Sofija Stefanovic - The Scammer Who Loved Me (Not)

 

Last year, on top of my relationship with my boyfriend Michael, I found myself in another relationship with a woman called Cindy. It was based on deception and guilt, and it left me feeling like a crap. So, I first met Cindy on the internet via my spam folder. She was single, [audience chuckle] she was a hairstylist, she was from Senegal, she was obviously a scammer. Now, I already knew something about scammers, because I had written for a TV show a couple years back and I'd researched them. So, I knew that romance scammers approach lonely hearts online, and they start a relationship with them and they eventually fleece them of their money. I had even become friends with a romance scam victim, an 80-year-old guy called Bill, who had been left heartbroken and bankrupt by his scam.

 

And just before I moved from Australia to the US, I celebrated Bill's birthday with him. I was the only guest. We spoke as we usually did about his scam. And he said something that really stuck with me. He said that the whole time he was being scammed, he knew in the back of his head that he was being scammed, but he kept sending money because he couldn't bear for it to end. I found that fascinating how someone's-- I'd always thought that scam victims were pretty gullible people and that they were a bit stupid. But Bill was neither of these things. He was a really smart, worldly man. I thought it was amazing how someone's loneliness can override their common sense.

 

And so, last year, my boyfriend Michael and I make the big move from Melbourne, Australia, to New York. And every day, Michael goes to work and he makes new friends and I stay at home researching scams, because I want to write about them. I want to write about victims like Bill, and I want to write about perpetrators. So, that's around the time that Cindy's email comes into my spam folder. And it says something like, "Hello, my sweet man, are you looking for a friendship?" Everyone gets those emails. You get them all the time. You just press delete. But for me, at this particular point in my life, it was like this amazing present that had dropped in my lap and here I had myself a guinea pig scammer.

 

So, I responded. I clicked reply and I said, "Hello, Cindy, tell me about your hairstylist work." And immediately, I get this ping notification that Cindy wants to chat with me. And she says, "Hi, sweetie." Clearly, she's got her wires crossed between me and someone else who she's scamming, because she asks me what the weather is like in Mumbai. [audience chuckle] So, I google it and I tell her what the weather is like in Mumbai. [audience laughter] It becomes apparent that she thinks I'm a middle-aged man, which I also don't correct her on, because we're all lying to each other at this point. [audience laughter] And so, she thinks I'm a middle-aged man in Mumbai and she knows about the weather now. I also used a fake unisex name just to make things a bit easier for myself.

 

So, Cindy sends me a photo. She's this Senegalese woman, quite pretty, with a full build, hair tied back in a ponytail, leaning against a car. Even though I know that this isn't necessarily the real Cindy who I'm talking to, because scammers often steal photos from various places, it's easier to attach a face to a name. So, whenever something comes from Cindy, this is the woman who I think of. The World Cup soccer is just starting at this point, and I'm a fan. And because Cindy is from Senegal, I assume that she is too, because soccer is big in Senegal. But she tells me that she's not into it, but that she will make an effort to watch it, because I like it, and that's what people in relationships do for each other. So, according to her, we're now dating. [audience laughter] 

 

So, while my boyfriend is at work, my Senegalese girlfriend and I chat online and watch soccer. [audience laughter] When my boyfriend is not at work, I tactfully close my laptop, because I don't want him to think that while he's away, all I'm doing is chatting to scammers. I don't want him to see just how many pings I get from Cindy, because I get so many pings from Cindy. Cindy is probably the most attentive person I've ever semi-dated in my life. [audience laughter] If I go to the restroom, she'll write like, "Hey, babe, I love you." And if I'm not there to answer immediately, she'll write the same thing like 60 more times. So, I'll come back to this screen full of "I love you, I love you," which is, in some ways, really nice and in some ways, really overwhelming. [audience chuckle]

 

So, we've been chatting for a couple of weeks. One thing that I find strange, is that Cindy hasn't asked me for any money yet, even though technically that's her job, right, as a scammer. So, she sends me emails full of her favorite R&B lyrics and photos of herself, but no money requests. She does, however, start asking me for a photo of myself, and she still thinks I'm the middle-aged Indian guy. So, I've got a problem now, and I think, okay, I'm just going to come clean. Cindy's going to break up with me. It won't be too bad, because this is taking up quite a lot of my time. I think I've taken this relationship far enough. 

 

So, I type, "Hey, Cindy, I have a confession to make." And she says, "What is it?" And I say, "I am not a man." And there's silence. I think, oh God. Cindy's up at 01:00 AM, she's working really hard for a buck and I've just told her that I've been lying to her. And she says, "Well, send me a picture." And by this point, I thought I would be Cindy free, so I'm a little confused that she's asking me for a picture. So, I make something up about how I don't have any pictures on my hard drive. And she says, "Hey, listen, you have been lying to me for several weeks now. I have sent you my photos. The least you could do is send me a photo of yourself." And in this moment, because I'm prone to feeling anxious and guilty at the best of times, I think, actually, she's right. I really should send her a photo. 

 

So I get a photo, I send it [audience laughter] and I wait to see what she says. And she writes back, and she says, "Oh, you're pretty." And I go, all in capitals, I write, "THANK YOU, SO ARE YOU!" Because I'm quite flattered. Also, I'm really relieved that she's not angry at me anymore. Also, I've just realized that I've sent her a real photo of myself that she could potentially trace back to the real me and then send me a dead rat in the mail. [audience chuckle] So, I'm dealing with all this stuff. Cindy's typing a really long message, because I can see by the little dots. She sends it, and she says, "Hey, listen, I was brought up thinking that women should be with men, but I have fallen in love with you and I am willing to give this relationship a try. Even though you are a woman, I'm willing to keep going with it if you are." 

 

I'm taken aback by this as well. And in the heat of the moment, I type, "Okay, let's do it." [audience laughter] So, suddenly, the real me is dating Cindy. [audience laughter] So, Cindy soon becomes tired of just chatting online and she asks me to call her. So, I dutifully do. She picks up the phone and says, "Hello." And I say, "Hello." And suddenly, my scammer not only has a face from the photo I remembered, but she has a voice. She doesn't sound like someone working for an international criminal organization. She just sounds like a tired woman trying to keep her voice down. And a baby starts crying, and I say, "Oh, do you have kids?" And Cindy says, "No, no, no. That's just the kid of this family who I share an apartment with." 

 

I think maybe she's not telling me the truth, that she's a parent, and I wonder whether she has a partner or if she's a single parent. And then, Cindy says that she's about to be evicted from her apartment and she needs $140. And there it is. It's what I was waiting for this whole time. But suddenly, I'm not really ready for it, because Cindy isn't just a spam in my inbox anymore. She's actually a real person on the other end of the line asking me personally to help her. And so, I make up a lie about how I told my friend about her, and my friend said that maybe Cindy's a scammer. It's not that I think that, but you know, are you?

 

And Cindy says, "What?" She says it with such outrage that for a second I think, hang on, what if I've got this whole thing wrong and she is just like a hairstylist from Senegal who did fall in love with me, thinking I was a middle-aged Indian man, and then has stayed in love with me actually, and I'm the idiot? And then, I think, no, that's probably not true. So, I say, "I'm sorry, I can't send you any money." And she says, "All right, never mind." And the conversation peters out. 

 

Afterwards, even though I know that it's Cindy's job to scam me, I can't help but feel guilty, because I think about her tired voice, I think about that baby crying and I think that $140 isn't really that much money. I start googling Senegal and I see that 50% of its population lives in poverty. And who's to say that Cindy isn't one of those people? And right on cue, an email comes from Cindy and she reminds me of her hard life. She tells me that her parents are dead, that her uncle is abusive, that she could sell her body like other girls, but she doesn't. And she says, "I'm trying to be a good girl. Please help me." Even if the things she's telling me aren't true, I know that they could be true. I feel like a jerk for stringing her along and I decide that I want to write Cindy a real letter from the real me.

 

I start typing this email in which I want to be honest and I want to tell her a little bit about me, but I end up telling her a whole lot. So, I tell her that my family moved from Yugoslavia to Australia when the wars began, that my dad died when I was little, that when my parents took us over to Australia, they thought that we'd never be split up again, but that here I've moved to New York and I've left my mother behind and that I miss my mum and my sister. 

 

I don't know why I'm telling Cindy all of this. Like, I think maybe I want her to see that I'm different to the other people she chats with on the internet. I think I want her to like me. But in any case, while I'm typing, I find myself crying. I write to Cindy that if only she'll be honest with me and tell me about her real self and about being a scammer that I'll find some money and I'll send it to her, that I don't mind. And the next day Cindy writes back and she ignores most of my email and just says that she's not a scammer and sends me her Western Union details. [audience laughter] That annoys me. So, I go back to her and say I'm not going to do it, unless she admits to people being a scammer.

 

We go back and forth like this for about a week, getting more and more annoyed with each other, until finally Cindy snaps and she writes me this email all in caps, angry voice, telling me that I'm a wicked, selfish woman and that she wouldn't want my money even if I did send it. She tells me that God will send a helper for her, because God always helps those in need. And she tells me that she never wants to hear from me again. And for the first time in a month, my computer goes completely silent. 

 

After Cindy dumps me, [audience chuckle] I feel like I understand Bill a little bit better. Because Bill said that the whole time he was being scammed, he knew in the back of his mind that he was being scammed, but he kept sending money, because he didn't want to get dumped the way that I had. Bill made up excuses for his scammer just like I made up excuses for Cindy, even though I knew she was a scammer in the front of my mind. But still I told myself, maybe she's a single parent, maybe she really needs this money. 

 

It reminded me of one of those really bad relationships that you stay in and you overlook so much bad stuff, because you don't want to be alone. I still think about Cindy sometimes, like when I'm watching sports [chuckles] and I wonder about her. I wonder if her baby still cries while she's scamming people. I wonder whether she still has that photo of me and if she'll one day take her revenge. I wonder whether she thinks about me at all and if she remembers the things we told each other, some of them true, some of them not, about soccer and friendship and love. Thank you.