Andrew McGill - Yu-Gi-Oh!

 

When I was in the seventh grade, I was a lot shorter. I had glasses, I was very chubby. I looked like the black Harry Potter, except I didn’t have any magic or friends. [audience chuckle] I remember walking into the lunchroom one day, I grabbed my lunch and I see all these kids sitting down and they’re playing this game and they’re laughing and they’re having these good times. So, I walk up a little closer and I see they’re slapping these cards down on the table and they’re saying words that I didn’t even know how to pronounce. 

 

I go a little closer and I ask this kid, Daniel, he was in my English class and I was like, “Hey man, what is this?” And he’s like, “Hey, it’s Yu-Gi-Oh.” And I was like, “What is Yu-Gi-Oh?” And he’s like, “Hey, I’m not going to explain to you. Just go watch a TV show. It comes on at 04:30 right after school.” I was like, “Whatever.” So, I went home and I watched the show. It was amazing. If you don’t know what Yu-Gi-Oh is, it’s a Japanese card game. It was beautiful. It was awesome. It was a mix of magic, monsters, friendship and it was amazing. And I was like, “Oh, I got it. This is me. This is me now.” 

 

So, I go to school the next day and I was like, “Yo, teach me the game.” And he was like, “I got you.” Daniel gives me a pack of cards, and they invited me into this weird little friend group and we started to become homies. And these were my guys. We weren’t as cool as the guys who like talk to girls, but we weren’t like those kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Those were the real nerds in our school. [audience chuckle] We were hanging around, we played all these tournaments all the time and I’d win different cards. I had all these great memories hanging out with these dudes. 

 

I remember one time, Daniel’s like, “Yo, there’s going to be this tournament at this place called King’s Games right off the Q train stop. It’s going to be amazing. You have to go.” And that was a little further away from my house. So, I was like, “Ah, boom.” I’ll get my dad to drop me off. So, my parents are divorced and my dad is a taxi driver. I was like, “Cool, it’ll be all right.” So, on a Saturday morning, I get my dad to pick me up in this bright yellow taxi. He pulls up, and I get in the front seat and it’s like a very quiet ride. We pull up to King’s Games, and there’s all these kids lined up around the block and he’s like, “What is this?” And I was like, “It’s just something we’re doing, and we’re going to have some fun and play some games.” And he’s like, “I’m going to pick you up at 04:00.” And I was like, “All right, dude, I’ll see you.” I come out of the taxi, and all my friends are like, “Yeah, you’re in a taxi.” I was like, “Yeah, what’s up, baby? [audience chuckle] Trying to pop?” 

 

And then, one kid’s like, “Why are you in the front?” And I was like, “Shut up, man. There was something in the back. Don’t worry about it.” [audience laughter] And then, we’re sitting in line and we’re just chilling, talking, whatever. And then, my dad rolls down the taxi door and he’s like, “I’ll pick you up at 04:00.” And I was like, “All right.” [audience laughter] And they’re like, “Why is your driver screaming at you?” And I was like, “Shut up. Just go play some damn Yu-Gi-Oh.” 

 

So, we go into King’s Games and it’s like a really tiny shop. But there’s all these different memorabilia from different TV shows, cult classic movies, cult classic video games, all this stuff. It’s beautiful. It’s nerd paradise. And downstairs is where the magic happens. It’s Yu-Gi-Oh Fight Club. One-on-one Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments. It smells like virginity and whatever the spray for inhalers smells like. [audience laughter]

 

We’re down there and we’re playing Yu-Gi-Oh. I just lose track of time, like, we’re playing, we’re having a good time. I was asking my buddy, Shun, man, I’m like, “Yo, what time is it?” And he’s like, “It’s 05:30.” And I said, “Oh, no.” So, I run upstairs, all these kids come out and I see my dad in the store. I look at him, he looks at me, he’s like “Hmm.” And I was like, “Hey, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “This is very interesting.” I was like, “Yeah, you don’t use words like interesting. Let’s get out of here.” So, we get in the taxi and we’re driving, and it’s very quiet again. 

 

My parents are divorced. So, he stops in front of the building and he’s like, “Hey, I’m going to come upstairs and talk to your mom.” And I was like, “Cool, whatever. I don’t care.” So, we come upstairs and my mom’s like, “Hey, how’s that thing that you were at?” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s fine.” She doesn’t care, because she doesn’t know. And he’s like, “Hey, did you know? Andrew’s in a gang.” And I was like, “In a gang?” [audience laughter] My mom’s like, “In a gang?” And he’s like, “Yeah, he’s in a gang. He’s in the Yakuzas.” I was like, “In the Yakuzas? What are you talking about?” And he’s like, “Yeah, I saw him come out of this basement with all these Korean people.” [audience laughter] And my mom’s like, “Oh, that makes sense. I saw him watching all these Japanese shows.” I was like, “What are you talking about?” 

 

The Yakuzas are from Japan. I couldn’t be a Yakuza, first off. And I was like, “Why am I in a gang?” And he’s like, “Because I know you were in a gang. And they let me buy a weapon at that store.” And I was like, “What? Buy a weapon?” And he pulls out this black bag, and he reaches inside, and he pulls out this knife from Blade II. It literally said Blade II on it. [audience laughter] The movie with Wesley Snipes. “Yes.” And I was like, “Hey, man, that just says Blade II.” And he’s like, “Yeah, Blade II cut people, because you’re in a gang.” And I was like, “No, I’m not.” He pulls out the knives, and my mom’s screaming, I’m freaking out and I’m like, “You know what? I’m just going to explain this card game to him.”

 

I pull out the Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and I was like, “Hey, I was playing Yu-Gi-Oh.” And they’re like, “What is Yu-Gi-Oh?” I proceeded to explain Yu-Gi-Oh to my superstitious religious Haitian parents. [audience laughter] Lost my breath. Sorry. And I’m like, “Guys, this is the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, it has 3,000 life points. This is the Dark Magician, it has 2,500 attack points. If you attack it, you lose your Dark Magician. These are different spell cards that you can attach to your cards.” They sit down, and I’m like, I’m going to double down and just tell them the real truth of Yu-Gi-Oh. 

 

I was like, “So, Yu-Gi-Oh started when these gods, they started to fight each other. And they’re like, “Hey, we’re taking these demons, put them in the cards. They’re going to attack each other, and they’re going to battle each other. And whoever loses gets into the Shadow Realm. The Shadow Realm is a place that’s devoid of light. There’s no life there. And you lose your soul in the Shadow Realm. I’m just trying to play so I don’t lose my soul, guys.”

 

And they’re sitting down and it’s all quiet. And I’m like, “Cool, maybe I made my point. Maybe they understand Yu-Gi-Oh.” And they’re quiet. My dad grabs my mom’s shoulder and they both look up at me and they’re like, “Okay, you’re not in a gang. You’re possessed by a demon.” [audience laughter] And I said, “What are you talking about?” And I laughed, I giggled. And just a note, side note, if you’re ever accused of being a demon, don’t laugh. [audience laughter] It makes you look like more of a demon. [audience laughter] They’re all freaking out. They’re like, “We need to get the oils. We need to cover this dude.” And they’re like, “Call a pastor. Call somebody.”

 

That wasn’t the end. That wasn’t the end, though, because they were like, “Hey, you have to burn these cards.” And I was like, “Burn the cards? No, anything but burning the cards. Please, not the cards. This is my identity. I can’t go back to school if I burn these cards.” And they're like, “You have to burn these cards.” I sat over the kitchen sink just burning card after card, memory after memory. [audience aww] I was like, “Man, I played this with-- I know. I lost that with Shun man.” It’s just burning and burning. I’m crying in his tears. But it wasn’t over, because on Sunday I had to go to church, and then I had to go to school on Monday. [audience aww] Oh, no, I know.

 

I went to school on Monday and I walk into the lunchroom and I see all my friends playing, having a good time, looking all jolly. I couldn’t go up to those guys and tell them, “Hey, my parents thought I was a demon and I had to burn all my cards.” [audience chuckle] I couldn’t do that. That’s breaking cardinal rule number one of Yu-Gi-Oh, you don’t burn your cards. “What are you doing? So much money on these things.” So, I did what any middle schooler would do. I just pretended to be better than them. I was like, “Hey, guys, I’m not going to sit here anymore. I’m going to go talk to girls now, because that’s what I do.” [audience laughter] I sat alone. I think my parents should have just let me play Yu-Gi-Oh. Because after that, I got into online chat rooms and I started to catfish people, [audience chuckle] and I never played Yu-Gi-Oh again. [audience aww] Thank you.