] I recorded it because I wanted to remember what I experienced as a child growing up at Mack Branch Church, where I started my funerals at. And so, I recorded the songs, and I sung them like they sung them back then. The only thing that is different is now the songs have music to it. But when we were growing up, the songs did not have music. The only music was the padding of people's feet that kept the music and the clapping of their hands. But my favorite song on the CD that I kind of rearranged a little bit from how we sung it is "If It Wasn't For The Lord, Tell Me What Would I Do?" And I got in my pre-arrangements that when I do pass away, I want them to play that song after my eulogy before the people leave the church.
I pretty much have all the plans for my funeral. I want to be able to get the caisson on like the presidents have with the six white horses that you see in Arlington National and a procession probably of funeral directors and a procession of families of people that I buried that would want to go with me to the funeral and lots and lots and lots of flowers. And a sarcophagus casket, it is called the Pharaoh Sarcophagus. It is probably one of the most expensive caskets. It is the most probably expensive casket you can get. And I want the inside line with chinchilla and I want to really have a nice procession from Lenox Avenue to Riverside Church, which might be the main event, going over there and letting people say, I guess, goodbye to me or so long. Yeah.
[Song from the CD playing]
Sarah: [00:34:15] For more information on The Travelers, the book of 30 reconstructions of Isaiah's subjects and friends, and to see photos of Isaiah through the years, go to themoth.org. While you are there, you can share any of the stories you are hearing in this hour with your friends and family. You can also listen or share Moth stories through our app, which is now available for iOS or Android. Next up, a man with cerebral palsy goes on a wild ride after a gay Elvis impersonator breaks his friend's heart.
Jay: [00:35:04] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org.
Sarah: [00:36:09] I am Sarah Austin Jenness, and you are listening to The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. Our last storyteller is Greg Walloch. Greg had already been telling stories to audiences in the East Village of New York when he heard of The Moth in 1997. He told many stories with us over the years and the one you are about to hear was recorded in Denver, Colorado. Before he took the stage, the host of the night Tom Shillue introduced Greg this way.
Tom: [00:36:34] There was a little press item in the newspaper and we were reading it at the hotel and he was sitting next to me and said, "Oh look, they referred to me as Greg Walloch, performer and disabilities advocate." [audience chuckles] And I was like, "Oh, well, aren't you?" And he said, "Well, I wouldn't advocate it for everyone [audience laughter] [laughs] But it's working out okay for me." [laughter] Greg Walloch.
[cheers and applause]
Greg: [00:37:13] I live in New York City and New York City can be completely overwhelming. So, the other day I was feeling kind of stressed out and I decided that I was just going to forget about life for a while and go downtown [audience chuckles] and get a piece of cake. [audience laughter] Because you guys ever have one of those days when it just seems like a piece of cake is going to make everything so much better? [audience laughter] So I headed down to the Magnolia Bakery. And I am standing there in line and I start to relax because I think about this guy that I met recently in the city. I did not even know him. He just came right up to me In the street and he said, "I'd Like to give you a piece of advice." And I said, "Sure," because you know I am always up for good advice. [audience laughter] And he said, "You look really stressed out. You should pick three things you can do really well every day and then just let the rest go."
And I thought that was fantastic advice for anyone living in any big city. Pick three things you can do really well every day and then let the rest go. But I thought about it and I remembered that guy did not have any teeth. [audience laughter] So, I guess ‘brush my teeth’ did not make his top three list very often. But I am standing there in line at the bakery, and I am saying this mantra to myself that I made up, that I say when I am feeling kind of down and I want to share it with you tonight. It goes like this. You close your eyes, you take a deep breath, and you say, "May I feel like I feel when I'm about to eat cake?" [audience laughter]
And you do you think cake, like, you might get some, [audience laughter] and you feel better. It works every single time. And I am standing there at the bakery now, and I am almost to the counter when my cell phone rings. It is my friend Karen. She is down South. She has just been dumped by her boyfriend. She was dating a gay Elvis impersonator. [audience laughter] Now, I knew he was gay, and so did everybody else, only she did not. And I realize it is so strange how sometimes we can fall in love with people and we can barely even see them. And I thought that impersonators should have tipped her off a little bit, [audience laughter] but I could see that the Elvis part would kind of throw you. [audience laughter] And I said to her, "Karen, Karen, it's okay. It's okay. You know, it's going to get better. And these things happen for a reason." But I realized how difficult that must be to hear when the Elvis, you thought you knew and loved, turned out to be totally queer. [audience laughter]
He left her a note on the pillow that said, "I've fallen in love with a man. I'm flying back to New York. Thank you very much. [audience laughter] Good night." And I knew right then what I had to do. I had to go South. I had to see my friend. So, about a week later, I booked a ticket to Georgia and I flew South. And when I got on the plane, it just felt so good to get out of the city for a while. And I always have this kind of yin for the South anyway, because I keep having this recurring dream that I am this beautiful black woman down South. [audience chuckles] And I am sitting on my back porch braiding my daughter's hair. [audience chuckles] We are looking out, watching the fireflies fade into the dusk. And then I wake up.
And I can't tell if that is like a past life or if that is just every gay man's fantasy. [audience laughter] But at the same time, I do believe there is a beautiful black woman down South. She is sitting on her back porch braiding her daughter's hair. They are looking out, watching the fireflies fade into the dusk. And she leans over and she says "Honey, I keep having this strange dream. [audience laughter] I'm a gay man, I'm living in New York City. I'm walking with crutches and I'm eating a piece of cake. Do you think that's real or is that just every black woman's fantasy?" [audience laughter and clap]
So, the plane touches down in Georgia. And I want to get my friend Karen a gift. So, I go into the airport and go to the bookshop and I walk straight to the self-help section because that is the perfect place to start post-gay Elvis’ impersonator breakup. [audience laughter] And I am standing there looking through the books, and I come across that book, Heal Your Body by Louise Hay. And I am flipping through it, looking up things like lower back pain and canker sores. But then I look up cerebral palsy and it is in there and it says, "Cerebral Palsy. Brought to this earth to heal the family with one sweeping gesture of love."
Brought to this earth to heal the family with one sweeping gesture of love. The words kind of glared off the page at me. And I threw the book down and I thought, “You know, I do not really want that job. [audience chuckles] I mean, I am just trying to have a life. Fuck Louise Hay, man. [audience laughter] Fuck Louise Hay. Which is a very useful mantra, by the way. [audience laughter] And I have used it many times since. And I do not mean to imply that the people down South were in any way overly conservative, but I did notice that a lot of the books on Judaism were in the occult section. [audience laughter] So, I just decided to go. [audience laughter]
And when I got to my friend Karen's house, she was doing kind of bad. And I said, "Come on, let's go out. Let's go for a ride." And we got in the car and we drove for hours. And the amazing thing about being down South is that it seems like, to me anyway, that if you drive just far enough, there are not that many houses anymore. There is just these soft, green rolling hills and the sun is shining. But there are these little churches everywhere [audience chuckles] and they have these marquees out front with the most amazing sayings on them. [audience chuckles] And one of them said, "We love you, and there is nothing you can do about it." [audience laughter] So, we decided to check that out. [audience laughter] So, we walked into the church, and it was a Southern Baptist televangelist church. And when we walk in, cameras are on, cranes swinging around the room. And the minister is up there preaching how Christ is going to come down and wipe the blood of the sinners from the seat of judgment. And I did not really understand him. I just heard spilling of the blood of sinners as I was walking in and I was sure he was talking about me. [audience chuckles] And we sat down in the front pew, the only place left open.
And right then, this woman and a couple of other men from the church come up to me, and she says, "Can I ask you a question?" And I said, "Sure." And she said, "Are you comfortable?" And I said, "Well. It's a little hot in here." [audience laughter] And she said, "No. Are you comfortable living in that body?" “Yes, you know what? I am, so just move along.” [audience laughter] But she and the other men took me to where the minister was preaching. And he grabbed my head, [audience chuckles] and he said, "I want you to get the devil out of your body. I want you to throw down those canes and walk. I want you to get the devil out of your body. I want you to throw down those canes and walk. I want you to get the devil out of your body." And then, palm flat, smacked me in the forehead. [audience laughter] But instead of falling over, I just sort of leaned back. And then I came up again. And he actually seemed kind of mad. [audience laughter] Like I was not working with him. [audience laughter] So, he knelt down on his knees in front of me, and he starts rubbing my legs. And he says, "I want you to get the devil out of your legs. Get the devil out of your legs." And, oh, my God, guess what happened? I got an erection. [audience laughter] Which even for me, is completely out of control. [audience laughter] And I am looking down thinking, "Well, I'm certainly going to go to hell now." [audience laughter]
And he is down there rubbing my legs. "Get the devil out of your legs. Get the devil out of your legs." And I am thinking, "Sir, that's not where the devil is right now." [audience laughter] And the funny thing is I can actually put down these canes and stand on my own and walk a few steps, not very far.” But, you guys, I do not know if it was the cameras or the pressure, but I just did not know how to get out of it. So, I put down one cane, and then I put down the other. And for just a second, I stood up. And the congregation starts freaking out. [audience laughter] And the minister looks at me like, "Oh, my God, I actually did it." [audience laughter] And I always did sort of want to be on TV. [audience laughter] I just never thought it would happen that way. [audience laughter] Which just goes to show, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. [audience chuckles]
But while it was happening, while I was in the middle of it, I wanted to say, "Stop. Wait. I mean, I'm okay. Who are you to decide that I need to be healed of this? Can you make me less neurotic? [audience chuckles] Can you get me a better job? How about the perfect boyfriend? But not this. This just isn't at the top of my list." But I was not brave and I did not tell him. And then for just a second, I thought, "What if he really did have the ability to heal people and somehow it didn't happen because I was the most cynical one in the room."
Right then my friend Karen comes up and she grabs me by the shoulder and she says, "Come on, let's get out of here." And we get in the car and we drive in silence for hours. And we end up back in Athens, Georgia, and we are sitting there at The Grit restaurant, and my friend Karen is across from me with her triple-layer white sponge cake with chocolate frosting. And I have my German chocolate cake. And as I sink my fork down through the layers, I think, "This is what it's about. These are the moments where we find our faith in the joy of the anticipation of the moment. Because there will always be fantasies about being someone else. And there will always be people who want to heal you so they can feel better. And there will always be a gay Elvis impersonator [audience chuckles] who will break your heart.” [audience chuckles] So, I sit back and I open wide and I say, "May I feel like I feel when I'm about to eat cake."
[cheers and applause]
[Upbeat music playing]
Sarah: [00:51:41] That was Greg Walloch. The three things he feels he can do well every day are write, connect face-to-face with at least one friend, and brush his teeth. Not necessarily in that order. Greg lives in Los Angeles now, where he is the host of Eat Your Words, stories about food at the Standard Hollywood. And he says the Louise Hay mantra still comes in handy almost every day. To see a photo of Greg at the Georgia Guidestones in Elberton, Georgia, a stop on his epic drive, go to themoth.org. While you are there, you can pitch us your story, record it right on our site, or call 877-799-MOTH. That is 877-799-6684. The best pitches are developed for Moth shows all around the country. That is it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you will join us next time. And that's the story from The Moth.
[Upbeat music playing]
[Uncanny Valley theme music by The Drift playing]
Jay: [00:52:58] Your host this hour was Sarah Austin Jenness. Sarah also directed the stories in the show along with Catherine Burns and Joey Xanders. The rest of The Moth's directorial staff include Sarah Haberman, Jenifer Hixson, and Meg Bowles. Production support from Jenna Weiss-Berman and Whitney Jones. Moth stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Moth events are recorded by Argot Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour from Little Bang, Isaiah Owens, and Elvis Presley. You can find links to all the music in this show at our website. The Moth is produced for radio by me, Jay Allison at Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts with help from Viki Merrick.
This hour was produced with funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant, and peaceful world. The Moth Radio Hour is presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website themoth.org.
Dan: [00:54:14] There you go, another episode of The Moth Radio Hour right here on The Moth Podcast. Hope you guys enjoyed the show. What if we all right now just decided we are going to go get cake? Hey Denver, The Moth Mainstage is coming your way on Tuesday, September 30th. Also, The Moth Mainstage is coming to St. Paul that is going to be Friday, November 7th. For tickets and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit themoth.org.
Sarah: [00:54:44] Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy, is a writer and performer living in New York and author of the new novel American Spirit, available now.
Dan: [00:54:53] Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story-worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argot Studios in New York.