Steve Zimmer - To Bid or Not to Bid

 

I've never been married, or lived with someone, or owned real estate, or taken a true vacation, or purchased brand new furniture. [audience chuckles] These are sources of concern for my girlfriend Megan, when she moves in with me in July 2014. [audience laughter] So, four months later, it's November and she's still there. [audience laughter] We need to get a desk because Megan's a freelance book editor, and so she has a lot of papers that can't go on my desk. [audience laughter] And so, I go on eBay to look at used desks. The very first one is this beautiful Danish wood desk, expiring in five minutes and currently at $300. So, I called Megan in, and we're like, "This is worth way more than $300." And so, we put in a max bid of $503 to outmaneuver the crowd at $501. [audience chuckles] 

 

Now, if we don't win the desk, then afterward eBay will send me an auction alert saying, "You've lost" or "You let it slip away." [audience laughter] These alerts never used to bother me, but now that I'm 52 years old, they feel really insightful. [audience laughter] So, with three minutes left, we were the high bidder. I start to get worried, because Megan and I have never made a big purchase together. Our previous attempt at a big purchase resulted in the Bisley incident. One month ago, Megan wanted to get a $400 Bisley filing cabinet for the apartment. So, I went on Craigslist and found a used Bisley for $50, and I texted Megan to meet me at the seller's address in Kew Gardens [unintelligible 00:23:52]. It would be a long subway ride home, but mostly above ground. [audience chuckles] So, with the right attitude, it could be a date. [audience laughter]

 

Unfortunately, Megan tracked down the Craigslist ad, which I purposely not showed her, because it made the Bisley look damaged. [audience laughter] She was like, "NFW." That night, we had a big argument, and Megan pointed out that, “I'll spend 90 hours on the internet to save 10 bucks, yet pay $1,000 fines for doing my taxes a day late,” and that I was a petty, miserable person and was slowly making her miserable. [audience chuckles] So, I was like, "Fine, we'll get the new Bisley." [audience laughter] It turned into our worst fight. And now, a month later, our relationship still hasn't recovered yet. We're trying to buy a desk together in an auction in which I'm scared of both winning and losing. [audience chuckles] I'm thinking, it's too bad, Megan and I didn't meet when we were younger, and not such difficult people, and there was still time. [audience chuckles]

 

Just then, eBay sends an alert saying, there's two minutes left, and we've been outbid at $510. Now, things get tricky. I'm afraid to stop bidding, because I know Megan will get mad, and Megan's afraid to continue bidding because she knows that I'll initially go along to keep the peace, but then afterward, I'll be resentful and act like a little bitch. [audience laughter] So, neither of us says anything. We're locked in passive aggressive stalemate, which I know from my parents' marriage can be a surprisingly stable relationship platform. [audience laughter] But we don't want that.

 

And so, we just sit there and just staring at this image of the desk, which had been perfectly maintained by the previous owner, who must have understood how hard it is to find a desk you really like. And Megan says, "It's beautiful." And I say, "It is beautiful." And the eBay auction alert says, "There's still time." [audience chuckles] So, I'm like, "Let's bid $800." And Megan's like, "Really?" And I'm like, "Yes, it's worth it, especially when you factor in the money that we saved from not getting the Bisley." [audience laughter] And so, we bid $806, and settle in for the last minute of the auction. With 10 seconds left, we're the high bidder. And then, the price goes to $1,100 [audience aw] and $1,300 before closing at $1,520. [audience aw] 

 

Megan and I sit there motionless, still locked in the embrace that we instinctively initiated when the price went over $1,000. [audience laughter] We tried to make sense of what just happened. eBay, however, understands instantly and sends and issues an alert saying that we're losers. [audience laughter] And it's true. We're older and have had lives defined by regret, [audience chuckles] but there's still time. So, three months later, I bid on an engagement ring that had been perfectly maintained by the previous owner. [audience laughter] And this time, it doesn't slip away. Thank you.