Sam S. Mullins - Dinosaur

 

So, I was sitting in my apartment one night, and I was thinking about the button on the elevator that gives me access to the roof because I was thinking about killing myself, which is terrifying for me to think about now. But in the moment, it wasn't hard for me to think about. It was soothing to think about, and I was in a really shit time in my life like breakup, shit job. I was living in the city, [audience chuckles] and it just completely crushed my soul. And that night, I ended up passing out on the floor in my kitchen fine.

 

And then the very next night, it happened. It was just like any other night for me. Waiting tables at the Macaroni Grill in downtown Vancouver. I was inches away from a full-blown anxiety attack. The chef was livid with me because one of my tables didn't think his medium rares were medium rare enough. And I was so dehydrated that when I went to pee, it came out as a paste. [audience chuckles] I'm like, “That is not pee.” I was, like, just barely hanging on my section, just sprinting around when I am set at a table four. So, I go up to the table with water glasses to greet them. And something about these people immediately put me at ease. They just seem, like, really calm and present and just like good people.

 

And right away it was like two parents and two grown up kids about my age. And right away the father shook my hand. He's like, “What's your name?” I'm like, “Sam.” He's like, “You look like a Sam.” [audience chuckles] And we started talking and having banter, and they were really into the fact I was a struggling/failed actor and writer. And they kind of became my number one priority. And they were my oasis in the mayhem. And they really knew how to dine, like, they had a lot of nice appetizers and fine wines. I cleared all that away, and I got them set up for entrees. And I went-- and I picked up their food and I came out to the table and I sat their food down. And then I paused and I asked them the question that the Macaroni Grill trained me to ask.

 

I said, “Is there anything else that I can get for you?” And then without skipping a beat, the father looks me in the eye and says, “Yes, a tinfoil dinosaur, please.” [audience chuckles] And before I could say, “What?” his daughter looks at me with a twinkle in her eye and she's like, “Yes, a tinfoil dinosaur would be perfect.” [audience chuckles] And that kind of made that sound that we all make when life doesn't make sense [sighs, half-laughing]. [audience laughter] And I kind of brushed it off. I'm like, “Okay, enjoy, enjoy.” And I'm like, “I guess I should clarify. Is there any particular type of dinosaur that you would prefer?” And again, without skipping a beat, “A Tyrannosaurus rex, please.” “Very well.” So, I go over the server station. I'm like, “What the-- wait, they-- like, a literal tinfoil dinosaur?”

 

But then I remembered, “Oh, I know what just happened. This is like the time that someone ordered a brown cow, and I didn't know what they were talking about. They just ordered a fancy drink that I've never heard of.” So, I go over to the bartender and he's making his drinks and he senses me lurking. He's like, “What can I get for you, Sam?” I'm like, “Doug, do the words ‘tinfoil dinosaur’ mean anything to you?” He's like, “I have no idea what you're talking about.” I'm like, “Okay.” So, this confirmed to me that were indeed talking about a literal tinfoil dinosaur. [audience chuckles] So, I guess I need some tinfoil.

 

So, I go in the kitchen, I tore off a seven-foot piece of tinfoil [audience chuckles] and I started sculpting. [audience chuckles] And I'm noted for my artistic virtuosity, but this dinosaur, you guys, [audience chuckles] was my Sistine Chapel. It stood two feet tall and it had like an angular head and a sloping tail and two big bulky legs and the T. Rex talon arms and while I'm making it, all my co-workers are gathered around silently like they're watching this great thing take place. [audience chuckles] So, I put it under my arm and I go and I tore off a second piece of tinfoil, seven feet long. And I took that out of the kitchen, out into the dining room, and I took the dinosaur and I planted it in the center of their table like it was the flag of my country. [audience chuckles] And their jaws hit the floor.

 

They couldn't believe what I'd just done. And then the father pointed to the other piece of tinfoil I had. He's like, what's that piece of tinfoil for? And this time I was deadpan. “I challenge you.” [laughter and claps] So, then he started making a dinosaur too. [audience chuckles] And the restaurant was totally abuzz. There were like people leaving their half-eaten dinners and all the cooks stopped cooking. And everyone was gathered around for the world's first tinfoil dinosaur sculpting competition. It was completely ridiculous, but it was kind of magic, like there was electricity in the air.

 

And later on, they were the last table to leave the restaurant that night. And all four of them came up and gave me a hug. And the father said, “Sam, you went above and beyond. Thank you.” And I'll always remember the silhouette of him walking out into the night with a tin foil of dinosaur under each arm. [audience laughter] I like to think that they still live on their dining room table. And I remember walking home that night and I felt really happy for the first time in a long time. Thank you.