Ed Gavagan - Golf Clubbing

 

I remember the first scar I ever got was actually two scars. I was about six years old teaching my little buddy next door how to golf. I'd taken my dad's bag of golf clubs, and dragged it out in the yard, and just wanted to show my little buddy how to hit the ball. So, I stood behind him and I had him choke up on the 9 iron and was telling him, "You know, put the tee in the ball." 

 

I was just all gung-ho to be a little teacher. I stood back and I had coached him on the backswing and the follow through. He wailed back, and hit me in the head, and came around, and hit me in the head again. [audience laughter] And the 9 iron took a chunk out of the back right quarter of my scalp, peeled about a palm sized flap of skin and hair. [audience laughter] And on the backswing hit me on this side and two giant flaps of skin peeled off my skull. [audience cheers and applause]

 

I wasn't sure what happened, but he turned around and he looked at me and the blood, you know, how a head wound is, the blood just starts pouring down and I put my hands up and I feel the soft wet part and then the little bristly hairy part. Because I had a crew cut at the time. So, I pushed my scalp back on. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I went running into my house. I'll never forget the look on my mother's face. She's in the kitchen with her cat's eye glasses talking on the phone. [audience laughter] It was one of those black rotary dial phones. She let go of the phone. I had blood running down my arms and all over my little white T-shirt. She just made this dying pigeon noise. [audience laughter] 

 

And then, the first thing she did, because I had my younger brother and my younger sister, she called the neighbor to come and watch them. And then, she called my dad and told him to meet us at the emergency room. She threw me in the convertible, and off we flew. She was just locked on, driving like a mother to save her kid. We pull up to the emergency room. That was at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas, 1969. 

 

My dad was a drill sergeant. So, his job all day long was to yell at guys, tell them that they were no good and were going to die in Vietnam, and that his grandmother could do everything they could do, but better. [audience laughter] My dad was a badass. I mean, my dad has like-- If you've ever seen Full Metal Jacket, my dad would kick his ass. [audience laughter] You know, rolled up sleeves, the tan uniform, the Smokey the Bear hat. 

 

What I never realized at the time or until much later, is that at that time, my dad was 26 years old and my mom was 25. So, they bundle me into the emergency room, or actually, my dad hadn't gotten there yet. And so, the doctor lays me up on the table and does a little pump. I come up, and he's looking at me and he's like, "Are you okay?" I'm like, "Yeah, I'm okay." And then, in comes my dad. He's got the Smokey the Bear hat. He's like, "Where's my son?" [audience chuckles] There I am, drenched in blood on the table.

 

And the doctor's like, "Well, we're just going to have to shave a little bit there, and then we got to stitch him up." My dad's there, and he's holding my foot, and he's looking at me and he's like, "Are you okay?" But I heard, "Are you okay?" [audience laughter] So, I was like, "Yes, sir, I'm okay. No problem." [audience laughter] And the doctor then looks at my dad and he goes, "I got to--" You got to realize if you've never been to an Air Force hospital, that's not exactly like they do it on TV. It's kind of ad hoc. So, he forgot something, or he needed some extra parts or whatever. So, he tells my dad, "Just stay here. I got to go get the needle or something."

 

So, I'm there, and I'm looking at my dad, and I've got to impress him that I'm okay. He's looking at me, and he's like, "Sure you’re okay?" I'm like, "Yeah, dad, don't worry." He's there with his Smokey the Bear hats. This is like, I can't even describe to you what the drill sergeant aspect is unless you've lived it. [audience chuckles] He looks at me and he's holding my foot, and his eyes roll back in his head and he drops. [audience laughter] I think that he's trying to make me laugh. [audience laughter] So, I'm thinking, dad's just trying to give me a little encouragement. I'm there like laughing.

 

On the way down, my father hit his head on the end of that metal table so bad, it caught his eye socket and ripped himself a scar. I'm laying there going, "Dad, that's funny. Where are you?" [audience laughter] And then, the surgeon comes in and is like, "What the fuck?" [audience laughter] He's like, "Get up." He picks me up, and I help my dad, who is completely unconscious in a giant pool of blood with his tan uniform, completely drenched. We help my father. He lowers the table. We get my dad onto the thing. He's stitching my dad up, and I'm watching and helping everything, and I'm just bundled up. [audience laughter] This guy just wrapped me real quick.

 

My dad is out, like, out cold, all right? The surgeon's like, dude gives him 16 stitches from the corner of his eye all the way back up. And I'm like, "Oh wow." Like, I'm into it. I want my dad to get better. And then, the surgeon's like, "All right," and he goes and gets a wheelchair, and he's like, "Help me put your dad in the chair." We load my dad in the chair, and then he stitches me up. But because he knew mine were just superficial scalp wounds, it was-- [audience chuckles]

 

I'm all stitched up, and then he wraps my whole head up, and I got the big Q-tip looking head with the blood spots soaking through. And then, they put my dad in a wheelchair. My dad is still out, and the surgeon goes, "Just push him out to your mom, okay?" [audience chuckles] My mother is in the waiting room. [audience laughter] I come out pushing my father in the wheelchair. [audience laughter] But I'm only about this tall, so I'm looking over the side. I'll never forget the look on my mother's face. Just thank God, she was sitting down when she fainted.