Majdy Fares - Man vs Swan

 

[clears throat] My backyard consists of 40 feet of grass, two swans, and a small lake. These swans are both strikingly beautiful and strikingly hostile. They're not my favorite. I like the mallards and the turtles way more than the swans. My least favorite wild animal on the property are the Airbnb guests. [audience laughter] When we moved to D.C., we rented out the place. Our first bad review was a nightmare come true, "A swan hissed at my daughter and we just didn't feel safe.” Two stars. [audience laughter] After that, our reservation rate plummeted. My chances of becoming a Superhost went down the drain. I'm petty. And my inbox filled up with messages and questions about the swan that I didn't have answers for. [audience laughter]

 

So, these swans have been there long before me, but they've become a threat to my guests and, more importantly, my income. So, I called the city and received some surprising advice. "Coyote urine." [audience laughter] “Excuse me?” "You'll scare him away if you cover your yard with coyote urine." [audience laughter] “How am I supposed to do that? Do I give a coyote a Bud Light and grab and walk backwards? I mean, how do I do this?” [audience laughter] I'm from the suburbs. [audience laughter] [clears throat] Now, I'm online on Amazon reading reviews for coyote urine. [audience laughter] He was like, "Make sure you do it before they nest." 

 

So, I ordered it online. It shipped in like three days. I'm reading all these reviews and my favorite review, by the way, "Bought it to repel skunks. Smells way worse than skunks." [audience laughter] Yeah. That's what I'm dealing with. I didn't even know which one to buy, so I just sorted the results by newest arrivals and purchased the top one. Not to sound bougie or anything, but I only buy the freshest coyote urine. [audience laughter] When the package arrived, the box was wet. [audience aww and laughs] It was leaking. It was damaged in transit. I could smell it from 50 feet away. This poor UPS driver had to drive around with it all day long. [audience laughter] 

 

Anyways, I didn't have time to return it because it was nesting season. This had to be done now. The time had come. So, I suited up for battle. Felt like Rambo. [audience laughter] If my neighbors were outside that day, they would have seen me [chuckles] wearing six garbage bags, [audience laughter] spraying urine everywhere, going, "You made me this way. You drew first blood." [audience laughter] Which wasn't a good idea because the wind from the lake kept blowing it right back into my face. [audience laughter] I couldn't wipe it off, so I had to just let it sit there on my face like pee-pee tears. [audience laughter] 

 

I called the city again. "Yeah, your plan didn't work. The swan is still here, and I have coyote urine on my tonsils. [audience laughter] Help me." They said, "You have the right to shoot the swan." That's tempting, but I'm not going to shoot a swan over an Airbnb review. They said, “Swans are considered an invasive species by law.” But the swan was here before me, I feel like I'm the invasive species. They said, “Swans can be aggressive and hostile when it comes to their territory.” I said, "That's because I'm trying to displace them from their land. I'm trying to remove them from their land."

 

And he said, "But technically the land is yours." I don't have time to turn this into a Palestine–Israeli conflict right now. [audience laughter] I hung up. “You give bad advice.” I changed my intentions. Rather than finding a way to get rid of them, I found a way to include them. I updated the listing, put photos of the swans, [audience laughter] fun facts about the swans, like how they mate for life. "Come visit Swan Lake." [audience laughter] After that, a lot of people were scared off by those changes, but I attracted all these nature lovers who know how to keep their distance from a swan. So, now, business is good. The swans are happy. So, treat God's creatures with respect, even if your government tells you not to.