Ophira Eisenberg - Jewish Santa

 

 

I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I have to do it, because I was obsessed. Some of you know this, but I was obsessed with Santa Claus as a child. And I'm Jewish. “Ophira Eisenberg, really? Are you not Japanese? Jewish?” “Yeah.” [audience laughter] I wanted to see Santa Claus so badly as a kid. I thought the one in the mall was the real thing. I hated Hanukkah, because Hanukkah sucks only in comparison to Christmas. It only sucks when you are in a public school, and you are the only Jew, and everyone else is doing Christmas, and you're the only one two weeks earlier, lighting a fucking candle. [audience laughter] Maybe your parents, if you're Jewish, gave you eight presents, but that is a choice. That is not in the Torah or the Talmud. [audience laughter] And our parents didn't do that. You just got socks one of the days, and it was random. [audience laughter] 

 

I wanted to go see Santa, because I wanted to get presents, and I knew that was the way to do it. And my mother would be like, “No, you can't go see Santa. We're Jewish.” And I would be like, “Well, who brings us presents?” [audience laughter] Because the answer, as far as I was concerned, was nobody. [audience laughter] But she would make shit up. She'd be like, “Moses.” [audience laughter] Like, “What?” She's like, “Oh yeah, Moses comes down the mountain every Hanukkah with a sack of dreidels.” I knew that was bullshit. 

 

So, we're at the mall one day, right close to Christmas. And that castle is amazing, right? The castle is amazing. All the characters are so happy, and the snow has sparkles in it. I realize what I can do is I can throw a fit, because my mother will be shamed. We don't look that Jewish. If I just throw a fit going, let me see Santa in the middle of a mall, she will look like the worst mother ever [audience laughter] and have to let me go. And so, I do that. And she goes, “Fine.” I'm just like, “I want to go see Santa,” crying and screaming. She goes, “Fine, go see Santa.” I can't believe it. I get in the line with all the other kids. But I don't say anything, because now I'm an undercover Christian and I don't want to blow it. [audience laughter] So, I'm very quiet. I just focus on the gift I want. I'm like, “Barbie Dreamhouse.” I'm just repeating, “That's all you have to say. Barbie Dreamhouse, that’s all you have to say. That is all you have to say.” 

 

And then, I get into the castle. A little elf hand beckons me in. And then, I sit on Santa's lap, which is creepy, because he's just a guy. Like, he's just a man. He's just an old guy. Very creepy. He leans down to me and he says, “What would you like for Christmas, little girl?” The best question ever. I looked up to him and I just went, “I'm Jewish.” [audience laughter] I fell apart. I couldn't handle it. I totally went off script. [audience laughter] He was like, “That's okay. So am I.” [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I didn't know what to do with that information, so I just kept repeating it, “Santa's Jewish, Santa's Jewish, Santa’s Jewish.” [audience laughter] And these mean elves came out of nowhere, and pushed me out of the castle, and kids were crying. I heard an elf in a walkie talkie going, “Code 9, Jew in a lap. Code 9, chew in a lap.” [audience laughter] And I ran out. My mother's there. It's chaos happening. I'm running towards her, and my mother's like, “What is going on?” I'm like, “Mom, I just found out Santa is Jewish.” [audience laughter] And my mother, without skipping a beat, goes, “Well, of course, he is. Who else do you think works on Christmas?” [audience laughter] There you go. That is my holiday tale.