Faye Lane - Green Bean Queen

 

 

"Fatty, fatty two by four, couldn't get through the bathroom door." When I was in the third grade, I heard that song almost every single day. And it just about broke my heart because what I wanted more than anything in the world was to be a beauty queen, to be special. Because I grew up in my mother's beauty shop in Texas. It was this old A-frame house with big mirrors and swivel chairs in the front room, and shampoo bowls in the old back bedroom. And my mom saw the same ladies’ week after week after week. So, it was as if I had this constant stream of overly indulgent grandmothers which might actually kind of explain the fat thing.

 

"Baby, you want a moon pie? Okay, go look down in the bottom of my purse. There's a banana moon pie with your name on it. But be careful, because my gun is in there, and I don't know if the safety's on." [audience chuckle] [giggles]

 

No matter how bad the teasing got at school, and it got bad, the beauty shop ladies could always make me feel better. "Well, I like teasing. Your mama's teasing my hair right now. In fact, if it wasn't for teasing, my hair would be just as flat as a pancake." My favorite beauty shop lady was Miss Helen. She would say, "Baby, don't you listen to those horrible children. They're just jealous. You're not one bit fat. You're just voluptuous. And you can sing like a little bird. Can they sing? I bet they can't sing." 

 

Sometimes I would sit under the dryer next to Miss Helen, and I would pat her soft arms and knead them like dough. And we would talk about things. We would mostly talk about food because she loved food the way I loved food. And she would say, "Baby, all I need in this world is a glass of buttermilk and a warm piece of cornbread." So, one day I said, "Miss Helen, how come you're not fat?" She said, "Oh, bless your heart, child. I am. I'm as fat as I can be." I said, "Well, you don't look fat." She said, "Well, that's because I know how to camouflage." I said, "Camouflage? What's camouflage?" And she said, "Well, that's where you hide something so people can't see it." I said, "Wait a minute. You can camouflage being fat?" She said, "Good Lord, yes, child. I'm stuffed into this girdle like a pig in a blanket. Don't you just love pigs in a blanket?" [audience chuckle]

 

Miss Helen's girdle got me to thinking. So, that night I went into my mother's underwear drawer. And my mother was tiny, she still is. So, she didn't have any girdles. But because she worked on her feet at the beauty shop all day, she wore these really tight support stockings that are like a cross between pantyhose and a rubber band. And I stole a pair. And then I went to the sewing basket and got the pinking shears and cut the legs off. Et voila. I had made myself a girdle.

 

The first day I wore the girdle to school was a living nightmare because it was about 115 degrees [chuckles] that day and the sweat was trickling down my back and into the girdle. And at the bottom where my little fat legs stuck out, my thighs were rubbing together. And by the end of the day, I could just barely walk. But the second day was much worse because on the second day, [chuckles] Keith Schaefer, who was the cutest boy in our class and as mean as a rattlesnake, lifted my dress on the playground. He said, "Oh my God, y'all, look, she's wearing a girdle."

 

Ten years old and my life was over. But it wasn't, because I was really lucky on the inside. And I had this really rich creative imagination. So, sometimes I would sit on the porch of the beauty shop after school in this glittered-up Burger King crown, pretending like I was a beauty queen, sitting up in a convertible in a parade. And sometimes I would practice my beauty queen acceptance speech. "Oh my gosh, thank you so much. You know, when I was just a little fat child, y'all made fun of me, but I forgive you. For in the words of Jesus Christ, to who I dedicate this crown, [audience chuckle] y'all knew not what y'all did." [laughter] I just knew. I just knew in my heart that one day my life would change.”

 

So, you can imagine my excitement when I heard that Mrs. Gandy's third grade spring production would be Peter Rabbit - the Musical. Because, hello, Flopsy, right? [audience chuckle] My fallback position was Mopsy. But I figured at the very least there was a whole garden full of flowers, and I could just see me as a big, languid, droopy heiress or a perky little daisy, or like a sophisticated chrysanthemum, you know?

 

So, I stood in shock and horror when it was announced that I had been cast in the pivotal role of the Green Bean. [audience chuckle] The Green Bean costume consisted of a green leotard with crepe paper peapods safety pinned all over it and lime green tights and this 2-foot-tall peapod hat with a curly thing on top. I went to Mrs. Gandy after school, in tears, I said, "Mrs. Gandy, I cannot do this. I cannot wear this. Who ever heard of a fat green bean? They're going to make fun of me. And Mrs. Gandy, I can sing. My talent is wasted on this bean."

 

She said, "Rhonda Faye, you listen to me, child. In my show, there are four bunny rabbits and there are a lot of flowers. But there is one green bean, and you are it." [audience chuckle] She said, "Now I will write you a solo, but I want you to get up there and pour your heart out on that stage. And don't you let those children tell you who you are. You show them who you are." And I decided in that moment to be the best goddamn green bean ever to grace the stage.

 

But what to do about that hideous costume? I laid it out on my Sears canopy bed to assess the damage. First of all, this horrible leotard. I strategically re-safety pinned the crepe paper pea pods to hide my figure flaws. And then I attached my Burger King crown to the pea pod hat. And then I had a brainstorm, The Bedazzler. The Bedazzler is like a staple gun for rhinestones. So, I bedazzled that leotard to within an inch of its life. And then, just in case my panties showed, I bedazzled my panties [chuckle] and I looked in the mirror and I felt so beautiful. Until opening night when I stepped backstage and I saw Betty Renee Boyd and Michelle Swimford in their pink fluffy Flopsy and Mopsy costumes. And there was Keith Schaefer and his farmer McGregor drag looking as menacing as ever. And I thought, "Oh my God, what have I done? I look like a big green disco ball. [audience chuckle] I look like Elton freaking John." 

 

So, I just closed my eyes and I stood there holding my breath. And I heard the curtain open and I heard my music cue. And I could hear Mrs. Gandy backstage going, [whispers] "Rhonda Faye, go, go." And I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't breathe. After a few minutes, I peeked into the audience and I saw my mom still in her uniform from the beauty shop, looking really nervous. And there was Miss Helen and all the other beauty shop ladies. They were all there and they came to see me. And, it was because they loved me no matter what. And I just couldn't let them down. 

 

So, I took a deep breath and I started to sing. And the song I sang that night is still really close to my heart because it sort of became a theme for my whole life. [sings] "I'm the teeny-weeny bean [audience chuckle] living in the garden green. I love to bask in the sun all day. All I do is sleep and play.” Wasn't so bad. “From my smallest beanie jean to my teeny-weeny spleen. I am healthy through and through. Eat me, I'll be good for you." [cheers and applause] "From Dallas clear to Abilene and all of Texas in between, y'all have surely never seen, a bean so keen and lean and mean. I'm a green bean queen." [audience applause]

 

[chuckles] The next day at school, I felt this subtle shift. Nobody called me fatty all day. And this seventh-grade boy gave me a high five in the hallway. He said, "Look, y'all, it's the little green bean." And ever since that night on the stage of Reinhardt Elementary School auditorium, I haven't needed anybody to tell me that I'm okay. Special event. Because for a few minutes in the spring of 1975, I was a green bean queen. [giggles] Thank you.