Jeff Simmermon - Empathetic Subway Screaming

 

All right. Look, I'm getting on the subway. I got two bags of groceries. It's raining. The bottom of these paper bags are wet. I need these groceries very badly. I'm a little nervous. I'm nervous, because I need these groceries bad. But also, they're from Whole Foods, so, like, “How am I going to pay my rent?” [audience laughter] 

 

And I'm going through what I like to refer to as a surprise divorce. [audience chuckles] I just need some grace and patience from the world right now. [audience laughter] I am broken glass on the inside. And when I need grace and patience from the world, what I do when I know I'm not going to get it is I like to straddle a garbage can and take a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and work the spoon down through the chocolate core of the Ben and Jerry's. [audience chuckles] You could pull the whole thing out in a move that I call the sad King Arthur. [audience laughter] [audience applauses] 

 

And then you just eat it all. You don't really get any grace or patience or understanding, but you can go to sleep. [audience laughter] And I need that, too. So, the bags are straining. I'm getting on the train and it's crowded. And right as I'm reaching for the pole, this dude grabs my shoulder like I'm a door that has gotten stuck and just goes. [exerts] Shoves me out of the way, and the bags rip. All my groceries, including my surrogate feelings, [audience laughter] are just pinballing among everybody's dirty feet down the subway car. And I was just like, "Oh, Lord, not now." 

 

So, I'm leaning over to pick up my groceries. I've got a messenger bag on, and it's coming up behind me like this. [audience chuckles] I think it was touching a lady behind me a little bit, because I just heard-- [smack] [audience laughter] I looked back and somebody, I don't know, whatever. So, I go to get my groceries again and again, and I know it was her because somebody goes, "I said." [smacks harder] [audience laughter] I turned and I looked, and there's a woman standing there holding a pole, and she's looking at me and she's rolling her eyes. 

 

I know what she's seeing, because I know what I look like, all right? I'm 6’ 2’. It doesn't matter if I eat that Ben and Jerry's or not. I'm a fight heavyweight. I tried on a cardigan one time, and it looked real stupid. [audience laughter] So, now, I'm going to go with heavy metal T-shirts. So, I look like the social media guy for the Hells Angels. [audience laughter] She's just seeing this big oaf that doesn't care about anything but himself. I just know I'm not going to get that patience, so I just went there in my head and decided I wasn't going to get it and said, "Oh, oh, is my bag touching your arm a tiny bit and moderately inconveniencing you on the train right now? [audience chuckles] Is that why we're making these noises?" [audience chuckles] 

 

She answers my question by looking the subway ad in the eye, questioning my parenting, and saying, "Some people weren't raised to respect anybody around them. They don't understand space, or who's in it, or who they're shoving, or anything at all." And then right then, this little dude that saw the whole thing jumps up and goes, "You need to shut the hell up, lady. You don't understand the challenges he's facing in his life right now.” [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applauses]

 

All right. “Because you're crying about a bag touching you on the arm, he got $1,400 worth of soup cans of Ben and Jerry's [audience laughter] rolling up and down the F train. You need to step back, get some perspective, see your place in this world, and then shut up. Am I wrong?" [audience cheers and applauses] 

 

Tease me up. I'm standing here, just adrenaline like this. And on the inside, I was like, "Oh, I would have phrased that so differently." [audience laughter] But on the outside, I was like, "Yeah, yeah, that's basically how it went down." [audience laughter] And she goes, "Oh, oh. I see. Well, I happen to have several extra bags here. Would you like them?" [audience laughter] And so, empathetic and understanding in such a hateful way. [audience laughter] And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, that's super. I'll take your stupid bags." [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applauses] 

 

She gets them out, and we're just cramming my groceries into the bags, [audience laughter] making eye contact the whole time like this. [audience laughter] She's like, "Take several extra. They're thin. I would hate for this to happen all over again later." [audience laughter] "Yeah, that's a great idea, lady. I appreciate that." We're just standing there like-- [breathing hard sound] For several stops, [audience laughter] just hating each other with our breath, but on the inside. “Thank you.” 

 

And then, [train door opening sound] and she just stands up and looks at me and goes, "Have a blessed day, baby" and leaves. [audience laughter] And the one person that understands me in this world, I never saw again. And that's why I hate this city. But I can never leave it, because there are so many beautiful, beautiful blessings to be found in this town. If you scrape the patina of sheer rage [audience laughter] off of everybody and just look underneath. Thank you.