Tim Manley - Teacher Talent Show 

 

In January of 2008, I started teaching 11th and 12th grade English at a public school here in the city. I was 22 when I started, but I looked like I was 15. [audience chuckles] The kids were 17, but they looked like they were 35. [audience laughter] They did not believe I could possibly be their English teacher, but they liked that my name was Mr. Manley. [audience laughter] 

 

The first day of the school year, I wake up before dawn and I put on my favorite green tie which I had pre-knotted the night before. [audience chuckles] I get to school extra early, so that I can carefully arrange my handouts at the front of the room, and pretend I am not about to have a panic attack. Norah Jones was playing quietly in the background. [audience laughter]

 

Then the kids came in and everything just exploded. There were 15 kids over here at this table. On the other side of the room, completely alone, was one guy in a dragon T-shirt. [audience chuckles] Nobody brought a pen. [audience laughter] There were two girls making out in the doorway. I was like, "Listen, I support you, guys, but not here." [audience laughter] Then my principal comes in and he's like, "I'm just going to sit in and observe this lesson." And I'm like, "That seems like something that would happen in my life at this moment." [audience laughter]

 

I survive my first week bravely. And then, on Friday at 06:00 PM, the copy machine breaks down on me, and I burst into tears and call my mom. [audience chuckles] This is basically how the first few months of teaching go. I'm standing in front of the classroom and I'm like, "Don't panic, Mr. Manley. This is a safe space." [audience laughter] Then the principal walks in, and he just frowns at me. He used to be a drummer in a punk band, so he's a big guy with full length sleeve tattoos. His face is perpetually red and sweaty. [audience chuckles] So, this isn't just your run of the mill frown. This guy's like a professional frowner. [audience laughter] 

 

Every time he comes in the room, I just get so scared, and I just wither right in front of my students. Then I come home one Friday, and I got an email from a friend of mine from grad school. She's saying she got an interview at my school for an 11th and 12th grade English teacher position. [audience aw] And I am like, "That is so great. The kids are wonderful." “Wait.” [audience laughter] I didn't tell her that it was probably my job that she was applying for, because I didn't have enough respect for myself to tell her. Instead, I helped her prepare for the interview. [audience chuckles] I know. Did I mention to you guys that I grew up Catholic? I feel like it's very relevant right now. [audience laughter]

 

I get to school on Monday, and the principal confirms for me, “Yes.” They're thinking about someone else for my job, but they don't know. I'm just so ashamed that I'm avoiding my colleagues in the hallway, because I know that everybody knows. At lunch, I don't go out. I just sit in my room and eat Luna bars. [audience chuckles] I know they're for women, but I'm anemic, so I need the iron. [audience laughter] My students come back from lunch and I'm just like, “I love these kids so much. Look, there's the two girls making out in the doorway again. [audience chuckles] Why can't I be as confident as they clearly are?” [audience laughter]

 

But then, I think to myself like, “I used to be that confident.” When I was 17, I used to do stand-up comedy all the time. I grew up on Long Island, and I would go to the comedy club behind the McDonald's across the street from the airport. Very classy place. [audience chuckles] Every day, I was going to be in a show. I was so nervous the whole day, I couldn't eat. I'd get there. The host was this firefighter named Billy Bingle. All of his jokes were about the length of his hose. [audience laughter] I'd get on stage looking like a member of weezer. All my jokes were about getting beat up by girls. [audience laughter] It was the craziest thing in the world, but I did it. All I wanted at 22 was to be able to get back that part of me that could act like I was fearless, even while I was terrified. 

 

The next day I get to school and one of my students tells me there's going to be a teacher talent show coming up. [audience chuckles] I'm serious. And without even thinking, I just go, "Yeah, I'll do stand-up comedy in it." I am terrified, but I'm also excited. We're doing transcendentalism in our class. I start standing on top of tables and shouting quotes from Thoreau. And then, I start hiding Walt Whitman poems all over the school, so the students will find them. [audience chuckles]

 

And the night of the teacher talent show comes, and I'm standing backstage, and I'm like, "I think I can do this." And then, I get a phone call from my friend from grad school, and she says she got offered the job. And the voice in my head is just like, "This is the proof I've been looking for. All of my fears about myself are correct. [audience chuckles] I am a failure." [audience w] But then I think, what would a 17-year-old Tim do besides stay at home on a Friday and play Pokémon?” [audience laughter]

 

I get on stage and I start talking about when I was in high school, how I was the kid who had not one, but two T-shirts of the genie from Aladdin [audience chuckles] and how I was also known for my very realistic kitten meow. [audience laughter] I talk about how I'm the epitome of masculinity. And then, I guess I started getting actually fearless, because then I went, "Yeah, I got this teaching job by beating the principal in a street fight." [audience laughter] 

 

And then, I went, "Are you here right now?" [audience laughter] And from the back of the room, I heard, "Standing right here." [audience laughter] And I went, “I'll see you after the show. Because I'm not done with you yet.” As I walk off the stage, the whole auditorium starts chanting, "Manley, Manley, Manley."