Chris Bell - In the Face of Fear

 

It's 03:00 AM and I can't sleep, because I'm up wondering what I would do if my wife and two young kids were ever attacked by a grizzly bear. [audience laughter] I mean, would I have the courage to stand up to this beast and just do whatever I can do to protect them, or would fear hijack my decisions and cause me to freeze or even worse, run away? I don't know. And that's why this scenario has bothered me, haunted me, ever since the moment I first became a father. 

 

Fortunately, there aren't any grizzly bears in our neighborhood, [audience laughter] but there have been several break-ins and robberies. Our landlord worked the night shift, so he installed this big, fancy security system in his luxury apartment upstairs. But downstairs in our barely basic two-bedroom, I'm left to be my family's security system. So, when my wife tells me she saw a mouse scurry across the kitchen floor, I see it as an opportunity to prove myself. [audience laughter] 

 

The next day, I immediately go to the store and pick up one jar of premium organic peanut butter [audience chuckles] that's just like me, a little chunky. [audience laughter] And after everyone goes to sleep, I put a little bit of that peanut butter on a mousetrap and strategically place it in our kitchen. Now, this night, we're experiencing waves of heavy rain and wind. It looks like someone's throwing buckets of water against the window. When the wind hits the house, you can hear the walls creak and groan. Around 11 o'clock, I'm just watching the news, and pop, the electricity just goes out.

 

Sometime in the middle of the night, I wake up to a bang, and I remember, “Ah, my mousetrap.” So, I get up out of bed wearing nothing but my boxers, flick the light switch, and realize the power's still out. Then I hear it again. Bang, bang. So, now, I'm thinking the mouse must have got its tail caught in the trap, and it's running around the kitchen, slapping it on the walls and cabinets. [audience laughter] So, now, I'm rushing down the hall in my boxers in the dark, trying to get to this mouse before it tears up our kitchen. And right as I'm about to turn the corner, bang, bang, bang. And I stop. Because [chuckles] that doesn't sound like a mouse. That sounds like a rat. And a big one. [audience chuckles] 

 

So I go to the pantry and grab a broom and hold it like a spear from Wakanda, [audience laughter] because I know I got one shot to stab this before it tries to bite me. So, I carefully creep around the corner and leap into the kitchen, only to see my trap right where I left it, untouched. Now, I'm standing there, wondering what's making that noise. And from the kitchen door by my son's bedroom, bang, bang, bang. Startled, I turn around to look through the window to see the figure of a dark shape pounding on the door. That's when I realized it wasn't a mouse, it wasn't a rat. That's the sound of someone trying to break into our apartment.

 

And just then, my son comes out of his bedroom in his Batman pajamas. And behind me, I hear the footsteps of my wife and daughter coming down the hall. So, out of pure reflex, I turn the broom sideways and slam all my weight up against the door, trying to keep whoever wanted in out. But now, I'm close enough to see that there are actually three figures pressing to get in, and they're all bigger than I am. When they see me, they erupt into shouting. And this causes my daughter to scream and my son to burst into tears. 

 

At this point, my heart is beating like thunder, because I'm just going to be real, I was scared. This wasn't some imaginary grizzly bear. This was real. I knew if I couldn't keep this door shut, they would get in and possibly hurt my family. And that thought terrified me. But it was the feeling of fear that told my body, “You need to do something.” So, I closed my eyes and pressed my nose up against the window, so they could see my face clearly. I did the one thing that I felt would turn these intruders away. I gritted my teeth and I growled. [audience laughter] But I growled like I was delivering a contract written in my own blood that said if they dared cross this threshold, I will show them exactly how ferocious a protective parent can be. 

 

When I opened my eyes, the figures were now completely still, and the sound of their shouting was replaced by the soft sound of rain. But now, the figure up front revealed that he had his arms fully extended, revealing that there was only a thin pane of glass in between my chest and his gun. When I saw this, I just felt like I was frozen. And that's when I heard, "Sir, drop the stick," followed by my wife, "Babe, I think it's the police." [audience laughter] Five minutes later, three very wet police officers are standing in the center of our kitchen.

 

it turns out the wind from the storm shook the house so bad that it triggered one of the motion detectors from my landlord's security system upstairs. [audience laughter] This sent a still-silent alarm to the police station. So, when they responded, started pounding on doors and looking through windows, they saw me standing in the kitchen in my boxers, holding a broom as a weapon. [audience laughter] They thought they’d stumbled across a domestic situation. 

 

Eventually, I got to explain my side of the story. And after I did, the officer who pulled his service weapon stepped up and said, "So, you mean to tell me I almost shot you because you was trying to catch a mouse [audience laughter] with a broom? [audience laughter] Don't all you need is peanut butter and a trap?” [audience laughter] My wife is not going to believe this. [audience laughter]

 

15 years later, my young kids are now college students. And believe it or not, we have never been attacked by a grizzly bear. [audience laughter] But if you were to ask me the same question, what would I do? I'll still be real and say, I don't know. But after the night I tried to protect my family from a mouse, I am a little bit more certain that I wouldn't just run away. Thank you.