Ron Hart - Jurassic Snark

 

I have two daughters and I've been a father for a while. But it still feels like a disguise to me because inside I still feel like a kid pretending to be a parent. And I know I'm going to mess them up. I've already given up on that. But my goal is that I give them fresh garbage to deal with. I don't want to pass on what's in my head. It's bad enough they get my hair. I don't want what's inside my head going down on them. [audience chuckle] So, you know the expression like, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I'm like, "Fly away, apples. Get away from this tree." [audience chuckle] 

 

So, when I was a kid, I was terrified of museums. Museum of Science and Industry. I thought it was going to eat me, right? Freaked me out every time I went in there. So, I was like, “This is a thing I can give them that I didn't have, to not be afraid of museums.” So, my daughters were young. My oldest was 3. The youngest was 1. And I said to my wife, "You got the day off today. Super dad's going to take the girls on a little adventure." I live in Los Angeles and went to the Museum of Natural History. I'm going to show them-- museums are a fun place and we're looking around, we're seeing the exhibits and we see that there's a show in the museum. It's about dinosaurs. I'm like, "Oh, girls, it's a show. Like, who doesn't love a show? Let's go to the show."

 

Going to this big room, it's got all these exhibits and this guy comes in with like a pith helmet and a vest and, he's putting on this low rent Indiana Jones act, talking about archaeology, whatever. And in the back of the room, a door opens up and this guy comes in a dinosaur disguise. And I can tell it's a disguise because I can see cargo shorts and Adidas. [audience chuckle] But my 3-year-old sees 80,000 teeth and an eating machine. And my 1-year-old doesn't know what she sees, but she just starts screaming [audience chuckle] and she grabs my neck so hard that I can barely breathe. And she's clutching down on me and the 3-year-old comes in, grabs me, locking into her sister, and they're both screaming. I'm like, "I got to get out of here." 

 

But they've formed like a human bike chain and I can't literally stand up and I have to like run out like Quasimodo getting out of the room. We're back home, 45 minutes into my wife's day off, [audience chuckle] and I hand her two toddlers with PTSD. [audience laughter] And if you're like my wife, you're thinking I'm a pretty horrible parent. But it actually gets much worse. [audience chuckle] 

 

A couple months later, my 3-year-old, she's in preschool and they're having a field trip and they're looking for chaperones. I'm going to be a chaperone. We're going to the butterfly pavilion, which is next to the Museum of Natural History. Butterflies, that sounds like fun to me. We go, we look at the butterflies, all these 3-year-olds, great time. We get out and the teacher says, "Boys and girls, we have extra time. We can go into the museum." I was like, "Oh, I don't think that sounds like a good idea." We're looking around the museum. Sure enough, the teacher says, "Boys and girls, they have a show about dinosaurs. Who doesn't love a show?" I say to her, like, "Actually, I think it's a really bad idea. We tried it once and it was like--" And she doesn't want to listen to me because she thinks I'm a parent. She doesn't realize I'm disguised as a parent, right? [audience chuckle] 

 

So, she's got all these 3-year-olds to worry about. She heads into this room. The other chaperone, Christy, comes, tries to go and get a seat. I'm like, "No, Christy, you got to stay here. We have to protect the door." She's like, "I'm going to sit down." "No, no, Christy, stay right here. Catch these kids." She's like, "What are you talking about?" "Trust me, just stay here." The show starts, pith helmet comes out, he's talking, and then Jurassic Park enters. And it was like watching a Jiffy Pop, explode without the lid on. All these kids just start running at us. And I grab Ruthie and I got Max. I throw Naomi on my shoulder. [audience laughter] 

 

Shit, we're grabbing kids and I see Jacob sees sunlight between us. He's running to the crease and they have to like kick save him over to Christy [audience chuckle] and we're like, “I got all these kids” and we're like, "Let's go." And this is not slow motion. This is a 300-pound man running with 12 3-year-olds on him. [audience chuckle]

 

We get out of this room and then the teacher comes out, and she goes, "Yeah, you were right about that show." And we ride home on the bus. There was no B-I-N-G-O on that trip. [audience chuckle] Just dead silent. And we get home and I realize I failed as a parent teaching my daughter not to be afraid of museums. And I'm tucking her in thinking, "I'll see you in a few hours when the nightmares begin." [audience chuckle] And she looks at me and she says, "Daddy, thank you for taking me and being there with me at the bad place." [audience aww] And I realized, "Okay, the apple did fall close to the tree, but at least I was there to catch her."