Luanne Sims - Eddie’s Fourth Birthday

 

We were sitting around the dinner table trying to come up with a theme for my son's fourth birthday party. He mentioned Star Wars, but I dismissed it. Star Wars parties are a dime a dozen. We need something more original. My dad put a bite of asparagus in his mouth and said, "Why don't you have an asparagus party?" [audience laughter] That's ridiculous. We're not having an asparagus-themed birthday party. Eddie doesn't even like asparagus. "Yeah," my son said, "I don't like asparagus. I like broccoli." And so, it was settled. [audience laughter] 

 

The next day, I Photoshopped my son's face onto a crown of broccoli [audience laughter] and sent invitations to all of our family and friends, "Please come to a broccoli party." I decorated all in green, of course. There was a broccoli-shaped cake and a photo cutout thing where you could put your face in, get your picture taken as a stalk of broccoli. [audience laughter] There was even a broccoli-shaped piñata. The kids were all anxious to hit the piñata. But before I let them, I gathered them around to tell them the legend of Captain Broccoli. [audience chuckles] 

 

Captain Broccoli was just a regular guy who wanted to be a superhero. But when he went to apply for the job, he found out that all of the good, important superhero jobs were already filled. So, the only thing left for him to do was to become the superhero for times that aren't that important. So, if you're trapped under a dresser, you want to call for Superman, or maybe Jesus, to come and help you. [audience laughter] But if you get the wrong flavor popsicle, you want to call Captain Broccoli. [audience laughter] And the way that you call Captain Broccoli is like this, "Teba tuba, taba tuba," which is a nonsense phrase from my childhood. Finally, it was time to hit the piñata. 

 

Now, they don't sell broccoli-shaped piñatas, so I had to make it. Apparently, this was a piñata of steel, because the kids went through the line three or four times each, [audience chuckles] and nobody could even make a dent in the piñata. Everyone was getting really frustrated, so we decided to let the birthday boy, my son, just hit it until it opened. So, he hit it eight or nine times, and finally there was a little crack at the top and the kids started to get really excited. "Hit it again!" we yelled, and they started chanting his name. "Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!" And he hit it again, and the crack got bigger and the kids got in their ready positions with their loot bags open. "Hit it again!" And he hit it again, and finally the piñata cracked open and the kids were foaming at the mouth. You should have seen their little faces when nothing came out of that piñata but raw broccoli. [audience laughter] [audience applause]

 

I thought that it would just be funny, [audience laughter] but it turned out to be a fascinating psychological experiment. [audience laughter] Some of the kids hit the ground immediately and started grabbing as much broccoli as they possibly could. [audience laughter] Now, these kids, they might be from vegetarian families, but I think there's a population of children that no matter what it was, it could be dog poop flying out of that, if it comes shooting out of a piñata, they're going to fight other children for it. [audience laughter] Most of the kids stood there dumbfounded, [audience chuckles] not knowing what to do. My husband is in the background saying, "It's broccoli. It's good for you." [audience laughter] I saw one little girl reluctantly bend down and fill her bag, only to dump it out again when she thought no one was looking. [audience laughter]

 

But I started to feel bad when I noticed that some of the kids were actually crying. [audience laughter] I heard one little girl say, "I thought it was going to be candy." And I thought, no kidding, that's the joke. So, I reminded them, "Who do you call when you need help?" And they just glared at me and said, "We're not playing this game. You've done enough damage." [audience laughter] I said, "Trust me, who do you call?" And one angry little boy said, "Captain Broccoli." "And how do you call him?" Nobody remembered. I reminded them, "Teba tuba, taba taba tuba." Again: "Teba tuba, taba tuba taba." Again: "Teba tuba, taba tuba taba."

 

And on the third round, Captain Broccoli, the actual Captain Broccoli in the form of my slightly inebriated brother, [audience laughter] wearing green tights, a magnificent cape, a black Zorro mask, and a tremendous two-foot-high crown of broccoli, [audience laughter] came running out the back door, leaping off the deck and spreading candy to all of the crying children. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

The following year we had a Star Wars party. Thanks.