Bradford Jordan - Father's Day

 

 

So, this story is about why two years ago I didn't know if I wanted to be a dad or not, and why today I know that I do. It was about almost exactly, actually, two years ago-- I am a teacher, so I was on spring break. I went home to California to visit my father and his wife. I was laying in bed, which is an inflatable sofa bed, [chuckles] late one night looking at my iPad, and I got an email. And that email was from Stephanie Miller, a name which did not ring a bell. But the subject line got my interest, because it said, "Hey, I've got something to tell you." 

 

So, I opened it. I'll paraphrase the email, because I don't remember it exactly, because since I deleted it in a fit of insanity. It said something like, "Dear Bradford, you probably don't remember me. But in 2004 or 2005, when you were living in Oxford, we were introduced by a mutual friend, and we got a little crazy, and we hooked up. I never told you, but I got pregnant that night. It's five years later, and I've been talking with my therapist and my parents, who've been helping me raise my son, and we've decided it's time to reach out to you. So, whether or not you would like to be involved is up to you. Email back if interested." [audience laughter] 

 

I didn't really have a time where I was shocked, because I immediately started crying. I immediately started crying, because I think about being a dad all the time. That's something I've been thinking about since I knew I had a dad, and suddenly I was a dad. And so, I did the same thing I used to do when I was seven years old. I trudged across the hallway to my dad's room and I knocked on the door with tears in my voice and I said, "Dad." You know how your dad smelled at night? They don't stop smelling that way. [audience laughter] He smelled that way when he opened the door, and he took me to the talking couch. Two couches, cuddling and talking. [audience laughter] 

 

He took me to the talking couch, and he held me the same way he always had. I held my iPad, [audience laughter] which was what I had. He read the email, and he said to me, "Brad, this is a Facebook scam. This is what they do. [audience laughter] Don't you know that?" I thought for a second, maybe it is a Facebook scam. But there's too many details. The name of my friend when I was in Oxford, and other details that my paraphrase missed. It was too specific. 

 

Another thing the email that I forgot to mention had was the name of the boy. His name is Caden, and a picture attached. On the iPad, the picture doesn't come up as a photograph. It comes up as a soft-cornered square with dotted lines. I couldn't bring myself to tap on it, but my dad did. I couldn't look at it, because I was crying so hard and I was so scared and I was slowly going completely crazy. But he looked at it and he said, "It's a kid with brown hair and blue eyes. It could be any kid." 

 

In the passing emotions of fear and anger and destitution, I had, for what must have actually been maybe a half a second, the moment where I felt sane, and that moment was a moment when I felt-- What I imagine anyone here who's a parent felt when they became a parent, which is boundless and limitless love for this kid. I didn't know where he was, I never met him, I'd never even seen the picture that my dad had seen. But I knew that I would do anything. And then, I went back to being crazy. 

 

The next day, I decided I should probably call my girlfriend and tell her what was going on, because [audience laughter] her life was going to change and my life was going to change. I might be moving to England. I called her up and I asked her to sit down. She was in New York, I was in California, and I said, "You know, we've been talking a lot about if someday we want to have kids. [audience laughter] And I know that I have been questioning it. I know that I haven't been enthusiastic about it, but I want to tell you that I got an email." And she said, "From Stephanie Miller?" And I said, "What are you talking about?" [audience laughter] And she said, "April Fools'!" Yeah, no, it's fucked up. It really is. [audience laughter] It was super, super messed up. 

 

I hung up the phone because I couldn't say anything else to her. And my dad, after I told him, he gave me a look like, "Maybe it wasn't a Facebook scam, but I knew something fishy was going on." But I'll tell you this, is that I go back and forth between that half a minute or half a second, whatever it was, when I felt that love. Sometimes I feel like I cheated the universe, because I don't deserve to know what that feels like. Or, somehow it was inauthentic because that's for real parents, and sometimes I thank the universe because now I know that I do want to be a dad.