Carol Leifer - Signature Scent

 

It's 1996. Go back with me. I'm 40, I'm divorced, I'm single, I'm straight, [audience laughter] but I have this intense hankering to have an affair with a woman. I go to this charity event, and I meet this very interesting and gorgeous gal named Lori, who spells it with an I at the end. We spend a good deal of the night talking. She asked me out on a date the following week to another charity event. I don't know what it is with charity events and lesbian hookups, [audience laughter] but there's some energy out there. 

 

So, a week later she takes me to the Beverly Wilshire for this other charity event. And I am nervous. I mean, this is my first date ever with a woman. There's a silent auction at this charity event, but that's good because it gives us an excuse to lean in close to each other as we lean down and look at these tables with the bid sheets on it. As we're gasping at a sheet, looking at how much people would plunk down for a Four Seasons trip to Hawaii and our mouths were wide open, Lori turns to me and she says, "Wow, you smell amazing. What is that?" Yes. Score. [audience chuckles] 

 

This is important. You know when I'm talking about people, pheromones. Very important in the whole romantic dance. Apparently, it was working. I felt so good. I had just bought this perfume pretty recently. It's called Sung by this designer named Alfred Sung, who, honestly, I've never heard of. [audience chuckles] But I have to be honest.

 

Once Lori told me that she loved this perfume, that was it for me. I felt like, I'm going to be using this perfume for the rest of my life. Forever. It was done, sealed, deal. So, the only thing is, I get attached to things. There's a good aspect to this, but there's also a not so good aspect to this, because I hold on to things a little too tightly. You know what I mean? But look what happens. Lo and behold, my lesbian fling becomes a real thing. We fall in love. We actually move in together. She makes me a better person. She reconnects me to my faith. We get bat mitzvahed together in our 40s. [audience laughter] She turns me into animal lover. I'd never had a pet of any kind growing up. Here we are, these maniacs adopting all kinds of dogs and cats.

 

We see what a mitzvah it is adopting these animals. We make the next logical step, and actually adopt a child together, a son. And then, [chuckles] after 19 years together, we make the decision this year, this December, to finally get married. [audience aww] [audience applause and cheer] 

 

And all the while, this relationship is going on, there is my Sung perfume. [audience chuckles] [sniffs] It is the foundation of me. The basis of the whole relationship rides on this Sung perfume. [audience chuckles] So, last February, as I'm getting the last few spritzes out of my bottle of perfume, looks like I need some more. So, that exacts a trip to the outlet malls, which, of course, I love. I mean, who doesn't love going to the outlet malls? You feel so noble, don't you? [chuckles] Like, I'm not shopping, I'm saving money, okay? [audience chuckles] 

 

So, we head to the Camarillo Premium Outlets as opposed to all the other outlets. And we go. So, we split up. I, of course, head to my normal perfume outlet. I go into the perfume place, I ask the lady for my regular two bottles of Sung, and suddenly I'm greeted by, "Oh, we don't have any more Sung." "Oh really?" "Yeah, they discontinued it." "What?" I find myself in a bit of a panic. I find myself babbling dumb questions, "Oh, did they give any reason?" [audience laughter] Like, Alfred Sung was going to send a note along, "I'm through with the fragrance part of my life. I really want to concentrate on my tennis now." [audience laughter]

 

I'm in a panic. I go, "All right, well, I'll take whatever you have left." She goes, "No, no, I'm really sorry, but a woman came in about 10 minutes ago and asked for the same product, Sung, and she bought up my entire stock." So, now, my grief is also stoked by this competitive spirit. [audience laughter] Someone else out there. So, I was in a panic. I go to look for Lori. First, I went to Brooks Brothers, no sign of her. [chuckles] I go to the Adidas store, I finally find her. She's buying yet another pair of their patented three stripe sweatpants, which are very good for traveling, I might add. 

 

"Lori," I say a little too loudly, "They're out of Sung. They're not making it anymore. And there's some bitch out there buying up the whole stock [audience laughter] in this outlet mall behind me." Well, Lori springs into action. This is one of the things I love about her the most. To my panic, she's the calm. She whips out that iPhone, she checks it out, she’s like, "All right, there are two more perfume outlet places at Camarillo here, and we're going for broke." 

 

So, we hit the first place. It's fantastic. They have 13 bottles. I say, "Wrap them up. [audience laughter] 13 bottles, fantastic." Lori locates the other perfume store on the other side of Camarillo Premium Outlets. You got to cross the 101 to get there, so we go over there. [audience laughter] I walk in, I tell the woman I want the Sung. She has seven bottles. I have 20 bottles now. This is fantastic. "Oh my God, I scored." 

 

We're in the car, driving back home to LA. And I start to do the calculation. You know what I mean? I started thinking, all right, well, I have 20 bottles, I turn 59 next month, [audience laughter] I think these bottles are going to take me till about 70. [audience laughter] Yeah, 70, that's pretty good." And I felt 70 was a good place to stop. Yes. Okay, good. 

 

We go home. Lori goes inside the kitchen to start making dinner, and I head to the garage, because there's no room in the house for 20 clinking bottles of perfume. And that's when it started to get a little dark. When you go to your garage, it's the sad spot of the house, isn't it? You're faced with all your failure. There's the fondue pot. [audience laughter] The step aerobics set from 1980 that you never use. The dogs playing poker, that painting that never gets hung up in the house. 

 

I just started to feel sad, because trying to find the bins where to put the perfume, it just all started to get very bad. I started to feel sad about the calculation, because I was thinking, why did I just calculate to 70? Like, screw 71. Who cares? Who cares what I look like, or who cares who I am at 71? It made me think, why is there such little love for our older selves? 

 

I remember when I was a little girl, I was born in 1956, thinking as a little girl in 2000, what, I'll be 44. It was always such a bad image of me that I thought, oh, 44, I guess I'll be old and fat and nobody will care about me and I'll be ugly. It was all so negative. And it made me think, why did I stop at 70? Why is there no love for the 71-year-old self? I think back to 44 now, and I had a great time at 44. What I wouldn't give to be 44 again? It just started to make me sad, holding on so tight to all this perfume. [audience laughter] 

 

So, from the garage, I walked into the kitchen, which adjoins the garage, and Lori was making dinner, and she was making pizza. She was making pizza the way she normally makes pizza, half cheese for herself and half garlic for me. And Lori hates garlic. She literally puts up with two days, because that's pretty much how long it takes to go through your system, two days of me smelling like a garlic mess just because she knows I love garlic. And it really made me think like, did I really think if I don't smell the same way every day to her, it's going to throw the whole juju of this 19-year relationship off? [audience chuckles] 

 

And it made me think that she didn't join this perfume caper, because she wanted me to smell the same. She did it, because she likes to make me happy. She loves me. She's so game. That's what I love about her so much. She's really the Ethel to my Lucy, the Laverne to my Shirley in so many ways. And it made me think, change is good. I mean, I don't think I would have even met her if I didn't embrace change at 40 to say to myself, this thing with men is not working. [audience laughter] I need to find something else. And it really brought me to the love of my life. 

 

We have this funny thing when that song comes on by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross, Endless Love. I always sing the lyrics to her, because I feel it's our story. She really is my first love, with a woman, and really my endless love. Cue the song. [laughs] So, yes, I did it. I decided to donate all the bottles of perfume to the Gay and Lesbian Elder Housing Facility in Hollywood. [audience laughter] [audience applause]

 

Yes, where senior love will, I hope, no doubt bloom for the 70-year-olds, for the 75-year-olds, for the 80 and beyond. The fat lady has finally Sung. I'm sure you'll find me trolling the aisles of every Sephora now, sampling anything and everything. And who knows, maybe at our wedding in December, the rabbi will just have pronounced us wife and wife. We'll turn to each other. Lori will lean into me for a kiss and say, "Wow, you smell amazing. [audience chuckles] What is that?"