Steve Glickman - Moving Back in With My Parents

 

Around a year ago, I moved back in with my parents. The occasion was that my mom had a nervous breakdown, because she was overwhelmed caring for my dad, who has dementia. Family crisis, gay son with no kids to the rescue. [audience laughter] That's me. My parents live in the suburbs, about an hour from where I live in the city with my partner Mark. I pack a bag, and I move into their spare bedroom. That first night was weird. Lying on their futon, staring at the ceiling, I wondered, how did they get so old and how long can I do this for? Like, I love my parents, but they can drive me crazy sometimes.

 

Living with them, I quickly see how bad my dad's dementia has become. His short-term memory is shot. He can't remember what day it is, he can't remember what he had for lunch or if he had lunch, he wanders off and gets lost. He needs constant supervision. He still remembers my name, and he's great at Jeopardy!, [audience chuckles] but I can see why my mom lost it. So, I try to help out where I can. I pay their bills, I give them their pills, I watch over my dad during the day while I'm working. But I have a full-time job, and it becomes pretty clear that I can't do nearly enough. I start to think that sending my dad to a memory care facility might be the best option.

 

One morning, I'm having coffee in the kitchen and my mom walks in. It's 11:00 AM. They always get up late. I ask her why they don't get up any earlier, and she says, "That's our sexy time. Your father gets very frisky in the morning." [audience laughter] I say, "Wow, [audience laughter] that's excellent. Every morning?" She says, "Every morning," [audience laughter] then she laughs like a teenage girl. She's 85. [audience laughter] Give it up for my mom. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Yeah. It's impressive, right? [audience laughter] A little envious, actually. [audience laughter] Mark and I don't have sex every day, not even close, and we're gay men. [audience laughter] My dad is 90. So, in context, it's not all that surprising. My parents have always liked their sexy time. [audience chuckles] We were a sexually liberated family. When I was five years old, I asked my parents, "Where do babies come from?" And they told me right then and there exactly how babies are made. I said, "Wow, can I watch the next time you make a baby?" [audience laughter] My dad said, "No, that's a private thing between me and Mommy." 

 

I couldn't understand why they wouldn't let me watch. But when I got a bit older, I knew they always tried to make a baby on Sunday afternoons. [audience laughter] They would lock the door to their bedroom, but I could hear my mom moaning because I was right outside. Anyhoo, [audience laughter] the next time that we go visit their doctor, my mom mentions sexy time, because she's all about transparency. And the doctor says that hypersexuality is actually a symptom of Alzheimer's. My mom looks down at the floor. We had been using the word dementia for years, and my mom thought dementia meant the ordinary forgetfulness that comes with old age. But Alzheimer's was something entirely different. My mom looks at the doctor and she says, "You don't know he has Alzheimer's. There is no test." The doctor says, "He has all the symptoms. You're right, there is no definitive test, but he has it." My mom shakes her head. She can't accept it. But Alzheimer's or not, my parents enjoy their sexy time. [audience chuckles] I realize that if I move my dad into a memory care facility, then I would be breaking them up. 

 

My parents have shared the same bed for 60 years, and they fought like cats and dogs for most of those years. But they always made up, usually in bed. [audience chuckles] And if I send Dad away, it will kill them. So, I start looking for in-home caretakers. I interviewed a few, we hired one, but she didn't work out. And at this point, I'd been living with them for three months and I was going a little bit crazy. I love my parents, but I needed my life back. Then we hired Kelsey.

 

On her first day, my dad tells her to leave. And then he yells at me, "I don't need any help. I'm fine." People with Alzheimer's have no idea how much help they need. Kelsey smiles at me and she says, "It's all right. This is normal for day one." In a week, my parents had accepted Kelsey. And in a month, they fell in love with her. I moved out and I reclaimed my life and my sanity. It's been a year now, and Kelsey is a part of our family. I'm glad I was able to keep my parents together. They can have their sexy time whenever they want. And you know what? I don't need to watch. [audience laughter] Thank you.