Melanie Kostrezwa - If This Hair Could Talk

 

So, my pediatrician tells me when I go to see her at my daughter’s one-month well-check appointment, “Melanie, you got to go to the hospital. I need you to get X-rays of Ivy’s skull, because something’s wrong and I’m going to tell you what’s going on in a minute.” And I’m like, “Well, I have a babysitter for 20 more minutes, so can I do it next week?” She goes, “Melanie, I’m serious. You need to go right now.” I’m like, “Okay, call the babysitter.” I go and I get these X-rays done and I’m like, “My baby’s a month old. What do you need X-rays for?” Sure, her head looks kind of funny, but that’s a little endearing to me. I think it’s adorable. 

 

So, my doctor calls me later that day and she goes, “Melanie, are you with your loved ones? Are you sitting down?” I’m like, “I’m with my three children all the time. One of them is eating right now, the other one’s sleeping right now. So, yes. What’s going on?” She goes, “Melanie, Ivy has a really rare condition called craniosynostosis. Basically, what this is, is her head was asymmetrically formed in utero. And what happens is the--" I’m going to get real technical. “But it’s basically like the plate tectonics theory in reverse order. You want their head to be open with these cranial sutures, so their brain can grow for the first two years of their life and then it comes together and forms the former Pangaea.” 

 

So, that’s how it made sense to me when they’re telling me this over the phone. So, I’m like, “Okay, so that’s cute.” Like, “I don’t know, is this a problem?” And she goes, “Yes, Melanie, it is. What Ivy has is a right coronal suture.” So, basically, Ivy’s eyes were completely asymmetrical. I didn’t know, I just thought it was like, “Oh, look at her little eyes.” Like, “This one’s small and that one’s really big. Oh, she’s so cute,” you know? She’s 10 pounds of baby that I’m analyzing her skull. And she goes, “What happened with Ivy is the right side of her head is completely flat, because that bone or that skull plate fused back in her head.” I was like, “Okay. So, what?” Like, “Does she have to wear one of those helmets? Because I could put like stickers on it.” [audience laughter] Like, “She’d be so cute with those little helmets with the little flowers and they put her name like Ivy and she’d be all the rage at parades. Like, think of the throws, you know?” [audience laughter]

 

And she goes, “Melanie, Ivy has to have surgery or her brain won’t grow.” When your daughter gets to have skull surgery, you get all the top doctors. I mean, you are celebrity status when you walk into the hospital. Ivy got her own neurosurgeon. She got her own-- and yes, at one month old, my daughter had her own plastic surgeon. And this plastic surgeon is a wonder with his hands. He was a little weird to talk to, but he was phenomenal when he helped my daughter. I go to the first appointment with the tag-team neurosurgeon and plastic surgeon holding my this-point two-month-old baby with my husband.

 

He goes, “I’m going to tell you about the surgery.” And I said, “Okay, great.” He goes, “Listen, this is what we do. We’re going to cut her head open. We’re going to cut her head open from ear to ear. And it’s going to look like headphones.” And I was like, “You mean like those little pods that go down?” He’s like, “No, like headphones.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” He was French-Canadian. I’m not saying anything about French-Canadians, [audience chuckle] but there was like a disconnect sometimes. I didn’t understand what he was saying. So, it’s like, “We’re going to cut her head.” I can do accents. I can’t do this guy. And sorry, he wouldn’t be here. [audience laughter] 

 

“So, I cut her head.” They’re going to cut her head open. And he’s like “And I will remove the forehead and I will break it and reshape it and I will put it back on using these really tiny screws that will dissolve over time. We’re going to stitch her up and she’s going to look like a prize fighter for about a month, but then she’ll be fine and she’ll grow.” And I’m like, “Say what? [audience laughter] Isn’t microsurgery really in now?” That just seemed quite invasive to me. And in my mind, I’m like, “You’re not touching her. She’s fine. She’s going to live with this wonky head and we are going to love her. We’re going to love her. good, because she’s Ivy, and she’s our baby, and you’re not going to cut her head open.” 

 

But my only question that I was able to say was, “So, are you going to shave her hair off?” And he goes, "Ma'am, I just told you I'm going to cut her head open. [audience laughter] I'm going to have to shave her head." And I go, "Sure, fine. Okay, whatever." I go home, and I'm like, “Good Lord.” Like, “I thought that was going to a well check. And they go and drop this bomb on me that Ivy has to have surgery.” So, the thing with this surgery is you have to wait. You have to wait until your daughter's a certain size or so, whatever. They can't be too tiny, because it's really invasive. It's major surgery. It's blood loss, it's blood transfusion, it's hemorrhaging, it's brain damage. It's all the risks, R-I-S-K. They have to tell these things to you. And I go, "Okay." 

 

I'm like, “Does she have to have the surgery? He goes, "Yes." And I said, "Don't tell me the risk.” Like, “If I have to do it, do it." And so, we had six months from finding out about Ivy to, well, find out about her condition to the day of the surgery. And those six months were just awesome, because I was like, “You know what? I read the risk and I'm not going to go over them again. I'm not going to think about them.” But because I know these risks, I know that every day I get to spend with her is precious, because I really don't know what's going to happen come June 19th at 2 o'clock when they tell me it's over or it's over. 

 

I just spend that time like, "Oh, man, attachment parenting." Like, “That girl was never set down. She cried for nothing. She got fed whenever she wanted. She was Ivy, and we all loved her.” But every night, I would think I would play it through my head. I like to be prepared and this is something I was not prepared for. At night, I would think, what am I going to say to the doctor when he comes out and says, “Ivy did great. She's amazing." And I'll go, "Yes, she is. Where is she?" That's what I was going to say. But then, I also ran through the possibility of like, “Crap, I'm going to have to tell her sisters, Avery and Eliza. I'm going to have to tell her that she didn't make it.” That's going to be really hard to do.” And so, day of the surgery comes, and we are prepared and we're ready.

 

And eight hours later, eight hours, they're working on my baby. They come out, or eight hours and we're waiting for the results of this cranial reconstructive open suture, details, details, details surgery. I'm just ready for anything, you know? And the doctor or the nurse comes to the door and says, "Can I have these parents come back here?" I watch TV, and I know that's not good, because on TV, they come out if it's good news, they pull you back, if it's bad news. And so, I get it from the chair and I'm like, “I have to have that conversation with Avery and Eliza. I have to tell them their sister didn't make it.”

 

I'm so sad about that, I can't even pay attention to the fact that I'm walking through the store and the surgeon comes down the hall and I'm like, “Where's the chaplain? I don't know what's going on.” And he goes, "Ivy did great. No, no, no. Ivy's over there. She's fine. I'm literally removing a cleft palate in the other room, but she's fine.” And I'm like, [chuckles] “You French-Canadians.” [audience laughter] I proceed to see Ivy. She's just sitting on this huge table, and she looks exactly the same. And I'm like, “That was eight hours.” [audience laughter] But little did I know she would continue to develop and the swelling would go down. But I was like, “God, she's so beautiful. Man, she got prettier. What you all do?”

 

They removed this towel, and I see her scar for the first time. They weren't joking. It was literally from one ear swirly line to the other ear. It was thick and it was bloody and it was scary, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And that night, I got to stay with her in the PICU at Children's Hospital. It was easily, easily the best day of my life. So, the next morning, the neurosurgeon comes in and says, "Hey, how's it going?" And I'm like, “Something profound. Say something profound. She saved your daughter's life.” “Hey,” that's all I said. [audience laughter] And I said, [chuckles] "What's going on?" And she goes, "Ivy looks great." And I said, "Yeah, I have a question. Why didn't you shave her hair?” Like, “She still has her hair."

 

And she goes, "Oh, Dr. St. Hilaire, the plastic surgeon, he is such a sucker for little baby girls. He will do anything he can to not shave their hair. He has five daughters, so he gets it." I'm like, "I don't know what he gets, but--" I was like, “Really?” Like, “He thought of that.” Like, “He was opening up my daughter's skull, touching her brain, completely changing the way she looked and he thought about not shaving her hair." And so, I think about Ivy's hair now, and how it's growing and how it covers her scar that you can barely see anymore. And I'm like, "Man, if that hair could talk, it would tell literally the greatest story of the bravest girl in the world." Thank you [sobs].