Gregory Mathieu - Great Balls of Fire

 

Okay. So, when my older brother reached fourth grade, my parents signed him up for football. And they told me when I reached fourth grade, I would get to do football also. Gay, fourth grade Gregory did not want to do football [audience laughter] when he reached fourth grade. So, I dreaded reaching fourth grade. But to my surprise, when I reached fourth grade, they let me pick whatever activity I wanted to do, so I chose tap dancing. [audience laughter] 

 

And so, I loved tap dancing. I did it every day while I watched the amazing TV show, Zoom. [audience laughter] For those of you that know Zoom, I would either do it while watching Zoe Be Amazing, or just go to the basement afterwards and tap to my heart's content. They made me actually tap dance in the boiler room, because I tap danced so much that they got annoyed. So, every day of my life consisted of school, Zoom, tap dance, sleep, repeat. And so, September to December, after I reached fourth grade, that's all I did. 

 

So, Christmas time rolls around. My parents hand me a card, and I look at it and think, well, this doesn't look like a great present. [audience laughter] But I open it. The cover has glitter, and it says, "You are a star." And then, I open it and it's a really sweet note from them saying, "This January, you will be auditioning for Zoom." [audience laughter] I am ecstatic, because the Zoom audition has two parts. It has a Q&A and a talent portion. So, obviously, my talent was going to be tap dance. 

 

So, I talk to my teacher. She decides that she will teach me how to do a solo performance after each class that we have. So, that first class that ended, I stay after and she grabs a boombox and grabs a CD, puts the CD in and she says, "I'm going to show you the routine that you're going to learn for Zoom." I don't know if those of you know the song Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire, [audience laughter] but that was the song to which my routine was going to be. [audience laughter] I heard it and I was in love. [audience laughter] So, again, every day I go down into the boiler room and I-- I can actually still remember the routine, which is what's surprising, because I want to do it right now, but I won't. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

So, finally, the day arrives. My parents drive me up. It was up here in Boston. I'm from Connecticut. So, we drive a couple hours. We get there, it's in this big warehouse building and all the floors are concrete. So, as I'm walking, I can hear the echo of my tap, and it sounds amazing. I'm in my favorite recital outfit, which is sequined pants and a sequined tank top, [audience laughter] which, again, on a gay fourth grader, doesn't look that good. But I felt amazing. I had all the confidence in the world. 

 

The judge, or like the, yeah, the jury calls my name. They take me to the audition room, I grab my boombox, I'm walking, I'm so ready, my leg heels are clicking against the concrete floor. And then, I walk into the audition room and disaster happens. I did not expect this, it was carpeted. [audience aww] And so, nothing is worse for a tap dance than trying to tap on carpet, because it's just like swoosh, swoosh, swoosh. And no jazz hands can overcome this. [audience laughter] The silence that comes with Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire playing and me trying to-- [audience laughter] 

 

So, needless to say, I was not offered a part in Zoom. [audience aww] So, I was really quite devastated. I didn't practice tap for a while. I don't know if some of you thought this was going to end with the award being me [audience laughter] getting on Zoom, but it did not. So, a few weeks later, I stopped tapping. My parents both noticed that I was no longer filling the house with the obnoxious sound of nonstop tapping. So, they pile my brother, sister and I into a car. We go to my aunt's house. And outside their house, there are cars lined up. I thought this was very peculiar, because I thought we were just going there to hang out.

 

I go in, there's at least 20 to 30 of my family and friends in there. And in a pile, I see my boombox, my Jerry Lee Lewis CD, my sequin outfit and my tap shoes. And so, I knew they wanted me to give them a performance of good old Great Balls of Fire. So, I put on my favorite outfit, put on my shoes, I put the CD in the player, and I push play and I give the best recital ever. The floor was not carpeted. I see all of my family and friends looking at me with the biggest smiles. And at that point, I knew that my Great Balls of Fire were finally ablaze. [audience laughter]