Catherine Smyka - Same Taste in Women

 

So, I never intended to develop feelings for my friend Scott. It's not because Scott is not a really wonderful guy, but because I'm gay and I don't like guys. [audience laughter] He and I met through a friend right after I moved to Seattle, and he actually asked me out. I remember telling him, “You're awesome, but I like women.” And he was like, “Hey, you're also awesome, and I also like women.” And I was like, “That's so perfect. Let's be friends.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, Scott and I worked at the same theater for a little bit, and we realized pretty quickly we have almost identical taste in ladies. So, it became this really funny running joke between us where we'd usually see the same woman at the same time in the lobby and try to figure out from afar who got to ask her out. Because if we figured out that she was probably gay, then she was mine. And if she was straight, she was Scott's. 

 

And then, we were out at a bar the first time, we couldn't quite determine if this really beautiful woman was gay or straight. And so, Scott had said, “Catherine, I have this incredible vision of us walking up to either side of her and saying, ‘One of us would like to buy you a drink.’” [audience laughter] We hung out all the time. We both loved good food, action movies, going running, playing Scrabble and talking about feelings. We talked about feelings all the time. [chuckles] 

 

We both run into some pretty crummy dating luck in the past. We started talking about what our ideal partner would be like, and I had told him like, “Dude, you are so smart and funny and reliable, and you're a grown up. I just need to find the female version of you.” He's sitting right there. [audience laughter] But then, sometime over the summer, things began to feel a little bit different. He'd walk into my apartment and I'd think, that's a really attractive shirt you're wearing. Or, he would play me this new song on his guitar, and I'd think, I want to make out with you right now. [audience laughter] And I'd be like, “What?” 

 

This terrifying feeling. It was nice, but mostly terrifying, because it had taken me years to become the token lesbian in all of my circles of friends, and I was not about to give that up to be with a guy, even a guy that was really incredible like Scott. It was this very strange feeling, like, I didn't know who I was for a little bit, because it wasn't like I was sitting around thinking that I'd gotten my sexual identity wrong. Like, joke's on you, you do like men, because it wasn't actually a question of liking men or women or both. It wasn't even a question of liking women or Scott. It was the realization that I thought I liked women and Scott and scared the shit out of me. 

 

So, I didn't tell anybody. Didn't talk about it. Certainly, didn't tell him. The first time I said it out loud, I was hanging out with my sister and I was like, “Yeah, so, Scott and I. What would you say if we were together?” She was like, “Isn't he a dude?” [audience laughter] And I was like, “Yeah. You know what? Never mind. Forget it.” The only other time I brought it up was it was at a girls’ night and very casually slipped into a conversation we were having and then nobody thought it was weird. 

 

My friend, Katherine, had said, “So, just sleep with him and see what happens.” I was like, “No, that sounds gross.” And she was like, “Well, maybe that's your answer.” [audience laughter] It seems pretty obvious. But someone else had said, “Look, you're never going to know unless you try new things. What's the harm in trying?” 

 

So, one night, I was getting ready to go to his apartment, and I thought, yeah, I am. I'm telling him how I feel. We're going to take the plunge. It's going to be great. I started walking to his apartment and I got really excited. I was thinking about all of the awesome movie dates we'd go on and the dinners we'd make each other and the adventures we'd have. We could be each other's plus ones at weddings. We could do all kinds of coupley stuff. I got so excited, I started to run. 

 

So, I'm running up Pine into Capitol Hill, and I'm passing all of these couples who are out walking their dogs with these great arm tattoos and I was like, “Yeah, we're going to get dogs and take walks and get more arm tattoos. It's like the best idea I've ever had.” [audience laughter] I turn the corner at his apartment. I go running up the steps and I ring the bell and I'm out of breath and I was like, “Yeah, we're going to be together. It's going to be great.” And then, he answered the door. 

 

All of those feelings just rushed right out of me. Because here he was, he's my best friend in the city, standing there with a spatula in one hand and a James Bond movie in the other. And very quickly thought about all of the, awesome movie dates we'd gone on, and the dinners we'd already made each other and the adventures we'd had in the last couple of months. I realized we don't have to be a couple to do coupley stuff. We're already doing coupley stuff, just about the complicated parts, like having sex or arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes. We had a really great thing going. It didn't need to be a romantic thing, because it was even better than that. It was this blood brothers type thing, this family type thing and I wouldn't trade that for anything. 

 

Later that night, we ended up talking about us. It turns out he'd had the same thought process as I did, that he thought about us together and then realized it was a bad idea, because it was just really great the way it was. So, we sat at his kitchen table eating tofu and gearing up for an Indiana Jones marathon and talking about feelings. We were both like, “We really are meant to be together.” I never intended to develop feelings for him the same way he never intended to find somebody who liked Sean Connery as much as he did. We never intended to become family, but sometimes the best kinds of intentions are formed from the strongest kinds of love. Thank you.