Sara Barron - Modern Family

 

Six months ago, I married a man named Jeff. And my marriage to Jeff made me a stepmother to a dog. [audience laughter] What I mean when I say that is not just that Jeff had a dog. And now that we're married, we kind of have the dog together. Although that is true. What I mean more specifically, is that Jeff shares custody of a dog with his ex-girlfriend. [audience laughter] As I am now his wife, I also share custody of a dog with his ex-girlfriend. [audience chuckles] 

 

found out about this dog share situation very early in the relationship. The first time I went over to his apartment, there was a dog there, and she's like, “Woof, woof.” And I'm like, “Oh my God. Hi. Are you a cutie? Are you a little cutie?” I'm not really a dog person. [audience laughter] I'm not not a dog person. It's just that prior to owning one myself, I was unfamiliar with the unconditional love of an animal. And so, to me, it always seemed like a lot of poop, not a lot of conversation, and I just wasn't very interested. 

 

 However, if I was interested in a man who owned a dog, I would do a full song and dance about the dog to lock the business down, because I always felt it was this very weird like surreal audition for my maternal instinct. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “Uh-huh, Jeff, your dog.” And then, one week later, I'm back at the apartment. But this time, no dog. I'm like, "Jeff, where's the dog?" And Jeff says, "Oh, funny thing actually is I share custody of the dog with my ex." And I'm like, "That is super funny." And then, he said, "Okay," but in a non-sarcastic way, I ask, "How do you feel about the dog share?" And I said, "Well, I don't know, really, because I didn't." There was part of me that was like, “Okay, great.” Like, “This is what the modern people are doing.” [audience laughter] So, that. But then, the other part of me was like, “This shit sounds dysfunctional. What?” [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

It really was both those things that I was like, “Smitten with Jeff #earlydays.” [audience laughter] And so, I did what you do when you're smart smitten, which is you just act agreeable. Like, you're not actually even acting agreeable, because you're so smitten, you feel so agreeable. And then, it's like, roll of the dice as to whether or not I'm going to resent you for this later on. [audience laughter] 

 

Few quick words on the dog. She's a Miniature Schnauzer, and she is pretty cute, actually. [audience chuckles] Her name is Laika. A few quick words on the ex. She is a human woman. [audience laughter] She's also pretty cute, actually. [audience laughter] And her name is Gina. Jeff and Gina were together for 10 years, which is a long time. Never married, no kids. Jeff was the one to end it. And two months after Jeff ended it, which is not a long time, Jeff met me. And one month after Jeff met me, which is also not a long time, Gina found out about us. She found out that we were dating, which was horrible, and which happened because Jeff and I had gone to dinner with this good friend of mine, and she loved him, and he loved her, and she loved us together. It was like one of these good social evenings out. And because those kinds of things don't actually exist, if you don't take a photo and then put them up on Facebook. [audience laughter]

 

I awoke the following morning to discover, to my profound dismay, that my friend had put a photograph of Jeff and me together up on Facebook. And not only that, she'd tagged us. And not only that, she'd used the caption "lovebirds." [audience chuckles] Few quick words on me. [audience laughter] Prior to meeting Jeff, I was single, which I know is a given, but the reason that I want to make a point of saying that is it's not just that I was single, I self-identified as single. I'd been single a lot. I'd been on so many dates. I'd been on so many dates with so many men who were like, "Sara, I think you're great. But the thing is, et cetera." [audience laughter] 

 

And so, when suddenly I was the one with the guy, and a fellow member of my sisterhood was in pain, in part because of me, I made a promise not dissimilar from the Girl Scout Promise. “On my honor, I will try to serve the sisterhood of single women by being kind and understanding to this one woman who just went through a breakup and to live by the Girl Scout law.” Should have been effortless, [audience chuckles] but it wasn't effortless. And the reason why, at least in part, was because I had not prepared-- That was on me. But I had not prepared for the amount of involvement that Gina seemed to want in Jeff's current life. 

 

I'm talking in addition to any and all dog-related things, right? So, there's a lot of calling, there's a lot of texting, there is a lot of activity on the old Facebook page, a lot of like, "We really need to catch up over coffee. We really need to catch up over dinner." [audience chuckles] And the best part of me understood that all that stuff, every single inch of it, was about a woman who was in pain. She's going through a breakup. These things take time and she had no time. But the worst part of me, which is basically me,- [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]  -I really wanted her to go away. [audience laughter] And that made me feel really bad about myself. Around the one-year mark, something seemingly insignificant, but actually quite significant happened, and that is that Jeff had a mole removed, stay with me, [audience laughter] from his upper, upper, upper inner thigh. He had done this, because I'd asked him to, because he comes from a long line of people who are like, "If you don't go to the doctor, then the problem isn't there." Whereas I come from a long line of people who are like, "If you don't go to the doctor, you're going to die." [audience chuckles] I had my eye on this mole, okay? It was dangerously textural, and I was like, "No, it needs to go." 

 

 And the day following the mole removal, he does this very tiny little intentionally funny post about it on Facebook. And Gina, as is her way, leaves a comment. This comment in particular read as follows. [audience laughter] "What? No. You are at least 1% less yourself without that mole. I shall mourn its passing." [audience laughter] And I read that particular comment, and I thought about it for a second-- I don't know what the technical medical term is for what happened next. But speaking as a layperson, I can tell you that I went apeshit. [audience laughter] It was as though, like every little, "Oh, are you kidding me?" that I'd been suppressing down for a year expressed into the big great, "Are you fucking kidding me?" of my life. 

 

I lost my mind. I screamed. I pounded my fist against the wall. I was saying things out loud to myself like, "You know what, Gina? Just go ahead and write, 'Jeff and I are so close on Facebook. I know what he looks like naked on Facebook.' [audience laughter] Seriously, just do it, because it would at least be more honest and direct if you did." I was so angry for a multitude of reasons. Number one, because I'd been repressing my natural feelings for a year, and that's going to do it to you. [audience chuckles] 

 

Number two, because Gina wasn't going because of Laika. She was around and she was staying around, and I felt so powerless as a result of this. Number three, because I'd been reminded, as I so often was, of the length and intimacy of Jeff and Gina's relationship. It was like, “Oh, right, yes, of course.” Of course, she knows that mole, because they shared a bed together for 10 years. It's like such an overwhelming length of time. And number four, because that mole was some pre-cancerous shit. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

It was the mole, but it was everything. [audience chuckles] And so, because if you cannot run away from the wave, you must then dive into the wave. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I went back to the computer, I went back onto Facebook, I went back to Gina's comment. I clicked on Gina's profile, I clicked on the message button on Gina's profile. [audience chuckles] And then, I wrote the following. "Gina, Gina, in light of our particular relationship, let me get straight to the point. I was thinking maybe we should meet up for a drink. I think it might be helpful for the both of us. Let me know what you think. All best, Sara." 

 

Two hours later, Gina wrote back. "Sara, I read your message and had two prevailing thoughts. The first was thank you. The second was fuck off. But the thing is, the part of me that thinks thank you is the part I like the best. So, yeah, let's do it. Let's go for a drink." Three nights later, Gina and I, just the two of us, met up for a drink. Personally, I prepared for what I now call the X Games of emotions with a manicure. And because I was so nervous about the whole thing from the get-go, and then what made it worse is that the subway broke down on the way there, and so I had to literally run the last 15 minutes. 

 

So, I just remember walking into this bar and being like, “My face is on fire. My face is on fire.” [audience laughter] And then, Gina walked in and she looked perfect. And that made me more nervous. And so, then as my conversational entree, I said, "Hi, you look like all the photos of you that I've stalked on Facebook." But it was hashtag too soon and she didn't laugh. Not that she should have, it was just totally a mess. [audience chuckles] But eventually I stopped sweating. Thank you, guys, very much. And then, we had a drink, and then we had a couple of drinks. 

 

Gina talked about how so many of her actions toward Jeff just felt to her like this fight for a friendship with Jeff. I talked about how I'd made the promise of the sisterhood of single girls to her, but it didn't go great. [audience chuckles] And we talked together about what it was that we both represented to the other person, which of course, is that you can build a life with someone and that person can choose to leave. 

 

That all took one hour, but we wound up out together for another five. It was like once all that baggage was off me and, on the table, I could start to realize that I actually liked her. I thought she was much more self-aware in person than I thought she seemed online. I thought she was funny, I thought she was warm. I really appreciated that she was open to talking all this stuff out in the attempt of diffusing it. I walked in the front door at 03:00 in the morning and Jeff was like, "Oh my God, I was worried she killed you." [audience laughter] And I was like, "What, my girl? Gee, no way. [audience laughter] We diffused it. I liked her and she liked me. And I understand why you were with her, and it's possible that I'm drunk and I just feel so good."

 

That feeling was not sustainable, because even if you like a person in person, if you're mostly not in person and if they do tend to text your husband a bit more often than you'd like, you can still get the tiniest bit annoyed. [audience chuckles] One afternoon several months later, I took Laika out for a walk all by myself. And on the way, we met this other Miniature Schnauzer. I got to talking with the owner like you do, and she was like, "Oh, your dog's so cute." And I was like, "Oh, thank you. Your dog's so cute." And she's like, "How old is she?" And I was like, "Oh, she's five. How old is he?" And she's like, "Oh, he's 18." "Ma'am, are you okay?" [audience laughter] And I am. I'm great. I have 13 years to work out all my problems. Thank you, guys.