Rachel Dratch - Horsemeat

 

Hi. Okay, so, I was on Saturday Night Live for seven years, and my contract was up, and I was supposed to star in a new show called 30 Rock in the role of Jenna. [audience laughter] Have you guys seen 30 Rock? Yeah, I'm not Jenna. [audience laughter] So, everything started to dry up, and I wasn't getting any jobs, any auditions, and I decided, you know what? I am not going to sit around and just mope around my apartment. I am going to take this time to do all the things that I didn't have time to do when I was a working actor. So, I did all those little things on my list. Like, I actually took Spanish class, that kind of stuff. I dog-sat for my friend's dog. I was a dog owner for a month, because I wouldn't have had time to do that if I was a TV star. [audience laughter] And then, I decided to take on the biggest challenge of all. I decided to try dating in New York. 

 

Now, I had never actually really been on a real date before. I mean, probably a little bit, but not a lot of dates where you're like, "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" that kind of thing. [audience chuckles] My dating life consisted mainly of meeting someone in your workplace, in my case that was comedy, dating them, and then three months into it, finding out they were an addict of some sort, alcohol, pot, sex addict. Not with me, mind you, but a sex addict, [audience laughter] and then dating them for a whole other year before it just had a tragic demise. 

 

So, I decided that if I was going to go on some real dates and go out and meet people, that I was going to have to get out of my comfort zones, which were keeping me from dating. The first comfort zone was just hanging out with comedy dudes who you work with and that you can flirt with all night, and they're like your fake boyfriend, but then you always go home alone. [audience laughter] Or, the second one was just like going out to dinner with your girlfriends in New York, which you can do every night and not meet anybody new. And then, my third one was hanging out with my gay man friends, going to a Broadway show and cocktails or something. [audience laughter] So, I was like, “I need to stop hanging out in my comfort zone.” So, imagine my happiness when I got invited to this party from this guy who was hosting it, who I met at Burning Man. [audience cheers and applause]

 

Yeah. The fact that I went to Burning Man is a whole other story, that's for another night. But so, I was all excited about this party, because this guy, he went to Stanford and he was in business. And I was like, “This is so not my crowd.” I mean, it's my crowd in my fantasy world, but it's not my crowd in my New York life. So, I was like, “Yes, I'm going to go to this party and really try to get out and meet people.” So, actually, I was challenged, because about two nights before the party, I was invited to go for free to Billy Elliot with my gay friend Chris. But I was like, “No, Rachel, you cannot go to the Broadway show. You have to go to this party.” So, I went to the party. 

 

Almost immediately, I was rewarded for stepping out of the comfort zone. Because my friend, who I was supposed to meet there, was late, so that forced me to talk to strangers. I'm pretty shy, actually. I was just standing by the-- I didn't know anyone at this party. I was standing by the little hors d'oeuvre table, and this guy walked up and I was like, "Hi." Now, for me, that's huge, [audience laughter] that I actually initiated. And so, we started chatting. This guy, he was really cute, and he was a scientist, , which I was like, “That's so cool.” Someone else might meet an actor and think, "That's so cool," but I'm like, "Oh, you have a regular job." [audience chuckles] 

 

So, he was funny. Actually, at one point I asked, I was like, "What's your name?" He had just put some food in his mouth, so he's like, "Hold on a second," and then he was like, "I know what you do, and I think you'd have better timing than that." I thought that was kind of cool. He was like, “I recognize you, but I'm not going to really say it.” [audience laughter] So, anyway, okay. So, we're just totally hitting it off. This guy, like I said, he was smart. And then, it turns out he spoke fluent Japanese. I was like, "Whoo." [audience laughter] So, I was just on board.

 

It all happened like it does, these dates I've seen on TV or the movies, but never in my life. Because this guy, like, we're just talking about our favorite restaurants in New York, and I said mine, he's like, "Oh, we should go there sometime. Give me your number." It was like, “What?” [audience laughter] So, it was all so smooth and natural, and it was all working just, like, on TV. So, I was all excited. Oh, for the purpose of the story, this guy's name was Steve, but his real name was Brent. [audience laughter] 

 

So, the next morning I woke up and I was like, "Oh" I was like, “Well, who knows if he'll really call.” Well, he texted me at noon the next day. I was like, “That is good. Noon.” [audience laughter] And he was like, "Do you want to go out Friday or Saturday night?" I was like, “Friday or Saturday.” Those are real date nights. That's not like, "Want to meet up Monday at 10:00 and after?" It was like, no, Friday or Saturday. [audience laughter] So, I was all excited about this. So, I was just so happy that week. I had the potential of love in my life, and I was just like, “Doo-do-do- do-do.” 

 

So, we're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then on Thursday, I went to Trader Joe's and disaster struck, because I picked up a gro-- I was checking out, picked up my grocery bag. It wasn't even a heavy bag at all, I don't know what the hell was happening. But I picked up this bag and my whole back went out. It was like sproing. [audience laughter] So, I had to walk home like this, like an old lady. I was thinking, the first thing was like, "Oh, no, this date is in two nights from now." And I was like, "Does God not want me to date? Why is this happening the only time I'm excited?" 

 

Now, this back thing had only happened one other time in my life, and that was back when I was on SNL. It was the read-through, which is like, everyone's around, the cast, the host, Lorne Michaels, the whole staff is in this one room. I was walking back to my chair during the break, and I stumbled, like, nothing major, but my whole back really went out that time. I couldn't move. I was on the floor and I was writhing-- It was like a charley horse but up your whole back. So, I was like, ooh. I couldn't even move an inch that time. So, they were like, "Does anyone have any pain medication? Does anyone have muscle relaxants?" 

 

Now, if this had been the 1970s, it would have been a pile of pills [audience laughter] thrown on the table. It was clean-living time now. So, nobody had any-- The host was Johnny Knoxville. [audience laughter] Even he didn't have any. He said they were back in his hotel room. [audience laughter] So, they had to send down for the NBC doctor. I was paralyzed. I happened to fall so my head was kind of under the conference table. Well, eventually there was no point in just waiting for me, because I was there, stuck. So, they just started the read-through up again. [audience laughter] Someone else was reading my parts. I was just like, ooh. I was squeezing the doctor's hand. Every so often Lorne would be like, "Is Rachel okay down there?" They'd be like, "No, she still can't talk." So, anyway, that took two hours to recover from.

 

So, I was so dreading this date, because I was like, “What if that happens on the date,” and I'm in some East Village restaurant and I have to be carted off in an ambulance or something? It would be so embarrassing. So, Saturday, day of the date, comes along and my back still isn't better. So, a friend of mine's like, "Well, what about acupuncture?" I was looking for a miracle, because I was so excited about this guy. So, I started to call up some acupuncturists on a Saturday to see, "Can you take me in two hours?" And so, none of the ones that were recommended could take me. So, then I went to the acupuncturist that was not recommended. [audience laughter] I'd like to tell you all that that is a business you want a reference. [audience laughter] Don't do the walk-in on the acupuncture.

 

I went to one of those Chinese storefront joints that my friend Chris. He'd gotten 

massages there. I'd actually met the doctor of Eastern medicine there. He looked like a good guy. So, he's like, “They can see you.” So, I went in there. Well, that guy was nowhere to be found. It was this woman sitting there in a chair, and I was like, “Oh no. No, this is not going to be good.” But I went through with it, I did not follow my gut. I'm still convinced that she was just a masseuse who they let do acupuncture on the weekends. Because she led me back those curtains. Another thing you don't want in a medical establishment is the smell of cat pee. [audience laughter] That's just another little tip for you. [chuckles] 

 

So, she brought me back in the curtains. And I was like, "I'm kind of nervous." She's like, "Don't be nervous." [audience laughter] She stuck two nee-- First needle, back of the knee. You might think they'd ease you in a little bit, but no, it was like, back of the knee. It hurt so much, like, I don't think it was supposed to hurt that much. The back was fine, but the back of the knee and the inside of the ankle were the two killers. She'd come by every so often and twist them. The pain would shoot up my leg, and I was going-- I was like, "Not the knee, not the knee!" [audience laughter] There were just curtains of people getting massages, just hearing, “Not the knee.” [audience laughter] 

 

Anyway, it didn't help at all. My back was still the same. But now, I had this nausea of thinking of the knee needles, so I had to fight that off. Anyway, so, I go on the date, and I wasn't 100% feeling good. So, we didn't have that same sparkly rapport that we had the first night, because I was in pain. But I told him my back hurt, but I didn't want to be like, "I have back problems." [audience laughter] So, I didn't really go into so much detail about it. [chuckles] I was trying to sit comfortably. So, it went okay. So, then we said, “Okay, we'll go out again.” He was going away on business, and we decided we'd see each other again. 

 

So, I did have two little red flags about this guy, but I decided I'm not going to tell my friends about these red flags, because what if it turns out to be nothing, and then I end up marrying this guy, and then I don't want some friend asking about that red flag again. [audience laughter] So, the first red flag was just alcohol. He just drank a lot that night. [audience laughter] I was still nursing glasses of wine, but he-- We ordered a bottle of wine at the table, and he drank basically the whole bottle of wine, and then we went somewhere else for cocktails. He had nine drinks that night. But I was willing to give it a pass. [audience laughter] I was like, “Maybe he's nervous.” So, anyway, okay. Oh, but you know what? The red flag was not, whatever. It kept growing, because he emailed me from his business trip being like, "Well, my liver needs a break after these business trips." And then, he was, like, “Spending every night at my friend's whiskey bar,” and I was just thinking, “Oh, well, I'm still going to ignore it, though.” Okay.

 

So, then he gets back, on a Wednesday, he asked me out for a Friday night. I was rehearsing this musical. I hadn't heard from him all day on Friday. So, I text him at 06:00 PM, finally, I'm still at this rehearsal. I was like, "Hey, what's up for tonight?" Well, I get a text back from him, not a phone call, mind you, I get a text back and it said, "Busy with this work thing. Maybe I'll see you when you get back from L.A." That was two months from now. Two months from now. So, basically, I got face-plant. I was just so shocked that he just asked me out, but now he's blowing me off. I felt like, just like he'd asked me out movie-style, and I was so excited, I was getting blown off movie-style now. It was like that harsh, like being so stood up, basically, like I'd only seen in the movies, now it was happening to me.

 

I was really upset about it, too. But then, now that I knew that we weren't really going to be dating and we weren't even making out, I was free to tell my friends about the other red flag. [audience chuckles] So, when we were at this bar, he said that when he was traveling in Japan, he ate at this restaurant that only served horse meat. I was like, "Oh, horse meat." But he was like, "No, it's the most delicious meat you'll ever try." [audience laughter] Like, he was just reveling in it. 

 

I was thinking that's not so good to tell a woman on your first date that you're really into horse meat. Because what if I was one of those girls who had the plastic horse statues growing up? I wasn't, but what if I was. It just seems like not a thing to really tell a woman like, "I'm really into horse meat." [audience laughter] [chuckles] I'm still reeling from that, and he said, "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to taste human flesh?" [audience laughter] He didn't say it like how you might say, some parlor game like, "Would you rather walk 10 miles in the snow or eat human flesh?" [audience laughter] No. It was like he had given it some thought. He was seeking out the opportunity somewhere. Maybe there was a restaurant somewhere in the world. 

 

It just kind of the phrase Silence of the Lambs popped into my head when he said that. And I was like, "No." And he's like, "Really? Wouldn't you just be curious?" And I said, "No, because I would just be wondering, who is this and how did they end up on my plate?" [audience laughter] [chuckles] Anyway, so, then I thought, well, you know what? Maybe it's not that God doesn't want me to date. Maybe God sprung up my back, so that I could avoid dating this guy, this alcoholic cannibal for [audience laughter] a whole year, wasting another year of my life on that. So, I got on a plane to L.A., where I was going to go do this musical, and there I was rehearsing the musical surrounded by gay men. I was back in my comfort zone. I thought I'd stay there for a while. Thank you.