Toast - Collin Quinn

 

About four months ago, I get a phone call. De Niro's wife calls me and says, “Look, I'm having a surprise party for De Niro, would you go and do stand-up comedy at the restaurant?” So now I'm very jaded. You have to understand it. I was jaded to begin with, but just being in show business, you get very jadey. You don't want to do anybody's stupid birthday party, especially because it's going to be in a restaurant and it's just a hell gig. Like, after a while, you get to know where the hell gigs are. [audience laughter] It's just a bad setup, people are eating, but this is different because it's De Niro. And like any other guy, I have that thing about De Niro, you know what I mean? [audience laughter] Where I'm like, De Niro--

 

And it's not just a worship of De Niro, it's also like I secretly feel like if De Niro ever got to spend some time with me [audience laughter] that he'd really-- pretty soon it'd be like Robert De Niro and Colin Quinn starring in the Martin Scorsese production. [audience laughter] And I figured worst comes to worst, Scorsese will be there and he'll see me and he'll be like, “Oh, my God, what's this guy been hiding from for so many years.” [audience laughter] And I'm not even really into acting. I mean, I'm a comedian, that's what I love to do, but, De Niro Scorsese movie, I would accept, so, only if it was like a real man on man part kind of thing.

 

And when you do these gigs, if it's a one-night gig, like this is going to be-- I think it's called Le Cirque, whatever's across in St. Patrick's Cathedral. It's a famous restaurant, like Le Cirque. I could be wrong on the name. I think it's called La Cirque, but it's on Fifth Avenue in some man, like a Trump Hotel or something. I don't even know it. But-- is it La Cirque? 

 

Audience: [00:01:47] Yeah.

 

Good. So, all right, [audience chuckle] it's in Le Cirque. So usually, you don't prepare for one night. You're not going to write 20 minutes of material, you could do one stupid night of comedy, it's a waste of time. You work on some stuff in about the local thing, you bust balls at the table and then you do your act. [audience laughter] And you're going to write 20 specific minutes or a half hour specific-minutes, you couldn't do that every night, it's ridiculous to memorize it, right? 

 

But this is different. De Niro, as I say, so I actually wrote out. I sat home for like three nights in a row and sat there like you know and it's not like-- It's pathetic because I'm too old to be like that in enthusiastic about anything. [audience chuckle] But here I am like writing home about De Niro. And I wrote-- I set it up into three parts. One part was me coming out. And I know from being a comedian for 20 years, you come out, you start zinging people with quick ones, start hitting them with because it's like a roast. There's all these people, they're not expecting a comedian. I know how these gigs go boom, boom, start slamming people, get a few laughs.

 

Then I was going into a kind of humorous story about the first time I heard about De Niro, but like a true story that's humorous and kind of poignant to it. [laughter] And then the third part is going to be me-- it's humiliating to say, but it was going to be me doing because every guy knows some scenes from all of De Niro's movies. It was me doing like little scenes. [audience laughter] I mean, I've never been like this in my life. Scenes from De Niro's movies playing all the little characters because I forget I memorized all the scenes. He'll probably go nuts, he’ll go “This guy knows every line in every--" Well, every guy knows every line in De Niro movie, yeah.

 

But I figured I was kind of representing all of us that like De Niro fans [audience laughter]. And because De Niro-- I feel this is plus I just gotten to the point, stand up wise. After all these years, I was like, my act, I'm so tight on stage, blah, blah, blah. I know exactly what I'm doing. Anything I do, I just know how to do it this is like meant to be that his wife would call me at this time in my life when like I'm really tight comedically. [audience laughter] 

 

So anyway, I go-- so I go to the gig, I get to the gig and I see already it's kind of like a weird-- there's a side room, all the kids are playing in the side room at the Le Cirque. So, I'm ready and I'm like kids are still playing outside, it's not even dark yet, it's almost dark. I pull up in a cab, I go in there, they give me a mic. The staff is looking at me like, oh, like all actors, like, I wish I could be like this guy. They give me a cordless mic. I'm in this side. There's like probably 80 people, but like heavyweights, they got like Irwin Winkler type people. I don't even know if he was there, but people-- these like names you haven't heard in 20 years, but they are real powerhouses and shit.

 

And like at one table it's Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, and Robin Williams in the corner. But that doesn't bother me because, you know, it does bother me. [audience laughter] Then they got ladies wave, and then-- now Billy Crystal, by the way, doesn't like me and I don't blame him. Every time he put on SNL, he told some friend of mine, what's Colin Quinn's problem? Every time he put on SNL, he's slamming one of my movies. What, does he hate me or something? So, of course that makes me pissed at him or like, what does he care? But of course, if that was me, if I was him, I'd feel the same way, but it doesn't matter. So, me and him have never met, but there's a lot of static. [audience laughter] 

 

So now then on the other side of the room, you got Chris Walken, Harvey Keitel, all these guys. So, I go with my-- so, there's a podium, cordless mic, and you can sense a hell gig, but like I said, after a certain amount of years, you get beyond, you're bigger, you can rock, you turn around gigs. Hell gigs, it doesn't matter. So especially because I have all this specific material. 

 

So, I get a little podium for my three-part De Niro thing. Just in case, I want to make sure I get it all in. So, I go up there, everyone's eating. She goes-- nobody introduces me. Just let him go up with the mic. [audience laughter] So that's always good, but it doesn't matter. So, they got all the people eating with the first course, I’m just don't put me on. Put me on after the course, I'm telling the wife, we're backstage, plotting. It's a surprise. Nobody knows I'm there, except for the wife. 

 

I go out there, “Hey.” [audience laughter] And everyone's looking. I go, “Oh, it's great to be here, De Niro. I met him once very briefly on SNL,” So everybody's like, okay, who is this son of a bitch, right? But I think you all know me. So, I figured I'd start with a few roast zingers to get the crowd going. So, I go, “Hey, De Niro, I'll tell you the truth, I really love-- you're one of the greatest actors of all time. Do you do any other accents?” And everyone looks at me like ah. And then I go [audience laughter] I go, no, seriously, you prepare for your roles very seriously. You know, you gain weight for Raging Bull. Then for the Untouchables, you put on a few. Hey, maybe you're just a fat bastard who likes to eat. [audience laughter] Just looking at me, who's this son of a bitch insulting to Di Niro at his birthday, his big birthday right now? [audience laughter] 

 

So, a couple of them know me, sort of, but they're still wondering why I'm here. Nobody-- [audience laughter] So I'm still trying to get De Niro. So I go, oh, boy. Hey, I heard you prepare for your roles very seriously for months. How do you prepare for Rocky and Bullwinkle? By looking in the mirror and apologizing to your fans, ha-ha, whoa. [audience laughter] 

 

So now, all right, now I realize I'm bombing, already it's starting. And I'm looking out the window, I see St. Patrick's Cathedral, which is kind of like symbolic, like they got [unintelligible 00:07:18] And it's kind of raining out, it's still my dark, it's bad enough, it's a bad environment of comedy. So, I say, screw it they're obviously here for De Niro. I'm not stupid. I move over to Keitel and Walken and those guys, I'll slam them for a few minutes. [audience laughter] So, they’re sitting over there. So, I go, “Hey, Keitel, why don't you make yourself at home? Take your pants off.” [audience laughter] I know it was only one movie he did it, but he's kind of known for it anyway. [audience laughter] So, then I go, “Chris Walken--" So that goes less than nothing now. Then I go to Chris Walken. I go, “Hey, Chris Walken, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be doing a cameo in an unwatchable independent film?” [audience laughter] Oh, I'm singing him. And the dumb girl with him was like “yeah.” Applauding. She thinks I just said something good about him.

 

So, normally, in a situation like this, a pro comedian like myself or anybody else, you realize you're starting to sweat, you go into your act, but I know my act is not going to work and I'm looking over and I just know I can't really see them in the back table, but I know Billy Crystal must be living his goddamn glory right now. [audience laughter] He must be so happy to see me fall, you know what I'm saying? I can't see him between Robin and Whoopi, but I know he must be back there just eating it up. 

 

So now, of course, I'm bombing with the roast things. So now instead of going into my act, which probably wouldn't have worked, but it would have been better than nothing, I start trying to go into my story about the emotional time and the De Niro story. And now my mouth is dry. I'm saying things out of sequence because that's what happens when you start bombing. You're saying things out of sequence, and you're saying words out of order, you know, this one backwards. I'm like, “I mean, De Niro, seriously is a great guy,” but they need me, the guy that doesn't know to say seriously. He's good too. Let me just give him my stamp of approval [unintelligible 00:09:14].

 

So, they're looking at me with semi hate. A couple of people had pity, but mostly it was hate. [audience laughter] And De Niro goes, “Keep going.” A couple of people start heckling me like old people start hostilely, like, yelling, like, “Hey.” De Niro goes, “Hey, I think you're funny.” And so, he's pitying me. It's really pathetic. So I go, “Thanks, Bob,” and I try to improv with him. And I mean, once you bomb and once the audience hates you, it's over. There's no point. It doesn't matter what you do, you know what I mean? When it's over, that's it. 

 

But for some reason, I can't let myself give up my dream. I had this whole dream put together of me and De Niro and it's not that I do that all the time. I'm not some starstruck kid. I'm thinking, you know, but this is the one. And it was just-- So, anyway, I get to part three. Now, this is the worst part, because here I am behind a podium. Everybody hates my guts. It's uncomfortable. All the waiters that were jealous of all the actors are looking at me like I would rather wait tables for 20 years than be this asshole. [audience laughter] They were like, totally just like, ugh. I mean, they were really looking disgusted at me. 

 

So, then I actually go into like-- and I'm not known for my vocal range, as we know. [audience laughter] I go into Goodfellas, the scene, if you know, Goodfellas in the bar with Billy Batts, De Niro, Joe Pesci and somebody else, and Frank Vincent. And it's like four people in the scene. I'm actually doing a reenactment of the scene. I mean, and I'm doing each of the different characters, of course, the same voice with each of them, which could work for that actual scene. But I'm like, “Hey, Billy. Hey, Joe.” And I'm moving like this [audience laughter] to show the different people. [audience laughter] And I mean, people are just mortified because now even De Niro's wife, who set the whole thing up who I believe even she's looking at me pissed off now. Get off, you know what I mean? She's like, “Get off.” You know what I mean? And I'm doing this thing and I'm looking at St Patrick's across the street, and it's just like--

 

And then one lady goes, “Aww.” Like she felt sorry for me. “Aww,” [audience laughter] and now I had on it. Oh, I had another gig. So, I had two shirts, I had a nice-- I just wore this cashmere shirt and I was a little excited. I had that with me, but I carry-- I don't have ever carry bags in my family. We never carry like, God forbid suit bags. You just carry it with you, that's how we do. So, I got a suit on, nice suit, nice shirt, which is soaked through to the core with sweat. [audience laughter] I mean, it's really-- my whole face is sweating. I mean, just a shame filled nobody. And these are people that will study faces like actors and directors, they could see shame. [audience laughter] I feel like they could see inside like an X-ray. I'm just filled with shame. My whole life is miserable.  

 

And then-- so, finally I just go, [onomatopoeia] happy birthday. And I get off stage, it's like-- there's a smattering sort of applause. But even when people, when they're mad at you, even if they kind of feel like bad, they still can't really applaud. They resent you for wasting and ruining the party, whatever. [audience laughter] So, I go outside, I'm trying to get the whole thing together. So, Robin Williams comes outside. I'm standing on Fifth Avenue because I have to go to this other gate. Robin Williams comes outside crying with laughter. He knows me a little bit. He's laughing his balls off. He goes, “You went up there? My wife goes, what's that guy doing with the microphone talking? What's he doing up there, Robin?” And she told him, “Go up and save him at some point,” that would have been-- the only way this story would have been worse is if Robin Williams had come up and started doing his improv and saved me and the whole crowd was like, “Oh, Robin, you saved this idiot.” So, thank God he didn't, he knows better. 

 

Anyway, the end of the story is me talking to Robin and just saying, “It doesn't bother me, Robin, because you know I'm just talking about gigs and it's another bomb, it doesn't matter. You don't really look at it like.” And then he starts laughing because what happened was my stupid shirt, my new cashmere shirt. He didn't know it was my new, very exciting cashmere shirt that I bought. It was kind of raining, like I said, it fell off the hanger, and it was just in a puddle [audience laughter] And it's like-- but only a little bit of it was in the water part as I turned around to get it and I'm not kidding, ask Robin Williams if you know him. As I turned around to get it, a car [audience laughter] pulled my shirt. Oh, my God. [laughs] Happy birthday, Bob.