Andrew Solomon - Notes on an Exorcism

 

So, I'm not depressed now, [audience laughter] but I was depressed for a long time, and I wrote about being depressed. I lived for a long time with blinding depression, and had long stretches when everything seemed hopeless and pointless, when returning calls from friends seemed like more than I could do, when getting up and going out into the world seemed painful, when I was completely crippled with anxiety. When I finally got better and started writing about the process of recovery, I became very interested in all of the different kinds of treatment that there were for depression.

 

And having started as a medical conservative, thinking that there were only a couple of things that worked, medication and certain talking therapies, and that that was really it, I very gradually began to change my mind. Because I realized that if you have brain cancer and you decide that standing on your head and gargling for half an hour every day makes you feel better, it may make you feel better, but the likelihood is that you still have brain cancer and you're still going to die from it. But if you have depression and you say that standing on your head and gargling for half an hour makes you feel better, then you are actually cured, [audience laughter] because depression is an illness of how you feel. And if you feel really great after you do that, then you're not depressed anymore.

 

So, I began to think all kinds of things could work. I researched everything, ranging from experimental brain surgeries to hypnotic regimens of various kinds. I had people writing to me, because I had been publishing on this subject. There was one woman who wrote to me, and she said that she had tried, actually, electroshock treatments and a variety of other approaches to depression, medication and therapy. She had finally found the thing that worked for her, and she wanted me to tell the world about it and that was making little things from yarn, [audience laughter] some of which she sent me, [audience laughter] and none of which I'm wearing right now.

 

But in any event, I had that rich engagement. I also became interested, as I was doing this work, in the idea that depression existed not only in the civilized West, as people tended to perceive it to exist, but actually across cultures and had existed across time. So, when one of my dearest friends, my friend David Hecht, who was living for a little while in Senegal, said to me, "Do you know about the tribal rituals that are used for the treatment of depression here?" I said, "No. I don't know about them, but I would like to know about them." And he said, "Well, if you come for a visit, we could try to do some research on this topic." 

 

And so, I set off for Senegal, and I met David and I was introduced to David's then-girlfriend, now ex-wife, Helene. [audience laughter] It turned out that Helene had a cousin whose mother was a friend of someone who went to school with the daughter of a person who actually practiced the undop, and that I could therefore go and interview this woman who had practiced the undop. And so, we went off to a small town about two hours outside of Dakar, and I was introduced to this extraordinary old, large woman wrapped in miles and miles of African fabric printed with figures of eyes. 

 

She was Madame Diouf. We did an interview for about an hour, and she told me all about the undop. At the end of it, feeling rather daring, I said, "Listen," I said, "I hope, I don't know whether this is something you would even consider," I said, "but would it be possible for me to attend an undop?" And she said, "Well, I've certainly never had a foreigner." The local word was toubab, "I've never had a foreigner attend one of these before." She said, "But actually," she said, "I mean, you've come through these friends and these connections," she said, "Yes, the next time I perform an undop, you may be present." 

 

And I said, "That's fantastic." I said, "When are you next going to be doing an undop?" And she said, "Oh, it'll be sometime in the next six months." And I said, "Six months is quite a long time for me to stay here in this town [audience laughter] waiting for you to do one." I said, "Is there anyone who might, maybe we could expedite one for somebody, [audience laughter] move it forward. I'll pitch in." She said, "No, it really doesn't work that way." She said, "I'm sorry, but that's how it is." I said, "Well, I guess I won't be able to see an undop then, but even so, this conversation has been so interesting and so helpful to me, and I'm a little sad leaving here about not actually getting to see one, but I thank you." 

 

She said, "Well, I'm glad that you could come, I'm glad it was helpful.” And she said “But there is one other thing.” She said, “I hope you don't mind my saying this." And I said, "No. What? What is it?" She said, "You don't look that great yourself.” [audience laughter] She said, “You are suffering from depression?" I said, "Well, yes.” I said, “It was very acute, it's a little better now, but I still do actually suffer from depression." She said, "Well, I've certainly never done this for a toubab before, but I could actually do an undop for you." [audience laughter] I said, "Oh.” I said, “What an interesting idea? I said, “Well, yes. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, let's do that.” I said, “ I'll have an undop." 

 

And she said, "Oh, well, that's great," she said. She gave us some fairly basic instructions and then we left. My translator, the aforementioned then-girlfriend, now ex-wife of my friend, turned to me and she said, "Are you completely crazy? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?" And I said, "Well, you know, all these things, very interesting." She said, "You're crazy.” She said, “You're totally crazy, but I'll help you if you want." So, we had left. 

 

And the first thing we had was a shopping list. You could get them to buy the stuff, but we'd have to pay a surcharge. I said, "No, we'd buy the stuff." So, we had to go out. We had to buy seven yards of African fabric. We had to get a calabash, which was a large bowl fashioned from a gourd. We had to get three kilos of millet. We had to get sugar. We had to get cola beans and then we had to get two live cockerels, two roosters, and a ram. [audience laughter] 

 

And so, Helene and I went to the market with David and with these other people, and we got most of the things. And I said, "Well, but what about the ram?" And Helene said, "We can't buy the ram today. What are we going to do with it overnight?" [audience laughter] So, I saw the sense of that. [audience laughter] So, the next day, we got into a taxi to go back out two hours to where we were going. And I said, "What about the ram?" And Helene said, "Oh, we'll see a ram along the way." [audience laughter] 

 

So, we're going along and going along, and there was a Senegalese shepherd by the side of the road with his flock. We stopped the cab, we got out and we bought the ram for $7. [audience laughter] And then, we had a little bit of a struggle getting the live ram into the trunk of the taxicab. [audience laughter] But the cab driver seemed not at all worried, even by the fact that the ram kept relieving himself in the trunk of the taxicab. And so, then we got to Rufisque and we got there. I said, "Well, here I am. I'm ready for my close-up."

 

The thing about the undop, is that it varies enormously depending on a whole variety of signals and symbols that come from above. So, we had to go through this whole shamanistic process. I still didn't know really very much of what was going to happen. So, first, I had to change out of my jeans and my T-shirt and put on a loincloth. And then, I sat down and then I had my chest and my arms rubbed with millet, which is a grain. And then, someone said, "Oh, we really should have music for this." And I said, "Oh, great." I thought, you know, drumming, I thought some atmospheric thing. She came out with her very prized possession, which was a battery-operated tape player for which she had one tape, which was Chariots of Fire. [audience laughter] 

 

So, we started listening to Chariots of Fire. And in the meanwhile, I was given various shamanistic objects. I had to hold them with my hands and drop them, I had to hold them with my feet and drop them. They would say, "Oh, this augurs well, this augurs badly." There were five assistants to Madame Diouf who had all gathered around. We spent the morning like this, and it was all really just fine. And then, they said it was maybe we'd started at about 08:00, maybe about 11:00 or 11:30, they said, "Well, now it's actually time for the central part of the ritual." And I said, "Oh, okay." 

 

This sound of the drumming I'd been hoping for, the drumming began. And so, there was all of this drumming, and it was very exciting. We went to the central square of the village, where there was a small makeshift wedding bed that I had to get into with the ram. [audience laughter] I had been told it would be very, very bad luck if the ram escaped, and that I had to hold onto him. The reason we had to be in this wedding bed, was that all my depression and all my problems were caused by the fact that I had spirits. In Senegal, you have spirits that are all over you the way here you have microbes. Some are good for you, some are bad for you, some are neutral. 

 

Anyway, my bad spirits were extremely jealous of my real-life sexual partners, some of whom are here tonight. [audience laughter] We had to mollify the anger of the spirit. So, I had to get into this wedding bed with the ram, and I had to hold the ram very tightly because he was not having a good life, this ram. And he, of course, immediately relieved himself on my leg. [audience aww] And the entire village had taken the day off from their work in the fields and were dancing around us in concentric circles. And as they danced, throwing blankets and sheets of cloth over us. And so, we were gradually being buried, and it was unbelievably hot, and it was completely stifling, and there was the sound of these stamping feet as everyone danced around us, and then these drums, which were getting louder and louder, and more ecstatic and more ecstatic. 

 

I was just about at the point at which I thought I was going to faint or pass out. At that key moment, suddenly, all of the cloths were pulled off, I was yanked to my feet, the loincloth that was all I was wearing was pulled from me, the poor old ram's throat was slit, as were the throats of the two cockerels and I was covered in the blood of the freshly slaughtered ram and the cockerels. And so, there I was, naked, totally covered in blood. And they said, "Okay, that's the end of this part of it." [audience laughter] And I said, "Well, okay." And they said, "But you--" They said, "We're actually-- the next piece comes now." And I said, "Okay." 

 

We went over back to the area where we'd done the morning preparations. And one of them said, "But look, it's lunchtime. Why don't we just take a break for a minute? Would you like a Coke?" [audience laughter] I don't drink Coke that much, but at that moment, it seemed like a really, really, really good idea. And I said, "Yes." And so, I sat there naked and completely covered in animal blood, with flies kind of gathering as they will when you're naked and covered in animal blood, and I drank this Coke. And then, when I had finished the Coke, they said, "Okay. Now, we have the sort of final parts of the ritual." 

 

They said, "So, first, you have to put your hands by your sides and hold your stand very straight and very erect." And I said, "Oh, okay." And then, they tied me up with the intestines of the ram. And in the meanwhile, it was hanging from a nearby tree and there was someone doing some butchering of it. They took various little bits of it out, and then I had to shuffle over, all tied up in intestines, which most of you probably haven't done, but it's hard. [audience laughter] 

 

I had to shuffle over, and I had to take these little pieces of the ram, and I had to dig holes and I had to put the pieces of the ram in the holes. I had to say something. And what I had to say was actually, to me, incredibly, strangely touching in the middle of this weird experience. I had to say, "Spirits, leave me alone to complete the business of my life and know that I will never forget you." And I thought, what a kind thing to say to the evil spirits you're exorcising [audience chuckle] that I'll never forget you. And I haven't. 

 

So, anyway, there were various other little bits and pieces that followed. I was given a piece of paper in which all of the millet from the morning had been gathered. I was told that the next morning I should sleep with it under my pillow and in the morning get up and give it to a beggar who had good hearing and no deformities. And that when I gave it to him, that would be the end of my troubles. And then, the women all filled their mouths with water and began spitting water all over me, which it turns out is the, you know, it's the surround shower effect and rinsing the blood away from me. 

 

It gradually came off. And when I was clean, they gave me back my jeans and everyone danced and they barbecued the ram. We had this dinner, and I felt so up. [audience laughter] I felt so up. It had been quite an astonishing experience, even though I didn't believe in the animist principles behind it. All of these people had been gathered together cheering for me, and it was very exhilarating. I had a very odd experience five years later when I was working on my current book, and I was in Rwanda doing something else altogether. I got into a conversation with someone there, and I described the experience I'd had in Senegal. And he said, "Oh, you know, we have something that's a little like that.” He said, “That's West Africa. This is East Africa. It's quite different, but there are some similarities in some rituals here." 

 

He said, "You know, we had a lot of trouble with Western mental health workers who came here immediately after the genocide, and we had to ask some of them to leave." And I said, "What was the problem?" And he said, "Okay. They came, and their practice did not involve being outside in the sun like what you're describing, which is, after all, where you begin to feel better. There was no music or drumming to get your blood flowing again when you're depressed and you're low and you need to have your blood flowing." 

 

He said, "There was no sense that everyone had taken the day off, so that the entire community could come together to try to lift you up and bring you back to joy. He said, “There was no acknowledgment of depression as something invasive and external that could actually be cast out of you again." He said, "Instead, they would take people one at a time and into these dingy little rooms and have them sit around for an hour or so and talk about bad things that had happened to them." [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

He said, "We had to get them to leave the country.” [audience laughter] Thank you.