Elna Baker - Yes Means Yes?

 

So, I'm 27 years old and I've never had sex. I also don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I don't drink coffee. I'm Mormon. Yay [chuckles]. [audience laughter] And you know, it's hard being Mormon in New York City and not drinking and smoking and whatever, but it's especially hard to try to live in New York and not have sex because it's like Sex and the City. And I'm young and I want to have relationships and be able to experience those things and instead, after six years of living in the city and not having sex, the longest relationship I was able to sustain was four weeks. And that's only because he was out of town for two of them [chuckles]. [audience laughter]

 

And in addition to that, there's this huge part of me that would love to be considered sexy, but if you're not selling sex, you really shouldn't advertise. [audience chuckles] So instead I present myself as cute or as someone in the audience pointed out, like, I'm on Star Trek. [audience laughter] Thank you, so kind. [laughs] So, I'd gotten good at thinking of myself as being cute. And I remember one time I was walking through the East Village and I passed this vintage boutique and I walked in and there was all this vintage lingerie. And I happened upon this slip and it was literally the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. It was like it was hanging on like an invisible Lauren Bacall. It was like dark navy blue with this blue lace at the top and these thin straps.

 

And I couldn't help myself. I tried it on and I remember I looked in the mirror at myself and for the first time in my life, I was like, "I'm sexy. Who knew that I could be sexy?" And woo hoo [chuckles]. So, I bought it. And it's not like any guy's allowed to see me in it because even when you're Mormon, once you get married, you have to wear the garment. So, it sits in a drawer in the back of my closet. But occasionally late at night, I'll take it out and try it on and look in the mirror and be like, "I'm still sexy," [audience chuckles] and put it back in the drawer.

 

I think there's a lot of misperceptions that people have about Mormons. And more than anything, the one that bothers me is this idea that Mormons say no. No sex, no drugs, no alcohol, which I think would make me seem like a very boring person. But whereas I say no to certain things, I try to say yes to everything else, which makes me very pleasant. And I learned the power of saying yes when I was going to college at NYU. They used to have these career fairs that they would set up for the business students. And I was a drama major, so they didn't even set up booths for us, they sort of saw what was coming. Unemployment. [audience chuckles] But if you were a Stern business student, there would be all these companies trying to recruit you. So, one day I was passing through this recruitment hall and a man stopped me and he was like, "Are you a Stern business student?" And so, I said “Yes.” He said, "Are you interested in a job at Morgan Stanley?" “Yes.”

 

And I just kept answering yes to all of his questions. And before I knew it, I had a free triangle highlighter with the three different colors. [audience chuckles] And I was like, "This is amazing." [audience laughter] And so, I just started doing that all the time. I would say yes. And I ended up stumbling into a paper convention. And next thing I knew, I went to a bridal convention and I kept getting all these free trinkets just by saying yes. And it all led up to the mother of all conventions. I had some friends in town and went to the Marriott in Times Square and were having breakfast and my friend happened to glance under the table and there was a badge and it said, Bob Barnett, 7-Eleven convention. And I was like, "Yes." [audience laughter] So, we go downstairs in this huge banquet celebrating 75 years of 7-Eleven.

 

So, I start mingling with people. And I end up meeting the woman who organized the whole convention. So, she starts asking me for my feedback and I'm like, "I go to conventions all the time [audience chuckles] and this is the best convention I've ever been to." And she's like, "Well, are you going on today's activities?" And I was like, "Oh, yes." So, she gave me four tickets to Madame Tussauds, four tickets to Radio City Music Hall. And then she said, "Will I be seeing you on tonight's cruise?" “Yes.”  [audience laughter] And then she didn't give me tickets, so I was like, "Oh, but you know, I sent all this stuff and I never got anything." And she was like, "What?" She ran off and then came back with four tickets worth $150 each on a dinner cruise around Manhattan.

 

So, that night me and my friends got dressed up and we go into this cruise and literally there's like 500 7-Eleven employees and us. [audience chuckles] So, I started making friends. And like, I didn't lie. Like, when people asked me what I did for 7-Eleven, I was like, "Come on, man, leave work at work. You know, [audience laughter] we're here to have fun." And then they serve us this four-course dinner and at the end of it, we're eating our dessert and my friend leans in and he's like, "Elna, I dare you to make a toast." And I don't drink, so I've never made a toast, like, but I've seen movies. So I was like, "Yes." So, I take my glass and tink, tink, tink, and everybody shut up. "I would like to make a toast to 7-Eleven for redefining convenience." [audience laughter]

 

[chuckles] And they were like, "Yes!" And what I love about saying yes is like, it's like where you start at the beginning of the day and where you end up can be two totally different places just based on all the things that you say yes to. And yet then there's this whole other side of my life where I do say no, and sex being the biggest obstacle of them. And I think it's one thing to say no to sex when you've been in a two-week relationship, but it's an entirely different experience when you feel like you're in love. And I met my yes counterpart four years ago. I was working at a TV show. He was in the audience, and we started talking, and it was immediately. I was like, "It's you." And he was like, "It's you." And we were like, "Yes."

 

Our first date was amazing. We were walking down the streets of New York, and we happened upon a movie set. And he was like, "We should sneak in and pretend like we're extras." And I was like, "Yes." [audience laughter] And so, we were in the back of all these scenes, and we ended up in the makeup trailer. And the woman was like, "Did the director send you here?" And we were like, "Yes." [audience chuckles] And she said, "What did he send you here for?" And at the same time, we both said, "Black eyes." And she gave us these huge black eyes. [audience chuckles] And then we just spent the rest of the day running around New York City with giant black eyes. And it was incredible. And literally every date, one after the other, was even more exciting.

 

And really, there was only one problem. He didn't know that I was Mormon, probably because I didn't tell him. [audience chuckles] And I totally rationalized it. I was like in addition to being Mormon, I am many other things. But really, like, I wanted to be able to date him, and I wanted it to be more than two or four weeks, and so I didn't tell him. And then two months went by, and then you start to feel guilty because you start to feel like the person doesn't really know you because they only know half of you. And so, I told him, you know, as casually as you can say that. I was like, "Oh, you know, by the way, I'm Mormon." And he's like, "What? Elna, I'm an atheist. Can you be with an atheist?" “Yes. [audience chuckles] Can you be with a Mormon?” And he looked at me and he was like, "Yes." And so, we kept dating, and we kept going on our adventures, and it was great, except that there were these grander things that were that would not leave us alone no matter how hard we tried.

 

And I remember one of them in particular was when I found out that he didn't believe people had souls. I was like, "What?" Like, I really didn't-- I thought irregardless of religion, everyone believed that. But he was like, "No, I don't believe in souls." And I was like, "Well, then what-- what's inside of you?" He's like, "Well, my DNA." And I was like-- and I remember I stopped him on the sidewalk and I put my hands on his shoulders. And I just looked into his eyes, and he's like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "I am looking at your soul, and I can see it, and I can hear it, and I know that it's there." And so, he said, "Well, what does my soul have to say?" And so, I listened, and I was like, "It says [beep sound] you. [beep sound] you. I've been living inside you for 29 years, and you've been ignoring me the entire time." [audience laughter]

 

I was like, it's not like Mormons are supposed to swear. But then, like, when making a religious point, that was the only word that came into my head. [audience laughter] And so we kept dating, even though, like, at this point, I realized my soulmate doesn't actually believe in souls [audience chuckles] but I was willing to be okay with that. But then the whole sex thing comes up, and he's like, "Are we going to have sex?" And I was like, "No. No." And so, then he started to pull away, and he started to retreat. And it's so interesting because, like, every girl knows when a guy is starting to phase her out. It's like, even if coincidentally, he didn't answer his phone that day, it's like you know because you feel it. And so, I knew that he was phasing me out, and I started thinking, "Well, why? Well, it's probably because I'm Mormon, and it's probably because I won't have sex." So, then I really started to think about those things, not as the way things are or as necessity, but as, like, truth. Like what if this person is the love of my life and I end up marrying some Mormon guy because I'm supposed to that I like, "Okay," and I regret the decision for the rest of my life. Or what if he's right and God doesn't exist? And then I end up making this sacrifice for an entirely imaginary reason. And then also sex when you feel like you could love someone, it just feels like the natural progression of things. Not that it's this awful thing. And so, then I was like, "Well maybe I could have sex. [chuckles] No. No.”

 

And then we went out again, and we met up. And right when I saw him, I could tell it was going to be one of the last times that we saw each other. And we went to this outdoor exhibit, but it started to rain, so we ended up back at my apartment. We put on a DVD. We made grilled cheese sandwiches. It was like the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, and we were watching the movie. But I was still wet from the rain, so I stood up and went into my room to change, and I took off my t-shirt, and I was just going to put another shirt on when I opened my drawer and I saw that blue slip. And I was like, "What if you put that on?" I was like, "No, you can't put that on. It's like the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday. That would be so weird." [chuckles] But then also it's like, "But you own that, and you've never worn it."

 

And also like, “What is this thing, this sex thing?” And, like, “You can say yes to that.” And what I like about saying yes is that when you say yes, everything can change. And sometimes you want things to change. And so, I took that slip out and I put it on, and I walked out into the living room. And he was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Shh." And I walked up to him, and we started kissing. And then we laid down on the couch, and we were kissing. And the moment started to build more than it had before. And as this was happening, I leaned into his ear and I heard myself say, "You need to pray and find out if God exists." And he was like, "What?" [audience laughter] And I was like, "What?" And I said, "Nothing. Nothing. I didn't say anything." [audience chuckles] And so then we started to kiss again, and the moment started to build again. And then it happened again. I leaned into his ear, and I said, "How can you know that God doesn't exist unless you've at least asked?" And he was like, "What are you saying?" And I was like, "I don't know. I just want to have sex right now." And so, he sat up, and I sat up, and he was like, "Elna, what are you trying to ask me?" And I was like, "Well, look, the only thing-- The only reason I believe the things that I do is because I prayed and asked, and how can you know for sure that something isn't true unless you at least ask?" And so, he said, "Do you want me to pray?" “Yes.”

 

And so, he said, "Okay, I can do that." And I was like, "Really?" And he left. And the minute he left my apartment, I remember I knelt down and I prayed like I've never prayed in my life. When you say, "God, you can never-- you never have to answer another one of my prayers, but answer this one. And if he prays, tell him you're there." And then, of course, I made the mistake of telling my sister about this. And then she told my parents, and then my parents told my uncle and aunt and my grand-- and next thing I know, there's like a Mormon family tree across America praying that if he prays, he'll get an answer. [audience chuckles] And then I didn't hear from him for two weeks.

 

And then when I did, we agreed to meet up in Union Square. We met up and we sat on a bench together. And at first it was just small talk. And so finally I just asked the question I most wanted to ask. I said, "Did you pray?" And he said, "Yes." And I was like, "You did? What happened?" And he said that he sat in his room in silence and that he prayed, and he asked God if God existed and that he listened for a long time. And then he realized that if he did get an answer, it would just be himself telling himself that he got an answer because he wanted to be with me and that it wouldn't be real. And that was it. And the relationship ended.

 

And it's funny because as hard as he tried to find God for me and as hard as I tried to have sex for him, we ultimately were these things that were, a Mormon and an atheist. And yet before that I always thought that I didn't have sex because I was Mormon, but I realized I don't have sex because I don't want to have it yet. And that for me, sometimes saying no is actually saying yes. Thank you.