Shaun Gohel - Girlfriend, Manifested

 

So, it's the first night of summer camp and I'm trying really hard to bond with the other guys in the dorm when one of them goes, “Hey, Shaun, tell us about your first kiss.” And I'm like, “Hmm.” This is my nightmare question for two reasons. One, I am a huge dork. At this point in my life at 16, I've only kissed like my PSAT book for good luck. [audience laughter] And two, I am in the closet. So, anything about intimacy in general makes me retreat into my body like a shy turtle. But luckily, I have prepared answer for this very specific question, a fake answer. 

 

So, I turn to him and I go, “My first kiss was Sarah Brown. We met at Disneyworld. [audience laughter] Sparks flew. We had our first kiss outside the France Pavilion at Epcot. But unfortunately, we lost touch.” And the guys are like, “Ah, very good,” “Yes.” [audience laughter] So, we're leaving the room and one of them goes, “Hey, did you really kiss Sarah Brown?” And I'm like, “Ah, as a matter of fact, yes, I did.” And he goes, “Huh, that's so crazy, because she's here.” And I was like, [audience laughter] “Who's here?” 

 

So, it turns out that there may or may not be a Sarah Brown in Florida, but there definitely was a Sarah Brown at this camp in the girls dorm. That in itself is not a problem, because then I was going to go to plan B. “Oh, wrong Sarah Brown, common name, common mistake.” But what I didn't anticipate was that this news would pinball across camp and get to Sarah and made her nervous, because Sarah, like me, had never kissed anyone, and she didn't want people investigating her kissing history and then making fun of her for never having done so. So, instead of saying, “No, I don't know who this guy is,” she said, “Yes, like we did. It's not a big deal.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, the next day, I'm eating a turkey sandwich and this throng of guys comes up to me and they're like, “Yo, dude, we talked to Sarah. She remembers her kiss.” And I'm like, “What? [audience laughter] But I didn't think she'd remember. That's so crazy.” They're like, “Yo, this is great. Like, you're going to have a reunion and this summer, you're going to hook up.” And I'm like, “Oh, crap.” [audience laughter] So, I kid you not the next six days, I basically hid in the bathroom for 45-minute intervals, trying to avoid this hormonal, twilight obsessed, roving mob of teenagers hungry for a romance to make happen in real life. 

 

But all good things must come to an end. I emerge from the bathroom one day, and lo and behold, there is Sarah Brown. She comes up to me and she goes, “Hey, Shaun, I'm Sarah. [audience laughter] I think it's really funny that you told everyone we kissed.” And I was like, “Oh. Hey, Sarah. I think it's really funny that you exist. [audience laughter] It's like The Legend of Bloody Mary. [audience laughter] Like, I've said your name enough times that you've manifested yourself and you’re going to ruin my life.” [audience laughter] 

 

We make a little bit more small talk, and then she goes, “You know, we don't have to keep lying. We can just quickly make this true.” She gives me the look. And then, I'm like, “Oh, my gourd.”  I'm just processing the fact that my fake gay beard has manifested herself [audience laughter] and is now proposing the summer fling that everyone thinks we already had at Epcot. [audience laughter]

 

The second thing growing through my mind is, I don't want to make this real. But also, I don't want to keep lying. And it's like, I am in this weird in between where I don't want the social capital. I'm lying solely as a defense mechanism. But my lies have backfired, and instead of making me disappear, they've been pushing me further and further into the spotlight. So, I realized, in order to stop this rollercoaster, I just have to be honest with this girl. And I'm like, “Sarah, I can't.” She looks at me, and she squints her eyes, and I could see the wheels turning and she goes, “You can't.” And I say, “Yes.” And she goes, “Because of your religion.” [audience laughter] I go- [audience applause] -[feeling uncomfortable] “Kind of. Yes. Yes.” [audience laughter] So, actually, that pretty much settled the matter. When you bring up Hinduism in rural Pennsylvania, people are just like, “Okay, cool.” [audience laughter] But not only was I thankful that this story died, I was really thankful that at this time in my life, this secret was such a burden and I was really thankful for that moment. So, I could see that in an environment as difficult as high school, there were other people putting on a performance, and it made me feel a little bit less alone. So, thank you.