Ijeoma Oluo - Dance Champions and Charity Cases

 

I was in the fifth grade when my teacher asked me if I wanted to come to her house after school and work on a special project. Now, any friendless overachiever, this is a dream come true. So, I said “Yes” before I even knew what the project was. But I was really confused when she told me that the project was to help clean her house for a party she was having. [audience chuckles] Now this was really confusing because she of all people should know I don't clean. [audience chuckles] My desk was always overflowing with paper and pencil shavings and there was always a good chance you could find an old sandwich shoved under a book. But I had already committed. I could make this work.

 

I showed up at her house. She walked me into the living room, and it was like a palace compared to our apartment. She walked over to the closet, opened the door, pulled out a vacuum, and said, "Why don't we start with the vacuuming?" She started to walk upstairs. You guys, complete panic. I had never used a vacuum before. [audience chuckles] Let me explain a little bit about my house. My mom was a single parent, she worked the night shift. My brother and I often fended for ourselves. We would make different concoctions in the microwave out of different food-bank food. And then we would squat on the living room floor, and if we had cable, we would watch TV. Then we would leave the dishes there. The dog would clean them up. [audience chuckles] Sometimes, if my mom was feeling playful, we would have a water fight in the living room. And then we would just go to laundry mountain over in the hallway and grab some towels to clean up any extra mess. Now, we did clean a little. We would make space for dance contests in the weekends, kind of push everything out to the edges. And once a year, we would have the Section 8 inspection, which was really more of a frantic throw everything in the dumpster as fast as possible than real cleaning.

 

So, I was definitely out of my element. But like I said, I was really determined. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to even get the handle to turn down so I could push the vacuum. But I figured it out, and I basically just pushed the vacuum in a circle for, like, 20 minutes in this little patch of the living room. But my teacher had said that she would pay me to do this, so I knew I had to earn my keep. So, I figured I'd clean the couch next. And people vacuum couches, right? [laughs] So, I picked up the vacuum and stuck it on the couch and kind of pushed it back and forth. [audience chuckles] I stopped that the second time that I got her curtains stuck in the vacuum. [audience chuckles] I knocked over a few vases.

 

And after about 45 minutes, I really started to wonder “What was I doing here? This place was already clean, really clean, and she needed it cleaner? Was this a thing that people did? They just cleaned for no reason?” [audience laughter] And after a little bit of time, I started to feel uncomfortable. Really, I was not earning whatever she was giving me, and I kind of wanted to go home. And after about an hour she came down and said my mom was going to be there soon. My mom showed up and we walked to the door and she handed me $50. [laughs] $50 for basically destroying her curtains and [audience chuckles] pushing a vacuum in a circle for an hour.

 

My mom looked really nervous and kind of relieved, but she definitely didn't look happy. We walked past my teacher's shiny Saab and I noticed for the first time how beat up my old hand-me-down Honda looked. We drove home. We didn't talk much about it. It was after that I kind of started to notice the comments that people would say. Our house, it was dirty and sometimes the lights didn't work. Our clothes were funny. I started to be embarrassed of the mustard sandwiches that my mom would pack for lunch and she would wrap them in paper and draw little cartoons on them. Because my friends all had lunchables, I stopped inviting people over.

 

Part of the reason why I'm telling you guys this is because I am a 33-year-old woman with a job, a degree, two good kids, friends, but I still don't know how to vacuum. [audience laughter] I have a vacuum because that's a thing that grown-ups have. [audience chuckles] But I would have to move the laundry in order to be able to vacuum and that's just not happening at this stage of the game. Now I don't have dishes on my floor, they live in the sink where dishes go. [audience chuckles] But people don't know this about me because I don't let anybody come over to my house.

 

But I think what I'm starting to realize is that my teacher's weird act of charity, it didn't reveal any truths to me. It revealed a lie. And the truth is what I had known before that day. Our house was dark and cold sometimes and messy and chaotic. But it was full of dance contests and weird food competitions. It was full of water fights and laughter and love. And I hope one day I will be able to invite people in and you guys can come take a break from your orderly lives and I'll make some room on the floor. We'll have a picnic and when we're done, we can just leave the dishes for later. It's totally cool. [audience chuckles] Maybe we'll have a dance contest, my kids have some sweet moves. But before you leave, if one of you could teach me how to use my vacuum, [audience chuckles] I would really appreciate it.