Bernie Somers - Saving Myself for New Years

 

 

So, I met this girl and I really liked her. [chuckles] She was kind of a nerd, but nice. Like a nice, nerdy little girl. I asked her on a date. On our first date, we had a wonderful time, but I didn't kiss her. I didn't even try to kiss her because on the first day I just like to talk and listen and get to know the person. And then I asked her on a second date. Now, the second date is when I usually go in for the kill [audience laughter] and I will attempt to kiss goodnight. But on our second date, I took her to this Italian restaurant and whatever I had, had so much onion and garlic in it that a Tic Tac would have just suffocated in my mouth. [audience chuckles] So, I just, I didn't kiss her goodnight. I just sort of hugged her goodnight.

 

And then I asked her on the third date and I thought, “I got to kiss her tonight. I mean, if I don't kiss her tonight, she's going to think I'm the shy, insecure coward”, which I am. [audience chuckles] But I don't want her to know that. So, on our third date, I took her to this jazz club. And this jazz club was like this dark, intimate club. And it was a couple days after Christmas with these pretty Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling, and her and I were sharing this cozy booth and it was just perfect moment to share our first kiss. It was very romantic. In fact, the piano player at the bar was singing the song Isn't It Romantic? He was like, "Isn't it romantic, to be young on a night like this? Isn't it romantic? If you know this song is like a lover's kiss, [audience chuckles] sweet symbols in the moonlight. [audience laughter] Do you think that I might fall in love perchance? Isn't it romantic?" [cheers and applause] So, the moment was screaming, “Kiss her.” [audience chuckles]

 

And then she told me about this New Year's Eve party she was going to. And wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. And I said, "Yes, sure." And then I thought, “It'd be kind of cool if our first kiss was our New Year's Eve kiss. It would be very symbolic being beginning of a new year, beginning of a new relationship.” So, at that moment in my mind, I decided that was when I was going to kiss her. The stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, which meant I couldn't kiss her tonight. Because if I kissed her tonight, then our New Year's Eve kiss would be our second kiss. And that's just lame. [audience chuckles] But here's the thing. This nerd wanted me to kiss her tonight. She had her hand on my thigh. She's got her face close to mine. She's looking into my eyes. I mean, she's doing everything but saying, "Kiss me, stupid." But I can’t, I'm saving myself for New Year's. [audience laughter]

 

So, New Year's Eve comes, New Year's Eve Day. And I'm getting ready for the party. I'm in the bathroom, really excited. I'm shaving and brushing and flossing. [audience chuckles] And all day long that song is ringing through my head. "Isn't it romantic to be young on a night like this?" And it's like the song is telling my brain, “Don't blow it, Bernie, kiss her tonight.” So, we're at the New Year's Eve party, and we're in this very crowded loft, sipping champagne, talking and laughing. And I look at my watch, like 10 minutes to midnight. So, I decided to go to the bathroom because I remember I saw a bottle of mouthwash in there. So, I thought, I'll gargle. So, when I kiss her at midnight, I'll have minty fresh breath. [audience chuckles] So, I go in the bathroom, I gargle, and I wash my hands and comb my hair, step out of the bathroom, and I see that the number of people at the party is like doubled. Before, it was packed, but now it's like jam-packed. You can't even move a muscle. And I look at my watch, and it's five minutes to midnight.

 

And I'm trying to get to her, but I don't even see her. And then before you know it, I hear 10, 9, 8. [audience awe] And I'm, like, squeezing through the party, trying to find her. Seven, six, five. And then I see her. She's in the corner, but I can't reach her, because there's just too many people between us. Three, two, one. Happy New Year. And everyone is kissing someone. And I see her there in the corner all alone, [audience reaction] looking sad and nerdy. [audience laughter] And by the time I reach her, it's like 20 minutes after midnight. [audience chuckles] And before I could say anything, she says, "Bernie, I'm leaving." She grabbed her coat and she leaves the party. And she's obviously very angry at me. I don't blame her. It's like our fourth date. I haven't kissed her. I leave her alone on New Year's Eve.

 

So, I chase after. And we're outside, and I kind of grab her by the arm and say, "No, wait." She said, "No, Bernie, I'm sensing you're not all that into me, so I'm just going to go home." I said, "Let me explain. [audience chuckles] I didn't kiss on the first date because I just don't kiss on the first date. I didn't kiss her on the second day because I had really bad onion and a garlic breath. And I think it was on the third date because I thought it'd better because on the fourth date, New Year's Eve tonight. But I couldn't reach it tonight because there were too many people at the party. I couldn't reach you, and I'm really sorry." audience laughter]

 

And then she gave me this look, it's just hard to read, because sometimes a woman will look at you and you have no idea what they're thinking. [audience laughter] And then she said, "Goodbye, Bernie," and she walked away. [audience reaction] So, New Year's Day came, and I'm just feeling very lonely and depressed. It was a terrible way to bring in the New Year. Later that night, I'm lying in bed sleeping, and there's this knock at the door. And I'm thinking, who's knocking on my door in the middle of the night? So I go to answer, and it's her. I say, "What are you doing here?" She says, "Let me in." I said, "What?" She says, "Hurry up, let me in." So, she comes in. I said, "What's going on? It's past midnight."

 

She says, "Well, actually, it's 11:58, so you have two minutes till you kiss me." [audience awe] I said, "What?" She goes, "Well, I know you want to kiss me on a stroke at midnight New Year's Eve. But you know what, Bernie? Everybody kisses on the stroke of midnight New Year's Eve. We're going to be original. We're going to kiss on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day." I said, "Okay." And she said, "Do you have champagne?" And I said, "I have Snapple." [audience laughter] And she said, "Get it, but hurry up. It's 11:59." So, I'm running the kitchen, I'm getting the Snapple, and the song's rushing through my head. Isn't it romantic, to be young on a night like this. [audience laughter] And she yells in the living room, "Do you have champagne glasses?" And I said, "I have Batman and Robin coffee mugs." [audience laughter] 

 

"You only have 20 seconds." Isn't it romantic? It'd be nice to let lovers kiss. I run into the living room with a coffee mug. Sweet symbols of the moonlight. Do you think we might fall in love perchance? We're sitting on the couch together with a Batman and Robin coffee mugs with the Snapple. And she's looking at the watches, doing the countdown. Three, two, one. And we lock eyes. And I say to her [audience laughter] "You are the coolest girl I have ever met in my entire life." [audience awe] And she said, "Shut up and kiss me." Isn't it romantic?