Mike Sela - Next Year, I’m Buying Her Socks

 

So, a few years ago, my daughter was home for summer from college, and we decided to go to Disneyland for a few days, where we did a few things that really brought me joy. One, a bunch of the roller coasters there have cameras that take a picture at the scariest moment. And my shtick that I've done for years is that I like to do a big exaggerated yawn right when they take the picture. So, you see them and everyone looks really scared and there I am in the middle, just aggressively bored. [audience laughter] And Parker did it with me, which really pleased me very much. 

 

And I learned about her. I learned that one of the things on her bucket list is that she wants to go skydiving one day. And I thought, wow, that makes one of us weirdo. Because I have a big fear of heights. I'm uncomfortable on a ladder, let alone walking off of an airplane voluntarily. But I took this thought and I stored it away. And a few days later, I'm chatting with my wife, and somehow the words that came out of my mouth were, “We should all go skydiving for Parker's birthday.” [audience laughter] When what I was thinking was, “I will get out of this somehow.” [audience laughter] But her birthday was months away, and I thought, this is a problem for future Mike. And I pushed all my fear down into my bowels. [audience laughter] 

 

A few months later, future Mike wakes up and it's skydiving day, [audience laughter] and I'm future Mike. My bowels are very unhappy. But I drive us to the Watsonville Airport and we check in for our skydiving appointment. And there's a bunch of forms to fill out that very specifically list all the different types of death and dismemberment [audience laughter] that you promise not to sue them for. And then we meet our skydiving partners, because when you go skydiving for the first time, you don't do that by yourself. You don't even get a parachute. Your skydiving instructor puts a parachute on their back and they strap you to their front like a big Baby Bjorn. [audience laughter] So it's not like you're really skydiving. You're just the luggage of someone who is skydiving. [audience laughter] 

 

And we meet our instructors, and they're very chill dudes. Mine is named Stefan. He's like one part snowboarding instructor, one-part Top Gun, like two-part sunglasses. [audience laughter] And we go through the training, which is just like explaining how to be good, polite luggage. [audience laughter] And then they take us out to the runway to see the group in front of us. And a small plane pulls up, and two instructors and two skydivers get in the back. And the plane starts to taxi away. And they don't even bother closing the door. One dude's leg is just casually dangling out the door. [audience laughter] And this is where I really start to flip out. I mean, there was a leg dangling. I've been in airplanes, and normally when my airplanes taxi, I'm not even allowed to have my tray table down, [audience laughter] let alone part of me hanging out the airplane. 

 

So, I turn to Parker and my wife and I say, “Hey, how are you guys feeling?” And they're fine. They're happy, they're excited, like psychopaths. [audience laughter] And so, our plane pulls up next, and two instructors get in. And then Parker and I get in sort of, you know, with our backs to them. We scoot between their legs like we're the little spoons. And the plane starts to taxi and it takes off. And I realize that I'm not strapped to Stefan yet. And I ask him in my calmest and most high-pitched voice, I say, “Hey, Stefan, don't you think you should just strap us together?” [audience laughter] And Stefan is chill. He says not to worry. I am not chill. I am very worried. And I'm going through in my head how I'm going to get out of this. I signed a lot of forms. Maybe I gave up the right to do this. I don't know maybe luggage doesn't even have rights. 

 

If I don't do this, will my daughter be disappointed in me? Or am I just going to let peer pressure make me jump out of an airplane? And as I'm masterminding my escape, Stefan says “It's go time,” because that's how he talks. [audience laughter] And Parker's due to go first. So, I see her and her instructor inch towards the door and it's surreal. And the door opens and they're gone. 

 

My daughter, my only child, has fallen out of an airplane. [audience laughter] I spent 20 years trying to convince her not to run with scissors, [audience laughter] and now she has literally tumbled out of an airplane in front of me and suddenly I'm very motivated to skydive. And so, Stefan and I, he sort of scooches and I sort of Samsonite my way over to the door. [audience laughter] And then my leg is dangling out that open door and Stefan pushes us out and we are tumbling and it is windy and it is noisy and it is terrifying and we are free falling for like 30 seconds or a week or something. [audience laughter] And Stefan pulls the parachute ripcord. And he's also doing his other job, which is to video record the whole thing, like I'm ever going to watch this worst day of my life again. And he gestures to me to see smile for the camera. And I look up at the camera and I go, (yawns) [laughter and applause]. 

 

Am I proud of myself for facing my fears and supporting my daughter and skydiving with her? Yeah, sure, whatever, a little bit. But am I really pleased with myself for making that stupid gag while plummeting to earth? Oh, my God, yes, so much. That is my favorite. But the next few years, for Parker's birthday, we just sheltered in place and that was way better. Thank you.