Leanna House - Here’s Looking at You

 

 

So, the best thing I bought before my mastectomy was googly eyes. I got this idea, because I was trying to explain internet rule number 34 to my Gen X sister. [audience laughter] Some people know what that is. It's if there is porn of it or if it exists, there is porn of it. I google mastectomy porn, because I'm going to have a mastectomy in a month. So, I google that. Don't do that. Don't google this. [ audience laughter] But the first result that wasn't porn is a YouTube video by an actress that has breast cancer. And the video is 5 Weird Reasons Why I Love My Mastectomy. 

 

Now, she's hilarious. So, it's not, surgery saved my life or you can't have breast cancer if you have no breasts. No, it's Facebook can't censor your topless photos, because no nipples, right? [audience laughter] Or, you can turn your boob into a nightlight. You really can. So, one of her reasons was, you can turn your boob into a muppet with the application of googly eyes. [audience laughter] So, I think about, who can I make the most uncomfortable by doing this? [audience laughter] 

 

So, my first post-op appointment with my new plastic surgeon. [audience laughter] I go in and we're talking about opioids, we're talking about pain. And he's like, “Hey, can I check out your surgical scar?” “Yes, you can” [audience laughter] He's a professional. Keep this in mind. He's really good at maintaining eye contact, because he does a lot of breast surgery. So, I'm unbuttoning my shirt, and I can see in his eyes when he catches a glimpse out of his peripheral vision. [audience laughter] Because I have my boob that did not have a mastectomy, has a nipple nose and a big highlighter smile. It's bright pink.

 

And the other boob, it's like a crooked diagonal scar and it has-- It's an incision, so it has surgical tape. It does not look happy, the boob. It's the bad boob though, so of course, it's not happy. So, he looks at me and he's like, “What is this?” [audience laughter] I'm like, “I have a happy boob and I have a sad boob.” [audience laughter] He's like, “Why is your boob sad?” I'm like, “You're going to stab her with a huge needle.” [audience laughter] He is unflappable. He is a professional. So, he just gets onto the stabbing. 

 

As he's putting the needle in, I ask him, “Is it harder when my boob is looking at you?” [audience laughter] And I crack myself up. He had to tell me to stop laughing, because he had to do a procedure. So, after that, I tell him, “You know, we haven't done any progress pics.” I had told him that I want to be the pictures that he shows for the best possible outcome for a mastectomy and reconstruction. He looks at me like I'm a crazy person and he says, “These go in your medical record.” I'm like, “Yeah. No, I know.” And he's like, “A lot of people see your medical record.” Like, “All of your doctors. You see a lot of doctors. Every appointment that you go to, they're going to see these pictures.” I'm like, “I think a lot of people should see this, don't you?” [audience laughter] 

 

So, in my medical record, there is a picture of my googly eyed boobs with one happy boob and one sad boob. The nurse loved it. She actually got me a marker [audience laughter] to make sure the smile was darker. So, I wanted pictures, because it's hilarious. I mean, what's funnier than a mastectomy boob with googly eyes? Nothing. Nothing is funnier. But also, I know a lot of people who think that because cancer is ugly, that makes us ugly. 

 

I know women who will not take pictures when they are bald from chemo. I know a woman who her husband has not seen her without a wig. I know women who can't look in the mirror, because they're ugly. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to censor this, because I have a scar, because something horrible happened to me, and I healed from it. It's a miracle. It's a miracle that we heal from things like this. [audience applause]

 

So, my body is beautiful, because it's the one that I live in, and it's the one that allows me to experience all of the wonderful and terrible things that go along with living in this world. And if you cannot make your scars beautiful, invest in googly eyes and make them hilarious, because that's the next best thing.