Chris Tomline - Wrong Side of the Grass

 

Thank you, thank you. I’ve been a funeral director now for 20 years here locally in New York. I worked in Brooklyn and Queens, currently in Long Island. And I’ve always worked at the busiest funeral homes. Kind of like death is following me around. And when you work at the busiest funeral home, what that really means is that you’re better than everyone else at getting rid of people. So, I don’t have any misconceptions. I had a happy childhood. I wasn’t off playing with dead animals or anything like that. 

 

To the contrary, actually, I wanted to be a doctor. And one day I was sitting in Queensborough Community College and realized that wasn’t my fastest route to learn how to save a life. [audience laughter] And I thought what I was going to do. Now, my only obstacle getting into medical school at the time was going to be time and money. And funeral directing school was two years and ten grand and I was out. So, I looked into the curriculum and see what I wanted to take. And our classes were like anatomy, I said, “Doctors take anatomy.” Chemistry, pathology, physiology. I said, “I’m working on building something up here.” We took classes like Embalming for Dummies and Psych. And the class that I learned the least amount in, I didn’t realize I was going to use the most. Because when you’re with people at the worst time in their life, you really become their therapist. And my psych class was only about six months of vocabulary words stuffed down your throat that you had to regurgitate back down on a piece of paper. 

 

But one statement that stayed with me is that funerals are going to bring out the best and also the worst in people. And it was early on when I became a funeral director. And after only going to school for two years, you’re 21 years old, and I didn’t know it at the time, but I didn’t know [beep] and I’m going to try to get people through a bad day. I couldn’t get myself through a good day. [audience laughter] So, one of my first arrangements, I’m sitting with somebody and Nana died. And Nana was old when I was born. She was almost 100 years old. She was 98. And I’m sitting with these people, and they were affectionately talking about this lady. And it left an impression on me because usually when they’re old, they just look to discard the people as fast as they can. And it was December when she died because they were talking how in a few weeks, we can’t have Christmas at Nana’s house anymore, and who’s going to call us at night to say goodnight, and our birthdays weren’t going to be the same. 

 

A little while into the arrangement, I realized that I didn’t know what to do. So, I started to cry with the family. [audience laughter] I think I babbled something like, "She was so young." [audience laughter] And by the time we got done with the arrangement, they were patting me on the back, saying, "You’ll be all right. Don’t worry." [audience laughter] But at the end, they were nice people because I did something, maybe my sincerity that made them feel better and they said, "Thank you." Well, the year goes by and I’m trying to fumble through my industry here. And I come across Antoinette. And Antoinette was the girl who worked at the deli down the block from the funeral home. And three, four days a week we would eat our lunches by going down to deli and getting our sandwiches. 

 

And Antoinette was not only the sandwich girl, she was a divorcee in the neighborhood and the local barfly. If she wasn't at the deli, you could find her at any pub by 8 o'clock at night. And this is the truth, because her mother was so involved in the neighborhood, we would see her pass by the funeral home either to go to church or ask if we saw her. So, one Sunday morning, the phone rings at the chapel. And I know it was a Sunday because I said, "What is she doing up so early? Saturday night's a big night out." So, she said her mom died and she wanted to come over and make the funeral arrangements. So, professionalism kicks in. I said, "Antoinette, come right over. We’re going to get you through this." We make the arrangements. They were very religious people. Her mom was very involved in the neighborhood and in the church and every parish that she could go through an open door. So, we set up a traditional two-day wake followed by the mass at the church down the block, which was the biggest in the neighborhood. And then we were going to Mount St. Mary Cemetery over in Queens.

 

So, anybody who has a drunk in their family knows that a wake is the license for public consumption and nobody’s allowed to say anything. [audience laughter] And Antoinette did not disappoint. [audience laughter] For two days she was stumbling around in the funeral home. She was laughing with everybody that came through the door that she didn’t see for a while. And she was crying at the most inappropriate times, like, "Where’s the bathroom, uh?" [audience laughter] So, this was our entertainment. And I’m figuring the morning of the funeral that she was going to be out on the binge the night before. We were going to get started late, but to my surprise, she actually got there early. So, we go off to church and it was a nice send-off for a woman who was a little bit elderly because the church was packed. It was the kind of-- you had to bus in three communities full of people in order to get this church full and the old lady had this church filled with everybody that she knew. There were eight priests on the altar. We had about four altar servers. Everybody wanted to pick a song that they knew was one of her favorites. And two people did a eulogy. 

 

At the end of the mass. I’m standing outside by the hearse and I knew we were going to pass Mom’s house. And I watch Antoinette come down the stairs and she comes over to me and I could smell that she’s been drinking a little bit, and I know it wasn’t communion wine. And she said, "Chris, before we go past-- before we go to the cemetery, after we pass Mom’s house, can we go past the house that I grew up in?" I didn’t think it was a problem, but I asked “If she knew anybody who lived there.” She told me “No.” So, I figured we’d go surprise the new homeowner and stop in front with the hearse. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I get the procession going. I have a hearse that I’m driving. The limousine is carrying the family and about 20 private cars following behind us. Now, if anybody has ever tried to lead one car through the streets of Queens, you know it’s pretty much impossible. And I have a tail of 20 cars following behind me. And I knew which car was going to be the problem because the first light we go through, the light turns green. And I have two cars after the limousine behind me. And it was this little old man who was driving a dark little Fiat with his hands above his head, looking through the steering wheel. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I go about a block further down and I pull to the side because I don’t want anybody to get rear-ended. I only have a couple cars with me, and I stand out and I’m waving people past so they don’t get in my line. The light turns green and I hear this engine starting to rev. And out of the dust comes this car moving a lot slower than it sounded. [audience laughter] But by the time he got to me, he blew right past the whole funeral procession. And everybody else followed behind him, too. He was like-- now I’m in trouble because I lost half the line or more. I figured he’s old enough, he’s been at the cemetery probably more times than me. [audience laughter] And I take my time and I head over to Mount St. Mary’s Cemetery and I pull in and everybody is not just there waiting for me, they’re out of their cars like they’ve been there a while, and this is not helping my plight here. So, I bring everybody who was once in front of the procession back to the front and I get out of the car. 

 

Before I get to the back of the hearse, Antoinette is already out of the limousine and she’s stumbling towards me and she’s being a little bit belligerent and she goes, "You dumbass." I go, "Excuse me?" She goes, "You lost half my mother’s friends and now nobody’s going to be here." After so many people that were at the church, I said, "No, Antoinette, look, everybody’s right over here. They’re by the cemetery office." She goes, "Don’t you tell me. Get out of my face." I go, "Antoinette, everybody’s over here." She goes, "You idiot. Fuck you." 

 

And even though we were outside, I heard the collective gasp of everybody like [gasps]. And my arm was still sticking out like this. It was like I was watching the whole thing. I was talking to myself. I said, "Did you see that? I saw that." [audience laughter] And I didn’t want her to be intimidated. So, here’s where I failed psych. I brought my arm back around. I took a step back so she doesn’t feel intimidated. And I said, "Antoinette, get back in the fucking limousine. I got to go plant your mother." [laughter and applause] Forget training. I was brought up better than that. [audience laughter] And I thought I was going to get gang-tackled, [audience laughter] but everybody else was standing there, so I figured I’d put my head down and I’ll head off to the cemetery office. I’m going to let them know we’re here and either they were going to jump on me or part the way, and it was like the Red Sea opened up and I just walked inside. 

 

I came back out. I was embarrassed to come back out, if you want to know the truth. And everybody was in their cars. I guess they didn’t want to be with the psycho undertaker. Now, I never cursed at somebody and then prayed for them so close before in my life. [audience laughter] And I had to take them back up to the grave. I would pick my head up, they would put their head down, and I said prayers. And it was a quiet prayer because the lady that died didn’t deserve what had happened. You could have heard a pin hit the grass. Now, normally when I get done, I go over to the next of kin and go, "Is there anything else you need?" I didn’t think that was a good idea here, yes of course. So, I went back to the hearse and I figured I’m going to drive back to the funeral home to get fired. On my way back, I said, "You know, I really like working here. Maybe I won’t say anything. I’ll catch the boss by surprise." 

 

As soon as I get back to the funeral home chapel and I go to put the keys back in the drawer, there’s a note there "Chris, the boss is looking for you." Now, he was all the way back at two buildings that we had put together. He was so far back in the funeral home, he was walking down two long hallways. And when you think you’re getting fired, it was like walking the Green Mile. I go over, I knock on the door, he goes, "Who is it?" I go, "It’s Chris." He goes, "Come on in." Now, normally when you opened up his office door, you were looking at his back. Now when I got in the room, he had his elbows on his knees, he was palming his face. He had these big round glasses that were in style at the time. And he’s looking over the top of them and he goes, "What happened?" I said, "About what?" [audience laughter] And he told me that somebody from the family called already from the cemetery. "What happened?" I said, "She was being belligerent and I don’t get paid enough." "Relax, I’m going to let you off the hook." I guess he was afraid I was going to ask for a raise. He goes, "The cousin called and said everybody in the limousine couldn’t come to your rescue because they needed the ride home, but they wanted to thank you for putting Antoinette in her place." [audience laughter] 

 

Now I feel good about myself. He said, "The only thing you did wrong was you tried to justify the mistake." He’s in business. He said, "Whether the customer’s right, wrong, or drunk, just act like they're right and walk away the next time." I said, "Anything else?" He said, "Yeah, don’t order deli anymore." I said, "Is that it?" He goes, "No, there’s two bodies in the prep room. Go embalm them." Now a lot of people might think that was a punishment, that was actually my job. So, the day goes on and a few weeks pass and I didn’t know it at the time because I was young and I was brass and I had a short fuse, but I learned a lesson there. And a few weeks later, it hit me in the face. 

 

I was in the embalming room. My friends and I used to alternate. You direct today, I embalm. And I was back in the embalming room and I opened up the pouch that a body came in and I was taken back because it was the face of an 18-year-old boy. And when you’re 23 and you’re embalming somebody younger than you, it’s a little surreal. So, I take my gloves off, I run back up to the front, I grab my friend who made the arrangements. I said, "Stevie, what happened with this kid?" because we usually try to tip each other off what’s happening. He goes, "Well, the police told his father about 2:30 in the morning the other day, he and his friend were going to a bodega on their way home and he bumped into somebody. And nobody said 'Excuse me,' nobody said 'I’m sorry,' and literally pushing came to shove. Two minutes later, the other man pulled a gun at him, pulled the trigger."

 

I wasn’t so surprised that there was a bullet hole between his eyes, and this is what funeral directors come across every once in a while. I was so caught back by the look of surprise on his face because his head was towards me and his eyes were still open. And that’s when it hit me, when I said, "This kid died for nothing." And I should have-- not that I thought that I was going to get shot in a Catholic cemetery arguing with a drunk whose mother was dead, but there’s been plenty of times before that where I now could consider myself lucky. So, folks, from a younger funeral director’s point of view, I say every once in a while, realize that life is fragile and sometimes, unfortunately, it’s short. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and every once in a while, when you stop to smell the roses, pick a few for yourself too. Thank you for listening.