Joe Limone - The Magic Nail

 

"Psst. Hey, kid." I'm scanning my exam, perfectly content in the knowledge that I think I've answered every question right, but not sure. I'm wanting to make absolutely, positively sure it's correct. I look up and I think, “Nah, I imagined it.” So, I'm about ready to get up and hand my test in, thinking I did very well on my Latin examination. And all of a sudden, I hear, "Psst. Hey, kid." again. And now, I'm focused on it and I knew it came from behind me, so I quickly look up, see if Father Vai has seen any of this going on and making sure that the coast is clear. When I'm sure that he hasn't noticed anything, I look back and there's this kid behind me with this inquisitive look. And in the quietest of voices, he says, "Hey, kid, what's the answer to number six?"

 

Now, a little bit of background information here. At this point in my life, I'm a sophomore in high school and I'm a complete introvert. I always do what I'm told, I never get in trouble. Most of the time people don't even know I exist. And that's just the way I like it. Now, I don't know if this was a sign of things to come or if it was who I truly am. But for some unknown reason, maybe it was the look on his face of desperation, I actually take my entire Latin exam and hand it to him. You should have seen the look on his face. So, he looks at me and he's like, "All right." He writes all the answers down and I'm just sitting there with no test in front of me for one, maybe two minutes, which is an eternity when you're an introvert in a Jesuit high school with a mad priest looking at you. So, he hands it back to me, didn't get caught, hand the exam in. He walks in--

 

He hands his in, and we're walking out of class, and he comes running up, and he's like, "Hey, kid, what's your name?" "My name's Joe." "Hey, my name's Lou. That took balls to do what you did. But I want you to know something. I'm a good student. I study all the time. I was down vacationing with my parents in Florida, and our plane got delayed. But I really do study, and I didn't get a chance to. Have you had lunch yet?” Lou and I have been the best of friends for the last 25 years.

 

Now, being born in Boston, and as a male in Boston, you're indoctrinated into the sports culture. Everything, Celtics, Bruins. Red Sox. Yes. [audience laughter] Okay, so I'm a huge Red Sox fan. I think the reason why I'm a huge Red Sox fan is I have very fond memories of my dad and me going to games. And my dad is old world Sicilian. He's arm's length, and three boys in the family. He's never told anyone of us that he loves us. 

 

But at games, I always felt his love because we would interact. We would talk about plays, we would talk about players, we would talk about Fenway Park. He would pay 25 cents for bleacher seats back when he was a young boy. He would get all pissed off that this new guy, Carl Yastrzemski, was trying to take over for Ted Williams. That would really piss him off. So, as a Red Sox fan and a lifetime Red Sox fan, there's a lot of pain associated with that.

 

All right, so, let's go to 2001. My friend Lou has landed an incredible job as chief marketing guru for the New England Patriots. Now, the New England Patriots, at the time, are also another tragic bad luck team. Bad ownership, bad teams, bad stadium, the whole nine yards. Just awful. He's working for them in that role. They're building a new stadium in 2001, and they're trying to turn the whole franchise around with new ownership and whatnot. So, I go and visit him. He says, "Hey, do you want to take a tour of the new stadium?" And I'm like, "Sure." So, we put on the hard hats, we jump in the golf cart, and we drive out to the stadium. They built a new stadium right next to the old one. So, we were right there. 

 

We're going around, and he's pointing to what's going where, and all these funky new age things that are going on. All of a sudden, we hear this big crash and banging. We look up and this whole bunch of staging is falling on top of us. I dive out of the way, he's not so lucky. I jump up. He's on the ground. There's blood everywhere. Well, a big 2x4, these huge six-inch nails came down and it went right through his hand and into his neck. So, I'm screaming, construction workers are everywhere. The ambulance comes. They take him to the hospital. I follow the ambulance to the hospital. The emergency room doctors take the nail out. They say, “He's very lucky. He could have bled to death an inch or two either way.” He asked the emergency room doctors for the nail.

 

And so, a few weeks later, after he's recovered, we're out with a bunch of friends and we're joking around and I'm like, "Why'd you ask for the nail?" And he's like, "I just wanted to remember how lucky I was." So, we named him Lucky Louie. And so, we're hanging out and we're just drinking and we go out all the time. And he's like, "What should I do with the nail?" We're trying to come up with some ideas. So, I'm like, "How about if you try and give some of that good luck that you have to the New England Patriots? Why don't you go hide the nail in the stadium?" And he's like, "That's stupid enough that it might work. That sounds like fun. I'll go do it."

 

So, he has access to the stadium. He goes and he hides the nail in the stadium. And in 2001, the Patriots, the first four games go 1 and 3. He's like, "Yeah, the stupid nail." And then, all of a sudden, the Patriots go on an unbelievable run and they win the Super Bowl. So, we're like, "Hey, the nail." We're joking around like two jerks.

 

And so, now 2002 rolls around and they're in the new-- It's the first time in the new stadium, and they're going to demolish the old stadium. So, he goes and takes the nail out of the old stadium and they demolish it. He leaves the nail on his desk for the 2002 season. The Patriots don't even make the playoffs.

 

So, 2003 rolls around. He's like, "You know what? I'm going to put the nail in the new stadium, see what happens." [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Yeah, I think that's a great idea." So, 2003, the Patriots go 2 and 2 the first four games. Then they go on this unbelievable historic run, and they win the Super Bowl. So, we're like, "The nail. Holy crap. Are you kidding me?" [audience chuckles] And so, he's like, "I'm leaving the nail until they lose. This is unbelievable." 

 

And so, I give him this look because my brain is now working, right? And he knows. He looks at me, he goes, "What?" It's that I have an idea look, and I'm like, "Obviously, the nail is magic.” [audience laughter] I said, “What if we put the nail in Fenway Park?" [audience laughter] Aghast, he's like, "It's too much to ask of the nail. [audience laughter] It's the curse. We're talking the curse, Joe." And I'm like, "I know, but we have an obligation as Bostonians, Red Sox fans, and as human beings to hide that nail in Fenway Park." [audience laughter] And he's like, "All right, all right, let's do it." 

 

Now, the trick is, how do we do it? So, he goes and gets the nail from the stadium. We're lucky, because he's the chief marketing guy at the Patriots, so he has all the friends in the other sports. So, he calls someone in the marketing group at the Red Sox, and he's like, "Listen, hey, I got a client who wants to buy these massive amounts of tickets, and we can work a deal. He's interested in Fenway, but he wants to see the park. Can we arrange a tour?" "Yeah, sure. No problem, Lou."

 

So, we walk in. I'm like, "Oh God.” I'm scared to death. A couple of marketing people come, they take us on a little tour, and they're like, "Listen, we got a big meeting, but we'll be right back, and we'll have lunch. We'll do the whole nine yards. You can go anywhere you want in Fenway Park. What you can't go near is the Green Monster." Everybody familiar with the Green Monster? The big-- Okay. Yeah.

 

So, of course, they leave, and Lou and I look at each other and where's the safest place for the nail? The Green Monster, right? So, we're walking around left field. La da da, da da, and I'm like, "Okay, give me the nail. I'll run in the door. I'll hide it real quick and come back out, and you watch." And before I know it, he goes, "No, I'll do it." And I'm like, "Lou, don't. You got a great job. I'm the idiot friend. You could just see he was an idiot. I can't believe he did what he did." So, he runs in before I could stop, and I'm like, again, one, two minutes go by. It's eternity. 

 

There's maintenance people walking around. "Hey, what are you doing around here?" Lou comes out. They don't see him. "Hey you got to leave left field here." And we leave. He's sweating out of breath, "Okay, I hid the nail behind some pipes. It's safe." So, now it's 2004. The Red Sox, you barely make the playoffs, they're a wild card. They play in the Yankees first round. We're like, "Yeah, the nail, the nail, the nail." They go down 0-3. And he's like, "I told you it was too much to ask of the nail.” [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Oh, man, it's not a magic nail." [audience chuckles] And then, the Yankees collapsed. The worst sports franchise history flop. Unbelievable. 

 

So, we're watching game seven, and they're about to win game seven of the Yankees, and they win it. We're with a whole bunch of friends. Me and Lou, the two jerks are doing, we're jumping up and down, "It's the nail, the nail." And our friends are like, "What? What are you talking about?" "Nothing. Nothing." I'm like, "Oh my God." Now, my dad's 82 years old. I've seen him cry twice in his life. Once when our dog died, [audience laughter] and the second when the Red Sox won the World Series.

 

Lou and I are drunk up at the parade. It's raining, and it's kind of cold, and we're feeling good, and we're happy. I look at him, and I'm like, "I can't believe you did what you did. You could have lost your job." He turned to me, and he gave me this knowing look, and he's like, "Are you kidding me? The first time I ever met you, what you did, you could have gotten expelled from school. That's what best friends do for each other. And I love you like a brother." "Well, Lou, I love you, too.” Thanks.