Cal Wilson - Swimmingly

 

By the time I had my first swimming lesson at the age of five, I was already terrified of the water. I don't really remember how it started. I think I was held under the water by an older kid. All I remember is always feeling the panic and the terror and water being forced up my nose and I just hated the water. But I eventually learned to swim at the age of 43 [audience chuckles]. So, 38 years in between, it makes me sound like a slow learner, but I spent those years just avoiding the water because I just hated it. I would make up any excuse. I didn't like the beach because the sand would get on my book. But really, I was just scared of the water.

 

And we had school sports at high school and everyone had to go in the swimming and everyone else swam a length but they made me and three other losers swim a width [audience chuckles] and I got two strokes in and I stopped and I ran the rest of the way [audience chuckles] and I still got last. So, I've always been scared of the water. And then when my son was born six years ago. The thing-- by the time he was born, I was used to it being a part of my identity as an adult who can't swim. And it became like a mildly interesting fact to start a conversation at parties. Like as an adult, if you go, "I can't swim," everyone's immediately like, "Really? How come? Why not?" And they start interrogating you as if you've made it up. [audience chuckles] 

 

But the thing is, if I was going to invent something about myself, I would make it more interesting than not being able to swim. [audience chuckles] I would have said something like, "I'm really good at archery, I'm a magnificent archer." Or I would have said, "Oh, my father was partially eaten by a bear." [audience awe] I would have said something better than I just can't swim. So, when my son was born, I didn't want him to have the same fate as me. And so, I made sure that we started swimming lessons with him when he was tiny. He was seven months old. And when they're that age, you have to go in the water with them. But it was okay because it was only waist deep, I didn't have to put my face in.

 

And at that stage, when you are swimming with a baby, all you're basically doing is you're just swishing them around. It's like you're washing a marrow. [audience chuckles] Nothing very much happens in the swimming lesson. And then they get a bit older and they start to do more stuff like crawl off a mat into the water and you catch them. And I dropped mine, [audience laughter] I caught him again. I got him out of the water. I was panicking and I kind of fished him out of the water. And he came up with a smile on his face like he was Esther Williams at a water ballet. [audience chuckles] He just-- I was like, “We are not the same person.” And he's loved swimming ever since.

 

Last year when he turned five, I had this revelation that he loves swimming so much, he loves the water so much that I am going to be spending a lot of my time with him in the water. And I was like--, as his parent, I should be able to enjoy that and I should also be able to rescue him if something goes wrong and I should be able to swim.  Also, the secondary reason was I can't let my 5-year-old beat me. [audience laughter] So I started having swimming lessons last year at the same swimming school as my son, which was a very leveling experience. We weren't in the same class, obviously, because that would be weird, but were in the next lane to each other.

 

It is a weird thing [audience chuckles] to look around a pool that is full of swimming lessons, and realize that there are 50 people in that pool and you are the only person who is older than five. [audience chuckles] And you also think, “Don't think about what's gone in the water.” [audience chuckles] The first swimming lesson I had, I was terrified. And it sounds so stupid, but I was terrified. And the teacher went, "It's okay. All I want you to do is put your face in the water and breathe out." And I was like, “That is the worst thing you could ask me to do.” And so, I put my face in the water, and I freaked out. And I stood up again, and she went, "I know what your problem is. You've got to breathe air out your nose." And I went, “What are you talking about?”

 

It was a revelation to me. I had no idea. I had no idea you were supposed to blow air out your nose when you swam. I just thought you guys were better at dealing with the horrible torment of having water forced up your nose. [audience chuckles] I thought everyone just dealt with it and was like, "It feels like shit. But I'm fine. I'm fine." [audience laughter] And so, she cured me. She cured my breathing. It was amazing. The first swimming lesson, I did like five meters with a kickboard breathing, and I felt like Ian Thorpe. [audience chuckles] I was like--, obviously an Ian Thorpe with lowered expectations, but an Ian Thorpe, right? And I was like, “That's it. I'm cured. I can swim. I can totally do it.” And I went back to the next lesson thinking that I was not afraid of water anymore.

 

But this thing happens when you've been afraid of something for so long, even though intellectually, you know you don't have to be frightened of it anymore, your hind brain doesn't believe you. And so I went back to the second lesson. I put my face in the water going, "It's okay. I breathe out air through my nose. It's okay." But my hind brain was going, "No, the wetness kills us. Game over, man. Game over." And it took me weeks to get over the fear of putting my face in the water. But gradually, I got better and better, and I learned how to swim. And I stopped using a kickboard. And then finally, finally at the end of the term, six months after I started, because I didn't want to rush it because it had been 38 years. So, I don't pick it up quickly. [audience chuckles] 

 

At the end of six months I swam my first 25-meter length and I got to the end of the pool and I was so euphoric and my little boy was at the end of the pool and I went, "Mummy just swam my first length," and my son went, "Good job mummy, go and do another one." [audience laughter] And I had this revelation that I've done a whole lot of things for the first time. I've swum my first length, I've gone to a pool on purpose for pleasure with my husband and I've swam so much, I got sick from lactic acid and I was sick in the car park and it was amazing. [audience chuckles]

 

The only side effect is that now that I can swim. I've got to tell everyone about it really quickly because at the moment I'm still a 44-year-old woman who's just learned to swim. But in six months’ time I will just be a 44-year-old woman who can swim. And that's every 44-year-old woman. [audience laughter] And so I'm going to have to come up with a new story at parties that makes me mildly interesting. So, I'm going to go with being a magnificent archer. [audience laughter] Thank you.