Caitlin Meyer - Near Mrs.

 

So, I grew up in Provo, Utah, and if you don't know Provo, Utah, is the center of Mormondom. You think it's Salt Lake, but it's Provo. I was raised Mormon, but you should know as a teenager, I was a very bad Mormon. [audience chuckles] When I was 16, every night I would go into my room like I was going to bed, put on my nightgown, close the door, take off my nightgown, put on my clothes, open the window, climb out and spend the night with my boyfriend Lucio. [audience reaction] And all of his friends, we hung out in the party house. He was a metal guitarist. He was great. [audience chuckles] He had long hair. My parents hated him. It was perfect. [audience chuckles]

 

So, one morning, after spending all night with Lucio and his friends, I climbed back in my bedroom window, and there's my father in my bedroom. I had this idea that, “Okay, the jig is up. I've been caught, so maybe now is time to come clean about all of my sins.” [audience chuckles] I'm not really sure what I was thinking, but I told my father that I was on the pill. He cried a little bit, and he said, “I'm glad that you're taking precautions.” And then he said, “I'm going to have to tell your mother.” I heard the wail [audience chuckles] from the other side of the house. It was operatic. It was [wailing imitation]. And that touched dad off. And it was a really good approximation of hell. Even though Mormons don't believe in hell, it was a good Catholic hell going on there. [audience laughter]

 

So, I was told to leave the room. After they calmed down a little bit. I was told to leave the room and they had to discuss things, my fate. So, after a while, they said, “Okay, you can come back.” My mom was completely white and she had this grim mask on. And they said, “We've been talking and you have a choice.” “Oh, yay. Great. I have a choice.” They said, “We're thinking about Heritage School.” Heritage School was a reform school. And you may have seen documentaries about schools like these where big burly guys come into a teenager's bedroom in the middle of the night and kidnap them and take them away to this horrific reform school. They were always under suit from the ACLU. I know this because my mother used to work there. [chuckle] It's a charming, charming place. I said, “Okay, what's the other choice?” They said, “Well, you can marry him.” [audience aww] I said, “Okay, yeah, fine, I'll marry him.” That's what you want. That's what you're going to get.

 

So, we loaded into the car and we drove down to the party house. [audience chuckles] And Lucio's friend Darren was on the front lawn. And I saw him through the windshield of the car. And he went running inside to wake Lucio up because we'd been up all night. Lucio came out all rumpled and sat in the backseat of the car. I was in the front seat between my parents. And my parents proposed to him. [audience laughter] And Lucio, bless his heart, said “Yes.” He was also over 18, so they had that statutory thing over his head. But that's not why he said yes, it was love. So, for a month, were engaged. And I got to see him once a week. On alternating weeks, he would come to my house and we'd have a family financial planning meeting because we couldn't get married until he could support me. [audience chuckles] And on alternating weeks, I'd go to his parents’ house.

 

His parents were Brazilian, and they would have this big dinner, “And this is Lucio's fiancée.” Everything is beautiful. So, this is where the interference comes in. My parents sent me to a therapist after one month of engagement. I went to this therapist and I told him what was going on. And he said, “That's ridiculous.” [audience chuckles] I said, “Yeah.” He said, “You don't need to go to reform school.” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “You're too young to get married. I said, “Yeah.” He said, “You need to get out of that house.” I said, “I know. Tell them that.” He did. And my parents said, “You're right.” So, I left home at 16 and came to California. And for the rest of my life, I will be grateful to that therapist who saved my life.