Jane Otai - Delaying Motherhood

 

I remember my friend Camilla. Camilla was such a dear friend of mine whom I went to school with. We were 16 years old and I loved Camilla, because she was such a brilliant girl. Each time we were in class and the teacher would introduce a mathematics concept, Camilla always got it very quickly. An equation, she would get it quite fast. If I didn't get it, she would teach me and I would really understand the concept very well from her. I learned better from Camilla than from the teacher. 

 

Apart from just being bright, Camilla was a beautiful girl. At 16, she had this dark skin, short hair. We used to wear white blouses. And her blouse was sparkling. She kept it very clean. So, for me, Camilla was really the epitome of it. She had both the brains and the beauty, and I admired that in her. But she also reminded me about my younger sister, Alice. Alice was younger than us by two years. She was 14 years old. She was also impressive in her classwork, but she was physically strong. When we went to the well to fetch water, she would balance this pot on her head. She was a very beautiful young lady. 

 

Each time, the boys would like to bully me, my sister was always there for me. She would protect me, and I loved her for it. So, to me, Camilla and Alice were my heroes. As a young girl, I wanted to be like them. So, I remembered also one evening, mom was having a conversation with my auntie, who had come all the way from the village to visit us in the city. My Aunt Helen was telling mom, “You are wasting time. Why are you educating girls? They will never amount to anything. Girls get pregnant, they drop out of school. Why are you wasting money on them? You'd rather educate your sons? Girls, nothing. You're wasting all your time and money.” 

 

I remember my mom telling her, “They will go to school. My daughters will get all the education. No matter what you say, you don't contribute to their education. They will go to school.” So, that is how the conversation ended well. From home to school was about two hours. And every morning, I would walk with Camilla, chatting, going to school. But on our way to school, there were always these young men, you know, married men, luring girls into a romantic relationship. It was such an occurrence every day when you're going to school, this is happening. 

 

But soon and very soon, I started seeing Camilla with gifts, and I wondered where she was getting the gifts from. Because at one time, I had got some gifts from a married man. When my mom saw the gifts, the lotions, she threw them into the toilet. I also saw my sister with gifts of perfume, lotion, sanitary pads, white underwears and hankies. And they were really nice things. Any girl would have wanted to have those items. When I asked my sister, “But where are you getting these gifts from? I know mom is not providing us with these.” She said, “Get out of my business. You should never ask me where I'm getting them from.” But I decided, tomorrow I'll ask Camilla where she gets the gifts from. 

 

So, the following morning in class, because she was glowing, she was having this nice perfume lotion, I asked Camilla, “Where are you getting these items from?” She said, “You know what? I have a boyfriend.” I said, “What?” “Yeah, he's a married man. He loves me very much. You see this lotion? He gave it to me yesterday. We also had French fries and fish. He's such a lovely man.” I said, “But you know, my mom told me never to get gifts from men. Any man who gives you gifts does not have your best interest at heart.” She said, “That's childish. Don't believe in what they're saying, Jane. These guys can give you gifts and there's nothing wrong with it.” I said, “Okay.” 

 

My mom says, “Even the pastor told us we should not get the gifts.” In the evening, as I was walking back home, I saw my sister standing with another married man, and they were chatting and chatting. I decided, this is the wrong thing. I told myself, I will go to this married man and tell him off, he should leave my sister alone. So, one time, as I was in the market doing some shopping for groceries, I bumped into this man. I was sweating, but I had decided, I'll talk to him anyway. I was sweating, I was shivering. I didn't know how to start. But anyway, I went to him and said, “Leave my sister alone. Stop giving my sister gifts. She is still in school and she's the age of your daughters. Why are you giving her gifts? My mom says, this is wrong. Please leave my sister alone. Let her continue in class” and I ran off. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I ran home, shivering. I didn't know what you would do. So, I took off and went home. I went into the kitchen, and lighted fire and started cooking for the family. As I was preparing food, my sister Alice comes in. I looked at her, she was very annoyed. She put down her bag, came to the kitchen and slapped me very hard on the face. What have I done? I felt so bad. I felt so sad. She said, “Leave my boyfriend out of it. Why were you talking to him about my affair with him? It's my life. Leave me alone. I have decided he is my boyfriend and I'm going to continue I having an affair with him. Get out of this business.” I said, “Okay, okay. I will never talk to you about it.” I turned my back. I decided I will never have this conversation with Alice or even my friend Camilla. 

 

So, we continued. Within that same year, Camilla was pregnant and she dropped out of school. The following year, my sister was 15 years at that age, at that time, and she also got pregnant and dropped out of school. I continued with school, went to college. Before I could finish my university degree, Camilla passed away. I only heard that she had passed away because of HIV related complications. That was sad. I finished university. Before I started working, my own sister succumbed to HIV complications. I had lost two very dear friends, people whom I called heroes had passed on. 

 

I remember the day that my sister was buried. As the coffin was being lowered into the grave, I looked at it and I told myself it should not have ended this way. What is it that I did not do right? But I also remembered what my aunt had said. It's a waste of time educating girls. They get pregnant. So, this had actually happened to my sister. It had happened to Camilla. They had fulfilled what my aunt had said. But I told myself I committed my it will not happen to me. And not only me, it will not happen to girls of this age. From that day, I committed myself to working with adolescent girls, giving them information, telling them the truth, so that they do not fall into what Camilla and my sister Alice fell into. 

 

Because these are girls with potential. These are bright girls, they have a future and if only I can work with them, then they can have a better future. They come with issues like, “Oh, you know, if I have sex when I'm swimming, I'll not get pregnant. Or, if I bathe with hot water after having sex, I'll not get pregnant.” They have all kinds of myths and beliefs about-- But I look them into the eye and I tell them, “Anybody who tells you you will not get pregnant because of drinking hot tea after having sex doesn't have the best of your interest at heart.” 

 

I will be tough with them. I will love them, but I will be innate with them. I will not turn my back on them. I'll be neat with them, work with them, so that they can succeed in life. And that is my commitment.