Rosalind Croad - The Pash Dash

 

Thanks. So, I'm sitting in class when I feel a tap on my shoulder. So, I turn and I see that somebody is passing me a note. So, I take it and I open it. And inside is a question that I've never been asked before. It reads, “Will you be my girlfriend?” And then, down below, I saw two of the most beautiful words I could imagine ever side by side, because this note was from Matthew [beep]. 

 

Now, Matthew was gorgeous. He had dark skin and model-y features, and he used to tuff his hair up straight like this with Dax Wax, just like the Backstreet Boys. And at 12 years old, I had never had a boyfriend before, so I was elated. However, my delight was short-lived, because I soon realized that I had a big problem on my hands.

 

Now that I was Matthew's girlfriend, he might ask to pash me. Now, pash in New Zealand is the word we use for something I believe here is known as a snog or some may know as a French kiss. And at 12 years old, I did not know how to kiss. In fact, at 12 years old, basically none of us kids knew how to kiss. And the way that we were trying to figure it out, is that we would entrap young couples in a pash circle and demand to watch the deed. [audience laughter] What would happen is some kid would shout out across the field, “They’re going to pash,” and then a hundred kids would run like a tsunami, [audience laughter] encasing them, insisting on seeing what we came for. [audience laughter] We would ogle and start to chant, “Pash, pash, pash, pash, pash.”

 

Now, the thought of being entrapped in a pash circle and not knowing what to do utterly terrified me. So, I tried to practice. I would take my toy trolls and try and make them kiss to see if I could understand the mechanics, “I love you, Rose. I love you, Jack. I'm sorry about the boat.” A; But it wasn’t very helpful. I passionately made out with my mirror to see if I could see from a 3D view if this helped me. And then, to try and understand the sensations better, I had make-out sessions with my pillow, but I still didn’t feel prepared. 

 

And then, one day after school, as I was about to leave to go towards the gate, Matthew approached me and he said, “Would you like to hold my hand?” And inside, I was thinking, oh my God, yes, I want to hold your hand. So, I put my hand out, and he took my hand and we started to walk together towards the gate. 1, 2, 3, 4. Inside, I am feeling amazing. I have never had these romantic feelings before. There are butterflies doing parkour and acrobats inside of my stomach. 

 

So I look down at him-- We’re 12, so he only comes up to my shoulder. [audience laughter] I look down at him and he’s looking up at me, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. 5, 6, 7, 8. And then, I start to notice around me that some of the kids are also noticing us. I see some of them pointing and whispering, and it dawns on me that at any moment one of them may call a pash circle on us.

 

Now, 9, 10, 11, 12. I start to panic. My heart is beating hard and I'm going into protection mode. I am thinking, I need to prevent myself being stuck in a pash circle by any means possible. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. I pash dash away from Matthew like Usain Bolt without explaining anything. I sprint through the gate. I'm running down the streets. I'm running so hard I can feel my backpack banging on my back, with my lunch flying all over my homework. I run and I run and I run until I'm a street away from the school and I slow down. I can feel hot, frustrated tears running down my face. And in that moment, I am mortified. I'm so angry at myself. And honestly, right then, I hate myself. 

 

Things for Matthew and I went downhill pretty quickly from there. I pash dashed away from him again at the school disco, mid-Macarena, because I again thought that he was going to try and kiss me. He called me one day and said he was breaking up with me. I seemed, I guess, a bit too committed to my cross-country training and I didn't have the courage to tell him what was actually going on for me. So, at that time I decided, I am not one of those people that can figure out how to kiss. I'm writing this off. Bring it on nuns and cats. I am done with boyfriends, and I put boyfriends out of my mind. 

 

Fast forward four years and I'm 16, and I still haven't kissed anyone, except one day I am sitting in a park on a bench with a new boy who is my new boyfriend, my first boyfriend since Matthew. We're not surrounded by a bunch of kids. The only thing surrounding us is trees and the roses. And it's the evening, so the moonlight is shining down and it's lighting up his face. I see that he's looking at me, and then he leans in and he stops. I realize that he's indicating he would like to kiss me. And then, I feel myself lean in, because I realize I would also like to kiss him. And then, we kiss. I have my first kiss. 

 

And luckily, he's a much better kisser than my ex’s to that point, a mirror and a pillow. It was amazing. [audience laughter] It was wonderful. I found out that I knew exactly what to do. I was going from one period of life to another. I was pushing myself so hard, expecting that I would know exactly what to do. But if I could be patient and wait for the soil and the conditions to be right, I would bloom when the time was right. Thank you.