Jill Donnelly - How to (Not) Stop a Wedding

 

 

Hi. Okay. This is a story about sabotaging your favorite person. So, you know how we all have our favorite people. Like, there are a lot of people you love and like and see on a regular basis. But then, there's this super category of like your favorites. My dad has always been way up there, way up in the favorite category. The moment I was born, I was like, "Who's that guy? He seems like a keeper. Keep him around.” He's great. He's great. He's the best. He's like a great combination of like upstanding and really goofy, which I think is a great combo. He's a little history. He's like a computer guy, lives in Upstate New York, real shy. He drove a minivan until he got a Prius. He's kind of that guy. And he's my favorite person. 

 

When I was four years old, my parents got a good divorce and they had joint-joint custody, So, one week, one week, one week. And the weeks at my dad's were fun. They involved a ton of Star Trek and Danger Bay. I don't know if anyone remembers that show. Really exciting show. A lot of peanut butter and fluffernutter sandwiches. The best part was like a ton of Motown. So, that was a favorite activity. My dad, my brother, and I would put on like the Big Chill album and do a lot of dancing and singing. 

 

We had a song that was our song, which was the song My Girl, you know like dun dun dun. I promise I won't sing too long. “I got sunshine.” And when it got to My girl. My girl, my dad would always put our names in a weird way like, "Jill-o, Mikey.” Like, goofy. It was really great, guys. It was a really great life. [audience laughter] 

 

But then, my dad met someone, Jean. Okay, well, right from the get-go, not a big fan. I was not a big fan. She had never ears pierced. [audience laughter] She was more of a dog person than a cat person. Although, truth be told, she's also a cat person, so I can't, you know-- But at the time, I was like, “This is bad.” She always could tell when I was lying, even about little things. I'd be like, "I ate my yogurt," and she'd be like, "You're lying," and I was. She could always tell the lies, so we didn't hit it off. But I thought she was a passing fad. My dad, however, did not. My dad was really into her. They had all the same politics, and they really had so many great inside jokes, and they just really fell in love. 

 

So, two years into dating, Jean moves in, and my war of sabotage began. So, Jean and my father are both Catholic, I am Jewish, that's a different story. And so, I decided to wait until the spring that year, and I sat my dad down and I said, "You know, Dad, you say for Lent you should really give up something-- You know, means something to you. I think this year, it might have to be Jean. [audience laughter] I really think that's the right Catholic thing to do. I don't know, I'm Jewish, but do it, okay?" And he was like, "No, I'm not doing that." [audience laughter] 

 

So, then they got engaged, and I was like, "Okay, we got to amp-up the resistance a little more." So, I sat them both down and I said, "Listen, guys, I really don't think you should get married. I'm having these really terrible dreams about ruining your wedding. [audience laughter] In the dreams, the priest is like, 'Speak now or forever hold your peace.' And I scream and I ruin it. Don't do it. Just hold off until I'm a little older.’" And Jean was like, "Are you lying?" And I was like, "Yes." [audience laughter] 

 

So, the day the wedding comes. I'm nine years old, I'm dressed in pink. It was the day of the wedding, the only thing left to do was to ruin their photos. So, every time I felt like-- [chuckles] I really do feel terrible about this. But every time the camera was on me, every time I felt like the photographer was nearby, I would like look real mean or fake cry or something just so there would be documentation of how much I disliked what was happening. [audience laughter] 

 

But the wedding happened despite my best efforts. We went to the reception. And as I watched them dance their first dance, I had to put up the white flag. I realized I had lost. It's not that I thought my parents would ever get back together. I knew that that was a no-go. But I had lost this great wacky bachelor whose only thing in life was his kids, whose favorite thing in life was his kids. 

 

And this time, I cried for real. Watching them dance, I couldn't stand it, so I started to walk back to the kids' table when suddenly I heard, Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun , dun, dun. I got sunshine. My brother grabbed my hand and we ran out onto the floor. My shy Trekkie dad danced his heart out with his kids in front of all of our family and friends. That was 21 years ago. They are still married. In fact, this morning, they sent me a little video, my dad and Jean of them-- It was my birthday. It's my birthday, guys. [chuckles] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Don't let that influence your score, okay? [audience laughter] I didn't want to tell you. So, they sent me a video this morning of both of them singing Happy Birthday in old-timey voices. Like, they're doing great. What I've realized is I didn't lose my dad. He's always been there. He just got happier. Thank you.