Elna Baker - To Russia With Love

 

So, I'm 28 years old, and I'm flying to Siberia to tell my parents that I've lost my virginity. [audience chuckle] Most children wouldn't feel compelled to do this. Most parents honestly don't want to know. But my family is different. We're very close. And my parents are Mormon. And for Mormons, sex before marriage is considered the second most serious sin next to murder. [audience chuckle] A horrible thing, sex. Something that brought us all here. [audience chuckle] 

 

And for the year that I had taken a break from being Mormon and then ultimately ventured into having sex, I had been racked with guilt about how my parents would respond to this. Worst case scenario, they might disown me. And I was so afraid of how they would respond that I finally decided the only way to find out was to just tell them. But also, I had written an article for Glamour magazine about how I had lost my virginity, [audience laughter] and [chuckles] it was going to come out in three months. And I decided I should give them fair warning. Now, this article was supposed to be like a heartfelt piece about what it's like to lose your virginity later in life. But then Glamour got their hands on it, and the title was, "Guess what, I'm not a virgin anymore." [audience laughter] And there was a photo of me dangling a cherry over my mouth. [audience laughter] And this article was slated to come out the same week as my younger sister's wedding. [audience laughter] And I knew I had to tell my parents because I didn't want to upstage the wedding. It'd be like, "Julia's getting married, Elna's going to hell." [audience laughter] So, three months before it came out, I flew to Siberia. 

 

Now my parents live in Siberia because my dad runs a titanium factory there. Yeah. [audience chuckle] Actually, my goal is to run down the halls and knock things over and be like, "It's daddy's factory." [audience laughter] But it takes three days to fly to Siberia, so I had plenty of time to prepare my speech. And, I was most afraid not that they would disown me, but that I was going to disappoint them beyond heartbreak. And I think the reason for that is Mormons believe a very specific thing, and that is that families can be together forever. So, after you die, you can still be with your family if you're married in a Mormon temple and if your kids keep God's commandments.  And because I had broken the second most serious commandment, I was essentially going there to tell my parents that I wouldn't be with them in the afterlife and that we only had a little bit more time together. [audience laughter] And so, I wanted to tell them the first day because then I thought, "Well, we'll have two weeks to repair our relationship." 

 

So, I get there and the first thing my mother says when she sees me is, "You look different." [audience chuckle] And I think, "I don't have a hymen." [audience laughter] I don't know. I was like, "I can't tell her now. I'll tell her tomorrow." So, then the next day we go on this hike, and it's beautiful and it's peaceful, and I think I should tell my parents to get to the top of this mountain. And I'm about to tell them when my mother turns and looks out and she says, "Look at that pure white snow." [audience laughter] I think, "I'm not a virgin anymore." And I was like, "I can't tell them now." And so, I don't tell them. And for two weeks, we just had so much fun together. They were proud of me and they liked me and I wasn't in trouble. [audience chuckle] 

 

And it's amazing how much you can appreciate something when you're really afraid you're about to lose it. And I was really afraid I was about to lose my relationship, as I understood it, with my parents. And then it was the last day of my trip and I still hadn't told them. My father had gotten up early to go to the titanium factory to work. They don't run themselves. [audience chuckle] And my mother made breakfast and I thought, "Okay, I'll tell mom. She can tell dad." So, we're sitting down to breakfast and I'm about to tell her when I cut into the eggs that she's made me. And some of the yolk splashed up into my eye. And I cover my eye and I say, "Oh my God." And my mother drops her silverware and says, "Do not take the Lord's name in vain. Do you know how much that hurts me?" [audience chuckle] “Yeah. And I think, "I can't tell her ever." And I just-- I start to cry because I think how sad it is. Like, is this what being an adult is? You can't talk about your life to your parents anymore? Because, like, when you do things that are PG-13, you can share, and then when you stop, you can't share. 

 

And my dad showed up an hour later and we got in the cab to go to the airport and it was a three-hour drive to the airport. And I think, "Well, this is the last chance. This is why I'm here. I'll tell them." But then my dad starts talking to the driver and they're making friends and I'm like “Now I have to tell my parents and the driver.” [audience laughter] And they start talking about Russia. And the driver asked my parents, in their time there, what they would change about Russia. And my father immediately answers, "The alcoholism. It's ruining this country." And the driver says, "Well, how do you change that?" And my dad says, "You never take the first sip because, I know myself. I have an addictive personality. I can't just have one brownie. [audience chuckle] And if you take that first sip, you'll never stop." And I'm sitting in the front and I turn around and I go, "You know, it's funny that you say that because you used to teach that to us growing up. And, I drink now, and it's totally possible to drink in moderation." Well, I turn around and my parents' faces are white. And my dad says, "What? You drink?" And I say, "You didn't know that?"

 

And I was like, "You knew that? I was on my Rumspringa from Mormonism. [audience chuckle] I was taking a break. What did you guys think that meant?" And my mother says, "We thought it meant you weren't going to church on Sunday." [audience chuckle] And I'm like, "We are not on the same page at all." And I guess it was wrong of me to think that my parents would understand. I had decided after nine years of living in New York as a practicing Mormon, I mean, really trying to be Mormon, and I had so many crises of faith, and every time I was told it's because you're just not being obedient enough. So, I would just try to be more Mormon. And then finally one day I thought, "I don't know what's on the other side. And I want to do what the Amish do, where for a year at 16, they can go out into the world and try anything they want and come back with no religious consequences." And so, I decided to start a break. And it took a lot. Now I have been drinking for the first time, smoking, having coffee, having sex. I mean, each one of these things, it was terrifying and new. 

 

And it brought something into my life that I could somehow not undo. And now I had to try to share that life with my parents. Well, they gave me the silent treatment for the three hours to the airport. And when we got there, my father said, "This break of yours, is it worth it?" And I thought about it. And in the midst of the year of doing all these things, there had been one moment of clarity. But I could not share that with my father. [chuckles] It happened a few months earlier. When I first started drinking, I was too afraid to have more than one glass because I'd seen Girls Gone Wild and I didn't know how many they had. I was like, "How many till I show my boobs?" [audience laughter] So, I would just have one glass. 

 

But I went to a holiday party, and I had a few more drinks than usual. And I was there with this guy that I liked. And it got late into the night, and at one point he turned to me and he said, "Let's check into the Chelsea Hotel." Yeah. [audience chuckle] And I thought, "You know, I can't do-- I don't even-- I've never done anything with a guy." But then I thought, "No, I'm on a break. I can do this." So, I said yes. And I still remember, it was 4:00 in the morning and the sound my heels made on the marble as we approached that front desk. And there was this old woman, and her back was to us, and she was filing mail. And I kind of leaned in and I said, "Excuse me. Is it too late to check in?" And she turned around, and she had frizzy red hair and smeared lipstick and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. And she just said, "Actually, most people check in right about now." [audience laughter] [laughs]

 

And it was this whole other world. And went upstairs, and, I didn't end up having sex that night, but it was the first time that I was naked with somebody, which is really special. And we fell asleep, and maybe an hour later, I woke up with a "What am I doing here? What am I doing here with a naked man?" And just, "What am I doing here?" And all this time, my biggest fear of not being Mormon was that my light would go out because I was taught that God is light and truth and that sin is darkness, and the more sin you let in, the darker you will be. And here I was letting darkness in, but I still have my light, and it was okay. But you can't tell that to your dad, right? [chuckles] So, instead, when he asked me if the break was worth it, I just said, "I don't know yet." And I got on the plane, and as the doors to the plane shut, I realized that I had flown all the way to Siberia to tell my parents that I'd had sex. And instead, I just revealed that I drink in moderation. [audience laughter]

 

Well, a month before the article came out, I called them and I told them, and it was really, really hard. And actually, my gay best friend told me later that the speech I gave is literally the same speech every gay man gives when he's coming out to his parents. [audience laughter] I said, "Look, I need to tell you something I've been so afraid to tell you because I thought maybe you wouldn't love me anymore, [audience chuckle] but I need to be honest with you about who I am. I'm not doing this to hurt you. [audience laughter] [chuckles] I'm 28 years old and I finally decided to have sex. Please love me anyway." And my parents' response was the best-case scenario. They told me that they were incredibly disappointed, that they didn't think this was going to make me happy, but that I was still their daughter and that they will always love me.

 

And the next time I saw them was at my sister's wedding a month later. And it was a Mormon wedding in the Salt Lake City Temple. And because of that, and because I'm not practicing, I wasn't actually allowed in the wedding, but I was a bridesmaid. So, for the three-hour ceremony, I had to be in the parking lot in my bridesmaid's dress [audience laughter] and come out for a picture. And I remember it was freezing. And just sitting out there in my bridesmaid's dress, I just started thinking, "What if Mormonism is true, and everything I grew up learning is right and I'm walking away from it. Is this what the afterlife is going to be like?" My parents, my whole family is inside of this beautiful glowing white building. I am in a car in a bridesmaid's dress for eternity. [audience laughter] 

 

And you know, the year of my break was almost up and I thought about the whole notion of taking a break. I think some people can just decide or be done with something and make up their mind, but then other people like me, we need a break because there are things in both worlds that we just want to hold onto so badly. And yet the more you try to hold on to them, the further apart they get, until finally you just have to let some things go. And, my family is the most important thing to me in my life. But I had to finally just decide to try to live a life. And in the end, you just hope you let go of the right things. Thank you.