Jon Levin - Death in Vegas

 

Hi. I was on a vacation with my girlfriend. We were in San Francisco staying with friends of hers. And this vacation was supposed to smooth over a bad time we were going through, but it didn’t work, and I was cracking at the seams. I picked the worst possible moment to just lose it, right when we got to her friend’s place, right in front of all of her friends who I’d just met. I pick a ridiculous fight with her. I’m hearing myself just spewing utter nonsense, really hurtful things. It was just ridiculous. She’s responding calmly and rationally until she’s just had enough, and she up and leaves and flies back to Boston without me, insisting that I not follow her. Her vacation is blown, and she never wants to see me again, and that’s that.

 

I’m stuck in San Francisco with her friends who hate my guts, and rightfully so. I’m depending on them for their hospitality, because I have to live somewhere, and they’re somehow perfectly willing to put me up. I stay there for one sleepless night and then I couldn’t face them. So, as soon as day broke, I bolted out of there and I just make my way into San Francisco hoping that this beautiful city will somehow take my mind off of things. It just didn’t work, because there’s like this beautiful weather and beautiful happy people everywhere, and I’m the only maladjusted person on the Western Coast. I had to get out of there before I killed somebody. So, I took a one-way bus to Las Vegas. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

15 hours later, I get off the bus-- I haven't eaten or slept in days. Do I get a bite to eat or a room for the night? No. I walk straight over to the nearest roulette table and gamble all my money away. [audience laughter] So, now, I'm sitting in the Vegas bus station with no girlfriend, no job, no money, no way out of Vegas. Nothing to do in Vegas, because I had no money, and nothing to do but just look at all the other people in the bus station. And so, I realized, wow, I actually fit in here. [audience laughter] My choices in life have led me to this place. You know, it's the worst place in the world, but I fit in here. It's better than San Francisco on that level.

 

[chuckles] But of course, I have no idea how I'm going to save myself from this hell. So, I finally break down and call Laura collect. [audience laughter] She answers the phone, and it took her a minute to realize who it was. I explained my situation to her and that I needed some of her hard-earned money to be put into my bank account, so I could escape from this situation. She was very gracious and she heard me out and she said, "What, are you fucking out of your mind? I'll think about it." Click. That was the first time that the full gravity of my situation really occurred to me. 

 

So, I sat back down, and maybe six hours later, the first interesting thing happens. A man named Daniel sits down next to me, introduces himself. He's an obvious con man. He makes no effort to hide the fact that he wants to steal something from me. [audience laughter] Of course, I have nothing. [audience laughter] I mean, I have nothing in the world. So, the guy's entertaining. What's the worst he can do? Kill me? And at this point I'm thinking, that's going to be an improvement. 

 

So, I go away from the bus station with this guy, and I go off and have a weird day with him. And finally, around 02:00 in the afternoon, I check my bank balance and Laura had come through. I could take out some money. I bought us a plate of fried clams for lunch. And then, I'm wondering what this guy's game is or would have been. So, I stick around with him. [audience laughter]

 

There was another eight hours till my next bus out of there, so I had nothing better to do and I didn't want to go back into a casino. [chuckles] So, after night falls, we're walking along the abandoned railroad tracks behind the Vegas strip. [audience laughter] We're drinking Budweiser and whiskey. When he's drunk enough, he suggests that he should show me some cool martial arts moves that he knows. And I'm like, “Aha. This is what I've been waiting for all day.” This must be the overt act of aggression. I have no idea what form it's going to take or what he hopes to gain by this, but let's go with this. 

 

So, he does this arm thing to me, and it could break my arm, but he lets me up, and he shows me how to do it to him. So, I do the arm thing to him, and I could break his arm, but I don't. [audience laughter] And then, he's like, “Okay, now, I'm going to put you in this cool choke hold, and if you can't break out of it, tap me on the arm and I'll let you go." I'm like, “Okay, here we go.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, this guy lifts me off the ground by my neck. My feet are swinging and I can't breathe and there's no blood flow to my head. Things are getting darker and so I tap him on the shoulder, like I'm flailing around. There's nothing to grab onto. It's like he isn't even there. So, he doesn't let me go and I'm like, “All right.” I tap him again just for good measure, but he doesn't let me go. And so, I'm thinking, oh, okay. So, he's killing me for the contents of my wallet. That was the game. [audience laughter] That's really disappointing. [audience laughter] I wasted my day for this. I have $30. 

 

But then I'm thinking, well, all right, death. Well, here's a new thing. [audience laughter] It's not much of a life that I'm losing after all. But then, in the few moments before absolute nothing, a vision of my parents popped into my head and I realized that they're going to get news of this. And to them, it's going to be a tragedy. I couldn't bear the thought of how it would hit them. And my brother in college having to deal with this. 

 

And Laura, who, even though we'd been fighting, there's no way she would have wanted this to happen and it was going to level her. So, I became very sad. I realized, probably for the first time in my life, that my life isn't just about me. Of course, great revelation, you're not going to get a chance to act on it, because you're being killed. [audience laughter] [chuckles] So, the last thought I had was, "Oh, no, I don't want this" and then everything went black.