James Foster - Taken For A Ride

 

 

Good evening, everyone. Thank you. 

 

My story has to do with a 1996 Grand Marquis Mercury that I picked up from my father when he bought a new car. I got it when my daughter was in high school, so that I could have a second car to get her to and from school. We had a brief relationship. I got this car about five years ago. And it was pretty reliable. But the main part of the story has to do with the time that I got the car stolen, and how I got the car stolen.

 

I live in Detroit. I've been a lifelong Detroit resident. I'm a third generation Detroiter. [audience cheers and applause] I'm not easily bamboozled, I'm not easily scammed. I've seen panhandlers, and people trying to get you at the gas station for a couple of bucks. But this guy was good. [audience laughter] This guy was real good. He got me. I'm loading tools in the car to go over my dad's to do a little work. Guy comes up and says, "Can you help me?" I right away say, "No, no, no. [audience chuckles] No, can't help you." "Sir, I've got a couple bucks. I just need you to give me a ride over to get my car a jump."

 

Now, most of the time, people are trying to scam you. They don't have $2 in their hand offering it to you. So, I listen. He said his van broke down. He's just around the corner on the freeway off the lodge. He just needs a jump. "Give me a couple." I said, "Oh, okay. Maybe this time, I'll do the guy a favor."

 

So, he gets in the car with me, drive around. There's actually a van there. [audience chuckles] So, okay, the stories make a little bit more sense. The hood's up on the van. I say, "Okay, I've got jumper cables." I figure, “30 seconds, I'm going on with my life.” Raised the hood on my car. He gets in the van. He fools around. Nothing's happening with the van, even with the cables on it. So, we're sitting there for a while trying to get the car started. Finally, he says, "You try to start the van. [audience laughter] I'll tinker under the hood while you try to start the van.” Because I know the van, I should be able to start it.

 

I'm a little leery. But the hood's up on my car, it's got jumper cables on it. I figured what could happen. [audience laughter] So, running a lodge service drive, I'm trying to turn the key in the van. As I looked out, it's not really a key. [audience laughter] It's a screwdriver [audience laughter] in the ignition of the van. Yeah, a little suspicious, but-- [audience laughter] He offered me a couple dollars. So, then he gets very concerned. He says, "These people sure are flying up the service drive. Maybe you better pull your car off to the side while we try to figure out what's wrong with the van." 

 

So, he says, "You take the cables off, and I'll move your car." [audience chuckles] Now, the hood's up on the car. [audience laughter] I'm outside the car, I say, "Okay." I take the cables off. I see my car going northbound on the lodge service drive with the hood up. [audience laughter] With the hood up. He makes it all the way to the forest entrance to the lodge freeway, stops, puts the hood down, gone. 

 

Now, the police did recover the car a few weeks later, minus the catalytic converter, [audience reaction] the aluminum wheels, [audience chuckles] even take the visors off to block the sun. But I got the last laugh, thanks to President Obama and cash for clunkers. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I traded it in, got the $4,500, and got a new car. So, it all worked out.