Daniel Heuman - Shall We Dance!

 

So, I'm 20 and I have never so much as kissed a girl. And people ask me how that's even possible. The easy answer I give them, is that I went to an all-boys school. But the truth is that I'm just really awkward. I'm a nerd, I do not understand flirting. Really my only frame of reference for how to talk to girls are movies. I can remember this one time I went to the park with this friend that I really liked, and I remember stopping in the park to explain to her each of the detailed reasons why we should be more than friends. [audience laughter] In my mind, this is the scene from Chasing Amy, where Ben Affleck stops the car to declare his love for Amy. It doesn't go like the movie. [audience laughter] 

 

She has no idea that I like her, and I have no idea that relationships don't start by copying Ben Affleck. [audience laughter] That's when I see the movie Swingers. [audience laughter] If you haven't seen it, Swingers is one of those 90s films that makes no sense at all in our era of smartphones. [audience laughter] It's mostly a bunch of guys hanging out in bars in LA trying to pick up women in an era before they could swipe right. The hero is supremely awkward. Every time he talks to girls, he makes a complete mess of things. That is until he goes swing dancing. Heather Graham comes up to him and breathily says, “Will you dance with me?” They hit the floor, he twirls her around, she is enchanted, and she gives him her phone number. To me, it's magic. I decide I want to do that, [audience laughter] so I sign up for swing dance classes. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

It turns out that watching a movie doesn't make me a good swing dancer. [audience laughter] They teach us like the basic step of swing dancing. It's called a triple step. It's supposed to be three steps in two beats. So, one and two, step, step, step. But in addition to being really awkward, I do not understand rhythm. [audience laughter] And being the logical mathematical nerd that I am, I feel that three steps should be three beats. [audience laughter] So, I dance. One, two, three, step, step, step. The music comes on, I am off rhythm, I am out of sync, and I am a nightmare for anyone who has to dance with me. But I still think I can be one of the guys from Swingers. [audience laughter]

 

So, I'm having lunch one day, and I see one of the girls in the dance class. I figure, “This is my chance.” I go up to her and I say hello and then instead of asking for a date, I completely chicken out and I suggest that we meet for a dance practice, and she says no. It's just all too much. It's too many rejections. These are just the start. With each time, my insecurity grows and grows, and I figure there's something wrong with me and I just can't do it anymore, and I stop and no more this trying to meet anyone. So, I give up trying to be one of the guys from Swingers, but I still keep going to the dance classes. 

 

Okay, I'm a terrible dancer, but I am learning some other things. As you know, I get the triple steps, I learn to do actual rhythm, and at the same time, I learn to introduce myself to people. By the time I'm on spins and turns, I'm making new friends. By the time I graduate from the classes to going to an actual social dance, I have more confidence. I mean, I am still awkward as hell, but maybe a little less awkward. So, I'm at a social dance, and this girl goes by in an amazing vintage dress, and I ask her to dance with me, and she says yes. And I ask her to dance another song, and she says yes. 

 

We get to talking, and the conversation just flows. It could be something from a really stupid romantic comedy, but I am this time not following a script. So, I ask if I can buy her a drink. She says that she doesn't drink. My face just drops. [audience laughter] But then, she realizes what I meant, and she asks for a Diet Coke. Before the night is over, she gives me her phone number. What happens next isn't just that first kiss, it's first love, and it beats the hell out of anything I'd seen in Swingers.