Terrence Buckner - Last Laugh 

 

 

Hello, everybody. Well, my whole story started when I was about 13 years old, and my best friend Kelly just came out to me and told me that she was a lesbian. And when she told me, I was like “Oh, okay, I'll still love you. You'll always be my best friend, no matter what happens.” But then when she told me that, I was thinking in the back of my head, “Oh, I should tell her.” And when I said, “Kelly, I'm gay.” And she said, “Oh, so, what? I'm still going to love you, TK no matter what happens, you'll always be my best friend, too.” So, I felt really good about that.

 

But the thing about where I'm from, which is Brooklyn. I mean, Brownsville in Brooklyn, it's really not good to be a guy and be gay at the same time, because you would get harassed, you would get picked on, you'd get beat up. You would get the worst thing-- worst looks from people, and nobody would really want that. Because I was 13, so, I really didn't want any more peer pressure than I already had on me already. [audience chuckle] So, I wanted to tell my mom. And when I thought about it, I always thought about what happens if I told my mom like all the other parents, they would disown their children. They would kick them out. And I never wanted that for me.

 

But then one day, I just thought in my head, “You know what? This is one thing my mom has to know.” She has to know this about me. She'll love me if I tell her, she won't. If I won't tell her, and she'll never know, and she'll be in her grave thinking, “Oh, my son was gay, and she never knew.” So, I just said-- I came to her. She was in the room, and I said, “Mom, if I was gay, would you love me more or love me less?” And she said, “TK, I'll love you no matter what happens in this world you'll always be my son.” And then when she said that, I was like “Oh, well, I'm gay.” [audience laughter] And she said, “Oh, okay. See, I still love you. You're not going to just go. I'm not going to kick you out or anything or I was you thinking.” And I was like “No, Mom, I would never think that.” [audience laughter] 

 

I was like thank you, God because I thought she was going to kick me out. And I was walking in the hall-- I was walking to my room-- After I told her, I just wanted to get out the room, so, I was walking to my room, and all I saw was my brother looking at me like I was crazy, like I had three eyes, 32 faces. And I was just weird and different from the normal Terrence he knew. And in the back of my head, I was like “What the heck? Why is he looking at me like that? I haven't said anything to him all day.” And I just never thought about it after that and I went in my room. I went to sleep, because I had a big, important event going on in my school where I had to sing, rap, and dance and do other stuff at the same time [chuckles]. And I just wanted to go to sleep.

 

And so, when I woke up in the morning, I was just-- I wanted to wear something different from the usual Terrence that everyone knows. So, I put on-- because usually I wear a baggy jeans, big shirts look like a want to be thug or something [chuckles], [audience laughter] so, instead, I just put on skinny jeans-- black skinny jeans, black and white Converses, and a red and white checkerboard shirt. And I just put on my jacket, put on my bag, and just went to school. 

 

And my friend. My friend Trayvon. My best friend Trayvon since fifth grade, he noticed the different way I dressed, but he really didn't say anything about it. He just thought that it was just for the show. And when I went into the school, because like the first floor is the lunchroom. Right when you walk in, you're in the lunchroom full of-- on most sides, it's like the gossipers, the chicken heads, the birds, [audience laughter] everybody had their own little cliques in my school, so, everyone was separated out [chuckles]. [audience laughter] And when my older brother--

 

I just walked in the lunchroom, and my older brother just walks by and screams, “Faggot.” And I never knew what that meant at the time. So, my friend, Trayvon said, “Yo, Terrence, you want to take that from him?” And I said, “What is that supposed to mean?” He said, “It's like a gay person in a bad way.” And I was like “Oh,” I really didn't care about it. That's my brother. He's always going to say some stuff out his mouth that makes no sense. [laughter and applause]

 

And then my friend Trayvon asked me, “Yo, Terrence, are you gay?” And I was like “Why? Is there a problem with that?” He was like “No, I'm just asking. I just want to make sure.” And I was like “Yeah, so, what's wrong?” Then he looked at me like my older brother did the night before. So, I was like what the heck? And then he looked at me and just power walked away from me like he was running a triathlon or something. [audience laughter] And I was like what the heck is. He's not going to be my friend anymore just because this one thing? And I was like fine, forget it. And then I walked up-- I was going to my class. 

 

And when I was walking through the hallways and through the stairs, I usually-- it's more of a hi and bye relationship with the other kids in my school and so I was just saying hi to kids. And I remember just these three girls that always hang out, I was saying hi to them and they just started rolling their eyes, sucking their teeth and saying, “Mm-hmm. That's a shame.” And I was always in my head like what the heck? I don't even talk to these kids. And then I thought about what happened a few minutes before. So, it was a domino effect of everybody know and they’re like “Oh, Terrence is gay. Oh, Terrence is gay. Oh, he's a homo, he's a faggot.” And all this craziness going on in my school. So, everyone and their mothers and their teachers knew about me being gay. And for that whole day, I was so confused about it because I thought that everyone was going to still be cool with me just because of this one decision I wanted to make in my life.

 

So, after the events that I had to do for my school, I was walking home and it was around 4:30-5 o' clock. It was during the wintertime, so, it got really dark really soon outside. And I was walking through the projects, and even though there were streetlights, it wasn't really that bright outside. It was still dark. So, I was just walking and a group of kids like seven kids just walked up to me and said, “Yo, you got a problem?” And I said, “What are you talking about?” And right when I said that-- right when I said, “What are you talking about?” I just felt a big-- I saw a big flash of light-- of white light and a big bash to my head and then I just saw myself falling. And then in my head, I was screaming like what the heck is going on, someone save me. Someone get me out from here and I guess no one could hear me because I wasn't screaming. My mind was saying, “Help me,” but my body and my voice was saying nothing. I was just on the floor paralyzed while the kids were just kicking me, punching me, grabbing me, trying to pull me up on my feet to beat me up even more. 

 

And in my head, I was like God, “Please let me get out of this safe. Please let me get out of here. Please let me get away from these kids. Please let me fight back.” I was just praying to God to let me get out the situation. And then all I feel is me just get up and I see all these kids in front of me and just close my eyes and just start swinging at everybody. I did not know who I hit. I just know I hit a lot of people. [cheers and applause] And one kid, I saw this boy, Courtney, and I always never knew why they called him Courtney, but that was just his name. [audience laughter] So, that's the only kid I noticed. And then I just saw everybody just come at me again. So, I just closed my eyes again and just started swinging again. 

 

And then, after I opened my eyes, I saw this one opening to the right of me where I was walking before. And even though I was really tired, I was really hurt. I was really messed up. I still ran for my life. I was running like there was no tomorrow. I was running until I got to my house, where I knew I was safe, where I knew I was going to be-- I wasn't going to get attacked anymore, where I knew, I didn't have to fight anymore. And when I got to the house, I didn't have my keys on me. So, I was just banging on the door, trying to tell my mom, “Oh, I'm hurt. I'm in danger. Help me. Open the door so, I could get in.” And then she opened the door, and she said, “TK, what's wrong? What happened? Who did this? What's wrong?” And I was like “Mom, these kids beat me up.” She said, “Who?” I said, “I don't know. Only person I noticed was Courtney,” and that's the only person I knew. And she was like “All right,” and then she called the police. 

 

But when the police came, they made me file out a report. And then I thought about it, and I said, forget it, because no matter what, those kids are always going to do this to other people because this wasn't the first time, they did this to someone. I guess I was number three on their list or something for them to do this to me. And I just went in my room and turned off all the lights. And the weird thing-- the backwards thing about me, even though I'm depressed, I would listen to even more depressing music. I was listening to My Immortal by Evanescence and a lot of metal and gothic music. And for that whole night, I was really emo and gothic [audience laughter] and no one understood why other than my mom and other people, because I was blasting it with all the lights off and everything. [chuckles]

 

And my older brother came in the room and knocked on the door, and I said, “Go away. Don't come in.” And then I just heard the door open and he said, “TK what's wrong? Are you okay?” And I said, “Why are you worrying about it? You're the one that started all this mess. You should have never said anything about anything, and everyone would have been fine. No one would have got hurt. No one would have got jumped. No one got hurt or anything.” And I just pushed him out the room and slammed the door and finished listening to My Immortal and all the other music [audience laughter] and went to sleep.

 

And when I woke up the next morning, even though I was really busted up, I had a big bump on my head, my lip was busted, my nose was messed up and everything, my mom said I still had to go to school. It's still a school day, so, I had to go and I had to get an education. So, I said, “All right, fine.” And I went in my room, and then I was taking-- I took out-- usually it would take me 10 minutes to get dressed, but that day, it took me a good 40 minutes-- 45 minutes to get dressed because I didn't not know what to wear, because I had my baggy jeans, the regular jeans I wore, and then I had more skinny jeans. So, I was thinking to myself, if I'll go back to the baggy jeans, that means that I let them win. That means that I'm weaker. I gave them last laugh. They won the battle and the war.

 

But then I looked at the skinny jeans, and I just thought about me being powerful, me winning the war. Even though I lost the battle, I still won the war. I got the last laugh like “Ha-ha. You didn't mess. You didn't hurt me any. Just because of pain on my face doesn't mean that you're going to hurt me inside.” And I said, you know what? Forget them. And I put on my skinny jeans and [cheers and applause] I just went out my door.

 

And when I got to school, kids were just looking at me sympathetically that like Oh-- people that really sucked their teeth and rolled their eyes at me were feeling really sympathetic of me. And in my head, because I really didn't want to say it to them. In my head, I was just like “Don't feel sorry for me. This is one thing, like come on. There's more stuff that's happening in the world that you just have to worry about me, oh, I'm in your class. So, what?” And I just walked up the stairs. And then during lunch, the only boy I noticed, Courtney, he had like a-- on the side of his face, he had a print of a grate, a permanent print of a grate that's in the street on the side of his face. [audience laughter] 

 

And I know that I beat him up. I know I fought him back and beat him up. I didn't think I did that much. I went up to him and I said, “Yo, Courtney, what happened to your face, son? That someone really must have messed you up.” [laughter] And he said, “You know what? Shut up, you faggot.” And I said, “You know what? Whatever.” And then I just sat down and started talking to my friends, and they said, “Yo--" 

 

My friend Kelly, because she lives right there where the whole situation happens, she said, “Yo, Terrence, I heard that your brother and his friends really messed up them kids.” And I was like oh. In the back of my head, I was like wow, he actually did that for me. That was really nice of him, but that still didn't get him off the hook for just doing that to me earlier today. [audience laughter] That ain't get him off the hook. So, I was always thinking, why would he do that for me if he's the one that started this whole wildfire of mess going on with my life? And I was like you know I'm really victorious and I guess I won the battle and the war. I got the last laugh. And after that day, I really didn't care what anybody said about me. I was always going to be the crazy, insane, psychotic person you'll ever meet. I'm always going to be outgoing, wear crazy stuff, wear retro stuff, nerdy. Anything I could find that goes together, I would wear it, and I wouldn't worry about anybody else, and that's my story.