Click here to download the transcript from I Don't Do Sexy.

My sex life is a comedy. Like a lot of people, I use humor to handle difficult situations. And when I met my husband Dan in 2002, I was recovering from both a sexual assault and twenty years as a Catholic. So, sex was definitely a difficult situation. So, as the relationship progressed and sex entered the picture, it wasn't long before what Dan ironically refers to as "sexy time" involved using body parts, microphones, tap-dancing, bad stand-up comedy. I developed a habit of including, "You've been a wonderful audience. Don't forget to tip to your server," into every interaction.  

So, I don't do sexy, unless skits and musical numbers are your kind of foreplay and they're really not for Dan. But he's a good sport about it. I think A. Because he thinks it's funny in spite of himself. And 2. because there's also sex. But he's the sort of person that makes me want to be a better person and a better wife. And a better wife would do sexy instead of going full on "court jester" every time we take our clothes off. But I am in way over my head when it comes to sexy. I don't know how you do it. I don't know what it looks like on me. But I thought I found the answers last winter when my friend Michelle mentioned how much she was enjoying her pole dancing classes. And the lightbulb went on. And then a Groupon showed up in my email the next day. And I thought, “That's a sign, right?” 

So, we make plans to go to this pole dancing class on a Friday night. And being the librarian that I am, I'm like I need to do some research on this. And so, I go to the website and I learn four things. From the class description, I learn that everybody gets sexy in there no matter how awkward or shy you are to start with. Score! The beginner should wear long pants to avoid any kind of pole-burn situation. That they serve cocktails there, which seems really weird for a workout place. And that they also have a very strict cancellation policy, which is good to know when Friday morning rolls around and Michelle cancels and it's too late for me to cancel without losing one of those Groupon classes. And I'm also kind of thinking maybe this will be easier if nobody I know is there to witness this.  

So, I decide to go by myself, which I realize when I get there is a really bad idea. I go into the locker room where I'm swallowed up by two very large and boisterous bachelorette parties. And it gets even worse when I go into the class where it's 1992 and I'm at a casting call for a Sir Mix-A Lot video. There are a lot of very buxom women in crop tops and shiny hot pants. Whereas I had chosen to take the website's advice to the letter and was wearing long pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt in sensible cotton fabrics. So, then our teacher comes in and she looks like this kind of stripper Barbie and she puts on this really loud music that I can't hear anything over and starts a warm up. And when I say warm up, I mean spreading your legs, spanking your ass, making sexy eyes at yourself in the mirror while you flip your hair around. Or that's what everybody else was doing while I did this Frankenstein-robot-deer-in-the-headlights pantomimed puppet show. And then she starts showing us some moves on the pole and spinning around. And mostly just making myself dizzy. But I think I'm finally getting it when we get to “The Fireman,” which is exactly what it sounds like but with ass-spankin' on the end.  And she says something to me and I'm like, "Oh, she looks impressed," I want to hear this. But I can't hear over the deafening music and so I'm like, "Whaaat?" 

And she's like, "What's your name?"  

And I was like "Oh! Oh, my name's Amy!"  

And she's like clasps her hands together and cocks her head to the side and gives me this really indulgent smile like you would give a toddler that just said something kinda cute but really dumb. And she says, "Oh, you're sweet." 

It said on the website "Everybody." You know, everybody gets sexy in there. But stripper Barbie just broke the news to this woman who looks like a twelve-year-old Amish boy that that was not happening for her. So, you know the thing about trying new things and opening yourself to new experiences is that some of them really profoundly change your life and make you a better person, and others tell you who you are not. And I am not a pole dancer. 

So, I finished the class and I have a lot more fun after that because I'm like, "I don't need to try to be sexy anymore because that's not happenin'." And, I'm high fivein' these sexy stripper ladies and finish up the class. I don't use the other two classes with my Groupon. And I go home and I tell Dan about it and he's very proud of me for just going and trying and still foolishly optimistic that I'm going to find sexy someday. And we have a really good laugh about it that night and Dan has a really good laugh about it. But when the laughter dies down... You've been a wonderful audience! Don't forget to tip your server.