Jane Green - Greener Grass

 

So, I am not really a girls' night out kind of a girl. But when some friends invited me for drinks and dinner in the city, I said “Yes.” I needed a break from the monotony, and I needed honestly to dress up and feel pretty. So, I took the Metro-North in from my home in the suburbs, and I got out at 48th and Park in the middle of rush hour.

 

And as I was walking along Park Avenue, I realized there was a sea of men in suits walking towards me. I'm feeling pretty good, and I'm walking along, and I suddenly realized that not a single man even glanced at me. It struck me that at 44, and I was 44 at the time, I had become completely invisible.

 

I was happily married. I was immersed in being a wife, a mother, and occasionally a writer. Despite the monotony of deepest, darkest suburbia and running around after five children, two dogs, five cats, and 17 chickens, [audience chuckles] life was good. [audience chuckles] Life was settled, and safe, and warm. Life was what my husband always called pots and pans. I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me, but scratched the surface.

 

And in fact, we were going through something of a rough patch. We had no energy and we'd forgotten to nurture our relationship. In fact, we'd forgotten to pay attention to each other. We were exhausted. I used to say that a good night was being in bed by 09:00, but a great night was being in bed by 08:00. [audience chuckles] And the highlight of our month was Chinese takeout, and I wasn't really happy.

 

A little while after the girls' night out, I was invited to take part on a book panel in California. And before the event, I was sitting in the hotel bar. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a young dark-haired man come and sit next to me at the bar. I suddenly realized that he was one of the other authors doing this event, so I turned and introduced myself to him. I was instantly struck by how handsome he was. He had an amused twinkle in his eye that was instantly disconcerting. We started talking. We talked about books, and writing, and publishing, and then we skipped the small talk and we went straight to the real stuff, to relationships and feelings and life. He was sweet, and winsome, and brilliant.

 

It was the kind of conversation that you can only really have in a hotel bar with a stranger when you don't know each other and you can reveal things that you wouldn't ordinarily reveal. I remember looking at his face, at his skin, and thinking, God, you are so young, and God, you are so handsome. At a certain point in our conversation, I thought, am I going crazy or is he flirting with me? Is this chemistry between us? And then, I thought, Jane, don't be ridiculous. You are almost old enough to be his mother. And I decided we're just having a lovely chat.

 

We went inside for the event. We all sat behind this long table on a stage. He was the first one up behind the podium, and he stood up and he said, "I was just sitting in the hotel bar with a very lovely woman. And when I told her that I didn't know what to talk about, she said, 'Oh, just tell funny stories and talk about celebrities.'" And I died. [audience laughter] I sank my head into my hands. I turned bright red, and my ears were buzzing with mortification because it was true, I had said that, but only halfway joking. But all I could think about was he said, "Very lovely woman." [audience chuckles] He said, "Very lovely woman."

 

It was my turn next. And I stood up. And just as I was about to start talking, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned, and there was the author standing on stage with his arms outstretched for a hug of apology. And so, I stepped into the hug. And there I was on stage in front of hundreds of people, hugging a man I didn't know, thinking, what on earth is going on here? He asked what I was doing after the event, and I had a meeting and then I was leaving. So, he gave me his book. I took that book home and I kept thinking, what was that? Was that flirting? Am I so entrenched in middle age that I have completely forgotten what it's like?

 

Three days later, I left for London for a book tour, and I brought his book with me on the plane. By the time I landed in London, I had read his book, and I sent him an email. I said I thought it was a terrifying story, brilliantly told. And he wrote back immediately and said, "If you don't mail me your book, I'm going to come to your house and stand outside your window like John Cusack in Say Anything." [audience laughter] I hadn't seen that movie, but you can bet that within the hour I had. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

And that scene, which is one of the great romantic scenes in movie history. John Cusack is standing outside this girl's window with a boombox, has a soundtrack which is Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. I listened to that song over and over and over, [audience laughter] trying to decipher it, trying to determine whether there was a hidden meaning in the lyrics. [audience chuckles] That one email made me feel alive for the first time in years. I sashayed through the streets of London feeling vibrant, and sexy, and gorgeous. I felt like a completely different woman.

 

We emailed back and forth throughout that trip, and every time I saw his name in my inbox, I felt a small thrill, the tiniest of flutters. It felt safe. He lived on the other side of the country. His emails made me feel beautiful. They made me feel desirable. All he'd have to do was send me three lines and start it with "My sweet lady, Jane," and I would be putty for the rest of the day. Is this how affairs start? I thought. Not for me. I would never have an affair. Much to my dismay, his emails quickly dropped off. He still wrote occasionally. When I'd see his name in my inbox, I still felt the tiniest of flutters. But the truth is, life got busy and better, but I missed the excitement.

 

A little while later, my publishers phoned me up and said, "We have an event for you in LA, so we're going to send you out to LA." And I thought, [gasps] LA? Young, handsome author is in LA. So, I got in touch and said, "Hey, I'm coming to town." He said, "Great, let's get together." So, we made a plan. I went and found my husband and I said, "Darling, I have to go to LA on September 4th." He said, "September 4th?" I said, "Yes." He said, "I don't think so." I said, "Excuse me." I was affronted. He said, "Jane, you're not going to LA on September 4th." 

 

And I was outraged. I think I actually said, "This is my career. I'm going to LA. My publishers want to send me, and I'm going." And he said, "Jane, September 4th, it's my birthday." And I felt horrible. I felt terrible. Not only had I forgotten my husband's birthday, I was planning on spending that day flirting my ass off with somebody else. [audience laughter] "I could come with you," said my husband. [audience laughter] We'll make a weekend out of it." I stared at my husband like a deer caught in the headlights. 

 

So, my husband comes to LA. [audience laughter] And on the morning of our date, because my husband is now coming on my date, I spend an awful lot of time deciding what to wear. And by the way, my husband knows about this author, because shortly after I met him at that book conference, we did meet for a quick drink in New York. When I got home at the end of the night, buzzed from martinis and flirting, my husband took one look at me and said, "Oh-oh, my wife has a crush," which I furiously denied. [audience chuckles] 

 

So, we go to the restaurant. As we walk up, I see the author sitting outside on the bench. He's still impossibly handsome and cool, and he's got his sleeves rolled up, and he's wearing aviators. We say hello, [audience chuckles] and we go into the restaurant, and we sit down, and I say nothing. Because my husband and the author are getting on like a house on fire. [audience laughter] And at one point, the author excuses himself to go to the bathroom. My husband looks at me and says, "Wow, he's the best-looking man I've ever seen." [audience laughter] 

 

So, he comes back and suggests we all go for a walk along the canals in Venice. And before we go, we stop at his house for him to get changed. I get to see the greener grass, and I get to see his house, and it's beautiful, it's very modern and sparse and serene. I think of my own house with cats, and dogs, and children, and a chicken on every surface, [audience chuckles] and piles of papers everywhere and noise and mess and chaos.

 

So, we set off for our walk. It's a blisteringly hot day. And within 10 minutes, there are beads of sweat on my forehead. My hair has frizzed up into what is effectively a cloud of cotton candy, [audience chuckles] and the jeans, which were already two sizes too small, now feel four sizes too small. And the sandals, the sandals that I had bought specifically for the brunch, because they said, "Hey, I'm casual, I haven't made too much of an effort, but I'm sexy," [audience laughter] it turns out those sandals were built for brunching, not for walking. 

 

So, I'm walking along 15-feet behind my husband and the author. [audience chuckles] They are heads together, and there is the major man love going on. [audience chuckles] And 15 feet behind them I'm limping along miserably [audience chuckles] with blisters forming, and I'm hot, and I'm sticky, and I'm sweaty, and I'm sore. And all I can think is it bloody well serves me right. [audience aw] And that night, I looked at my husband, at his salty sea dog gray beard and his big comforting hands, and the way he has brought so much kindness and stability and love into my life, and I felt ashamed.

 

A friend of mine once told me that the grass is greener where you water it. And I had forgotten to water the grass. The next day, the author sent me an email and he said, "Your husband's great. He's smart, and handsome, and lovely." And I thought, yes, he is absolutely right. Thank you.