Daniel Judson - Speeding to Bible Study

 

 

 

I was really, really late, and I was driving like a maniac. I was late for Bible study. Actually, it sounds a little weird to say. I'm a rabbi. I'd been a rabbi for about three weeks. This was about 15 years ago. So, I look like I'm 20 now. I look like I was 10 then. [audience laughter] I've been a rabbi for about three weeks, and this was the Sabbath of the Saturday before the most important holiday of the Jewish year. I'm driving way too fast which I got police come, they pull me over about a mile from my synagogue.

 

Policeman comes out and I say, thinking that this might be of some help and maybe I can slide my way out of this, I say, "I'm the rabbi of the synagogue about a mile up the road, and I'm going to Bible study." [audience chuckles] Policeman says, "Looks like rabbis can speed, can't they? [audience laughter] License and registration, please." I actually don't carry my wallet on Saturday. It's a long story. We can skip it. But I say, "I don't carry my wallet. I don't have my license. Sorry about-- so religious, sorry. " And he says, "Oh, looks like rabbis can speed and think they don't have to carry wallets on Saturdays." [audience laughter] 

 

Goes back to his car. He does that thing that policemen do. He comes back, he says, "Sir, get out of the car, I'm going to have to impound this vehicle." I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "You have to get out of the car. I'm going to impound this vehicle." Something about I hadn't changed over plates. So, I said what I think any man of the cloth would say at that particular moment, "What the fuck?" [audience laughter] And he says to me, "And you're a rabbi." [audience laughter]

 

There's actually another. The good cop says, "Look, you pay $100 or something-- Pay $100, and you can drop the car off at your synagogue." And I said, "I don't have any money." He says, "Well, look, we'll take you to-- So, they take me to this synagogue that I'm the rabbi of, and I'm in the backseat of a police car, having been there for three weeks. [audience laughter] And someone told me later that [unintelligible 00:15:03] William Goldberg, 85 years old, who would come to my Bible study every day for 10 years, she'd come, she looked out the window, she said, "Oh, look, there's that nice new rabbi coming in the back of a police car. [audience laughter] I hope it's not drugs or sex." [audience laughter] I collect the money, I pay, my car--

 

Next day, I'm in my office, knock on the door, synagogue lawyer comes in. "Fight it, rabbi, fight it. Just say you didn't know what you were doing, say the policeman didn't know it. Just fight it. They won't press charges." "No, I was speeding. I really was." He walks away. [unintelligible 00:15:43] Goldberg walks into my office. "Rabbi, here's what I'm saying to you. You were wearing a collar. This town, that wouldn't have happened. You know what I'm saying, rabbi?" [audience laughter] I said, "Really? No, I was speeding. It's okay. I was speeding." 

 

Phone call, Father Jacobs, the Episcopal priest. "Dan, I'm upset about this. This should not have happened." "So, really, I was speeding." So, wow. I'm on the phone three days later with my mother, actually, who says, "Honey, the holidays are coming. I just want to make sure you're going somewhere for that." I said, "Mom, I became a rabbi. You're calling me to see if I'm going to synagogue on my holidays." I said, "No. We had this conversation. I'm going to be a rabbi." You said, "Lawyer." I said, "Rabbi." You said, "Lawyer." I said, "Rabbi." You said, "What will the weekly bridge club think?" I said, "I could care less what the weekly bridge club thinks." And she said, "Of course. Well, at least the weekly bridge club calls me every week." [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

Phone call waiting. I said, "Mom, hold on. “Rabbi Judson, this is Sergeant Berkowitz of the Canton Police Department." He says, "We need to talk to you." So, I put him on call waiting and I go back to my mother and I say to her what every Jewish mother wants to hear. "Mom, I got to go. It's the police. They're calling me in to talk about something." [audience laughter] Sergeant Berkowitz. 

 

Now, I'm imagining the lineup, the police roll call that morning at the Canton Police Department, which is an Irish town, imagining them running through the roll call of who's going to call the rabbi this morning. Sergeant Callahan says, "I'm not doing it." O'Brien says, "I'm not doing it." "Berkowitz. Berkowitz, probably, maybe Berkowitz." [audience laughter] So, I go down to the police station. Sergeant Berkowitz is there, says, "Let's get rid of this ticket." I say, "No, I was really speeding." He says, "Father Jacobs called me. This woman who's a nut called me. [audience laughter] Some lawyer called me. Just rip it. It's okay. It's okay."

 

Seven years later, I'm on the same strip. I'm late again. [audience chuckles] Policeman pulls me over, rolls down the window, asks me for my license and registration. I start to say, "I don't have it again." And he says, "Aren't you that rabbi?" [audience laughter] He says, "My buddy pulled you over that day. He was being a jerk. You just go ahead and have a good night." [audience laughter] I said, "Really?" He said, "God works in strange ways."