Steve Zimmer - Stars, Rockets, and Moons

 

1969, first grade, room six. In honor of the space program, our child-hating teacher, Ms. Ross [audience chuckles] divides the class into three groups based on ability: Stars, rockets, and moons. [audience chuckles] Even though I'm a moon, I quickly deduce which is the dumb group. [audience laughter] But for added clarity, they give our classes different names. Stars and rockets have math, we have numerics. [audience laughter] And even among the moons, I'm a bad moon. [audience chuckles] My report card says that I don't apply myself as a student, but it also questions my potential in case I do try. [audience laughter] Now, my mom and dad don't apply themselves as parents, but even if they did, there is no way they could know I have severe ADD because it doesn't exist yet. [audience laughter] Especially the quiet kind.

 

Now, one morning in class, I noticed that all the other students each have five different species of leaves. I assume it's a coincidence, [audience chuckles] but then I look up at the nearest star, Cathy Wilt, and see her yellow folder with a smiling leaf and the words ‘Leaf Day’. And I'm like, [makes a huffing sound]. [audience laughter] I don't know it yet, but this moment will repeat itself in various forms throughout my life. [laughter and applause] So, I get bathroom permission and go outside to pick leaves, which turns out to be really interesting. I could sit there for hours, but there is two things I don't know. One, I'm picking leaves right outside our classroom window. [audience laughter] And two, Ms. Ross has been building a case to get me transferred to Rugen Elementary for their special ed program. [audience aww] So, on the way back to class, I stop off in the bathroom. Very important, because I'd ask permission, so I have to go. Otherwise, I'm a liar. [audience chuckles] 

 

So, I put my leaves under the bathroom garbage can to smooth them out and I've got the bathroom all to myself. So, I get a stool and I put liquid soap on paper towels and soak them in water. And that is how I make my own moist towelettes. [audience chuckles] But my work gets interrupted by the appearance of a group of fourth-grade raptors. [audience chuckles] So, I grab all my stuff and zip back to class. Back in room five, Ms. Ross casually inquires as to what I've been doing with myself for the last hour. [audience laughter] And I say I was in the bathroom. And she says, “Were you outside?” And I don't want to answer her, but I know from TV, it's worse if you run. [audience laughter] So, she's like, “I saw you outside.” And so, I'm like, “Yeah, but I went to the bathroom too.” [audience chuckles] And she says, “Do you know what deception is?” And I'm like, “No.” Which is true, I don't. Hello, I'm a moon. [audience laughter] And so, Ms. Ross then makes me empty my conspicuously stuffed pockets and I hand over several plastic baggies of moist towelettes, but no leaves because I forgot them in the bathroom. [audience chuckles] So, I'm clean except for deception. [audience chuckles] 

 

Nonetheless, Ms. Ross sends me to the principal's office where I have like an endowed chair. [audience chuckles] But I actually like it there with the compassionate secretary and the Highlights magazines and most importantly, the quiet. I'm intimidated by the other kids and how wild they are. And that is the weird thing. Ms. Ross sees it like she's order and I'm chaos. But I'm actually like her. I try hard to follow the rules and I stress out if the other kids don't follow the rules. In fact, I still do. [audience chuckles] So, eventually an eighth-grade lunch girl comes and takes me back to class. But on the way back, she lets me stop in the bathroom where I'm able to sneak out my leaves. So, back in class, Ms. Ross is collecting her leaf packets.

 

So, I fold my leaves into a piece of notebook paper and draw a picture of a smiling-leaf Amoeba in front. [audience chuckles] Not, not great, but I figure I should at least beat this one kid who I'm pretty sure got all his leaves from the same tree. [audience chuckles] And he's a rocket. So, I assume Ms. Ross will accept my assignment because I'd met the rules and I don't know at this point how people really are. You know, it never occurs to me that she might flunk me just because I deserve it in the big picture or because I must have cheated somewhere or because of towelettes. [audience chuckles]

 

The next day we get back our papers, our packets. Mine has a big red C-minus. It's my best grade of the year [audience chuckles] and it revs me up to excel in school, which I don't but I do well enough to pass two of the disruptive kids and avoid Rugen Elementary. In 1969, you checked into special ed, but you didn't check out, [audience chuckles] especially if you were already prone to downward spirals. And if Ms. Ross hadn't respected the rules, I might not have finished high school, I probably wouldn't have finished college, and I definitely would not have gotten a PhD in Math or-- [cheers and applause] or as some of us call it, numerics.