Erik Heen - The Other St. Joseph

 

When I was a little kid, I had this elderly great-aunt. And we all called her Babushka. I hated going to Babushka's house, because she made me work in her garden and my only reward would be an Orange Crush. One day, my mom dropped me off there and Babushka dragged me to the garden. But I had recently learned of this special maneuver where you could stick your finger down your throat and, with the end result, you could often get out of your obligations. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I crept down there between the corn stalks, and I performed this maneuver. I said, "Babushka, come here. Look at this." Babushka comes, and she looks, and it worked. She said, "Oh, my." She brings me into the house, tells me to lay down on the couch, she goes out to work in the garden, and I run to the fridge for an Orange Crush. Well, I couldn't find a bottle opener, but I recalled watching my uncle. He could take a solid object, and pry it over his finger, and pop open a beer bottle that way. So, I looked around and I saw on the shelf there, there's this row of little statues. I picked one up, and I looked, and I read at the base there, it said "St. Joseph of Cupertino.” 

 

So, he looked pretty sturdy [audience laughter] at the time. [audience laughter] I sat down in a dining room chair, and I propped his feet up against the bottle, and I cranked down really hard. But the bottle cap came off easier than I thought. The statue slammed down on the armrest, it broke the guy's head off and it went rolling to the floor. So, I'm looking at this severed head. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell over this, [audience laughter] because not only have I beheaded a saint, but I had done so while trying to access stolen merchandise. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I picked him up. There were chunks broken off his head, part of his cheekbones, his beard. So, I went to look for some glue. [audience laughter] I found some in a little glass bottle. I thought it was glue. But I was using it, it didn't have good adhesive qualities. I think it might have been nail polish. So, when I got done, looked at the guy, looked like he had the crap beat out of him. He had these big chunks that were slipping and sliding on his head. He looked like a Picasso painting. [audience laughter]

 

So, I nestled him into the back row of statues. I went back to the garden, I never worked so hard in my life. [audience laughter] That afternoon, my mom picked me up. She brought me home. I said, "Mom," I said, "You know, just for an example, if someone were to, say, damage a religious artifact. Would the wrath of God fall upon the person who damaged the artifact or on the person who owned the artifact?" [audience laughter] My mom said, "How should I know? We're Lutherans.” [audience laughter] So, I went to my friend Vince's house. 

 

Now, Vince was a Catholic. [audience laughter] I was allowed one Catholic friend-- [crosstalk] [audience laughter] I told Vince what I had done. He said, "Dude, St. Joseph is Jesus' Dad." [audience laughter] I said, "Wait a minute, Vince," I said, "God is Jesus' Dad." [audience laughter] He said, "No." Vince says, "No.” He said, “St. Joseph is the earthly dad, the guy at the manger." So, I go home, I'm freaking out now. [audience laughter] I just disfigured Jesus' Dad. [audience laughter] I couldn't sleep that night. Couldn't sleep for weeks. 

 

I have this nightmare about this special place in hell reserved for kids who decapitate holy figurines. But then, the weeks went by and nothing really bad happened. And the weeks turned to months, and everything was okay. Then it was a year. There was no great apocalypse. Ultimately, Babushka lived a long and happy life, and I forgot all about this St. Joseph issue until years later, I was in college. I was doing this paper on the Catholic Church of medieval times. I'm doing some research. There in the book, there's a list of saints, and there's St. Joseph and there's St. Joseph of Cupertino. Two Josephs opened up a whole new can of worms. [audience laughter]

 

All those years, I thought I'd beheaded the regular St. Joseph, but it was the Cupertino guy. [audience laughter] So, I read about him. It said, “St. Joseph of Cupertino is the patron saint who ensures that his followers, at the end of their life, will experience a peaceful death.” [audience laughter] I called my mother, I said, "Mom, how did Babushka die?" [audience laughter] She said, "Peacefully in her sleep." Now, the way I see this thing, this could go either way. [audience laughter] But if I might be destined for an agonizing death, then shouldn't it be for something a bit more significant than an Orange Crush?