Jessi Klein - Dale

 

 

On the morning of my 28th birthday, I woke up at the happiest place on Earth, aka the Enchanted Kingdom, aka Disney World, aka what the hell am I doing here? Actually, I was there for the wedding of my little sister, who in a sort of like Sixteen Candles twists, had decided that she was going to get married on the day before my birthday at Disney World. [audience laughter] 

 

And just to be clear, it wasn't like she and her fiancé\ were like “getting married at Disney World” like ironically, like, "Ha-ha, so funny." [audience chuckles] Like, it wasn't like drinking PBR wearing like Von Dutch trucker cap irony funny. It was more like she and her fiancé were both like super into Disney World and mega psyched to get married there. [audience chuckles] That's their thing.

 

Now, the thing is my family is Jewish, obviously. [audience laughter] My sister's fiancé’s family, they're conservative Jews. So, when we found out they wanted to get married at Disney World, we were collectively very surprised and collectively super not stoked. [audience chuckles] My dad nominated me to have the talk with her about maybe not doing this. But she was very stubborn about it. That's what they wanted to do. She was insistent on going forward with this plan, which meant that I was going to spend my birthday sliding into my 30s as a single girl celebrating the wedding of my little sister at Disney World. Yay.

 

So, just to give you a little bit of background, I am the middle sibling of three little sisters, older brother. At this point in the story, both of my siblings have found their partners on the worldwide interweb. I am the only single one of the groups. Still am. That's not really the point right now. Just putting it out there [audience laughter] if anyone really gives a [beep] or whatever. [audience laughter] While I'm very happy for them, I'm also very disturbed for myself, because the thing is, when we were kids we were all so super nerdy. Hard to imagine, I'm sure. [audience laughter] We were super, we were shocking awe nerds. But comparatively, I was like the least nerdy. 

 

So, I always imagined that if any of us were going to find someone, it would be me. My mantra when I was with him was always like, “Good luck, nerds. Hope you find someone. [audience laughter] And now, they've both married-- My brother had married and she is marrying very nice people, and I am the one who's home alone eating macadamia nut, lonely heart chunk ice cream [audience chuckles] and listening to the Ally McBeal soundtrack, [audience chuckles] which that's sad and true.

 

Anyway, so, a couple of weeks before the wedding, my sister informs me that she and her fiancé have decided to spend a little extra to have the characters attend the reception. [audience laughter] So, my plan is to leave Friday morning for the rehearsal dinner, which is Friday night. And because I leave everything to the last minute, I don't pick up my bridesmaid dress till Thursday morning. It's like a floor length lavender embroidered sateen thing. It's just beautiful. [audience laughter]

 

Anyway, so, I have it. And then, around 04:30 that afternoon as I'm wrapping up a long day of personal emailing and googling myself, [audience laughter] all of a sudden the lights pop out and my computer goes off and the Northeast is plunged into the worst blackout in the history of the United States. I don't know if anyone remembers that fun time. So, with the subways not working, I join-- Just remember the throngs of humanity trudging through the August heat. From Midtown, I have to walk home to Brooklyn just with thousands of other New Yorkers. But I notice that I'm the only one carrying a 30-pound bridesmaid dress over my shoulder. 

 

I realized somewhere around Varick Street that I have become a Kathy cartoon. [audience laughter] Like, just that horrible woman from the comics who like, “Hates horizontal stripes and doesn't want to shop for a bathing suit.” And it's like “Arg! sweat beads.” And I was like “Ugh.” [audience laughter] So, with all the power out, I really almost did not make it to the wedding. And in fact, I did not make it to the rehearsal dinner. I went to the terminal at JFK the next day to the Delta terminal, and I discover that all the power is out there. And miraculously, in a post 9/11 world, they also have no plan for dealing with no power, like at all. 

 

And in fact, some guy gets on a megaphone [audience laughter] and tells all of the people that it's a crapshoot as to whether any planes are going to take off. [audience laughter] Crapshoot isn't a word you want to hear anywhere near air travel. [audience laughter] It's like, “Maybe, maybe not.” [audience laughter] And so, actually, I didn't make it. You know, no planes take off that day. I get home desperately trying to find any plane to get me to Disney World the next day. There is one ticket left on any carrier. It's on Continental, one way, New York to Orlando. It's $800, which is what I spent going to Japan round trip a few months [chuckles] before. But I have to buy it, it's my sister's wedding.

 

The next morning, I go to the flight. I'm so stressed and nervous before the flight that as soon as I sit down, I take an Ambien. I forget that you should not take a whole Ambien before a two-hour flight. [audience laughter] So, oops. So, when I land, I am wildly hallucinating. [audience laughter] Wildly seeing double. Greeted by a wedding planner who's like, "Go directly to hair." And I'm like, "I'm going." And then, you're just melting. Everything's melting. [audience chuckles] 

 

The Ambien just starts to wear off sometime around the beginning of the reception, at which point I'm so exhausted, I just decide the only logical thing to do is get really drunk and wait for the characters to arrive [audience laughter] The amazing thing about the way they do the character entries at a Disney wedding, is that they go B list and then C list and then A list. So, first, Donald and Daisy come in. And then, Chip 'n Dale, the Chipmunks. And then, just when you're like, “Going crazy, you can't wait another second, you're going to burst. Mickey and Minnie are here. Mickey and Minnie are here.” [audience chuckles] They're like, “Yay.” It's like staggered. [audience laughter] 

 

So, Mickey and Minnie come in and they start us doing the Hora, because it is a Jewish wedding [audience laughter] for real. And the character whose hand I end up holding is Dale's. [audience laughter] Pretty quickly, I find myself in a flirtation that I can best describe as smoldering. [audience laughter] Because at first, we're dancing and then we're like, slow dancing. My torso is pressed against his furry little underbelly. [audience laughter] I think part of the reason it so sensuous, two things. One, they're not allowed to speak, so they just silence. [audience chuckles] You can't talk at all. Nothing. And then, other thing is you can't see into their eyes. All you see are just these blood black dots of vast, endless hatred. So sexy. [audience laughter] So, a few hours later, I am so wasted, but totally happy. Me and Dale are entwined. We are the envy of all the other interspecies couples in the room. [audience laughter] 

 

And Lady in Red is playing, and I have my head on Dale's shoulder. I realize there's never going to be a more perfect moment to make my move. So, I squeeze his paw. [audience chuckles] And then I step back and I'm like-- I try to be sexy. As sexy as you can be after three vodka tonics, two Disney Chardonnays, and a 10 mg Ambien. And I'm like, "Look, I'm having a really great time with you, and I don't want it to end. I am staying at the Contemporary Resort [audience laughter] in room 239. I don't know if you want to come back to my room, but you're totally invited." And Dale just stops and takes a step back and then he just goes [mimicking sound] [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]

 

That was the moment when I realized, “Oh my God, if he consummates this, he will probably be fired. Potentially, also killed.” We're in a kingdom. Like, who knows what laws apply? [audience laughter] And then, it wasn't till a few days later that I real-- Literally maybe a week. I was like, “Person in the costume. Not necessarily a man. Actually, probably not.” [audience laughter] Anyway, it was a night. The next morning, I wake up. It is my birthday. I am on a twin-size bed alone on Eeyore sheets. [audience laughter] Even though my flight is not till 10, I leave there at 06:00 AM, because the room is so unbearably disgusting. I cannot be in there another second. It's so ugly. 

 

So, I get to the terminal, I watch the sunrise, I wait for the woman to come and start letting people into the gate. I never, ever play the birthday card. I hate that. But because it's been such a crazy weekend, when the woman arrives, I go up to her and I'm like, "Look, I had this crazy time getting here. Blackout. Is there any way you could upgrade me to first class?" She's really nice and she's like, "You know, there's no first class on this plane. But I promise we'll take care of you." “Great. Fine.” I figure maybe an extra blanket. That sounds perfect.

 

So, people start to arrive at the gate. It's a couple hundred people, whatever. And then, we find out we're going to be delayed again. Someone's cranky. And the woman gets on the loudspeaker finally, and she's like, "Okay, I want to thank y'all for choosing Delta Song today. We're probably going to board you in about 20 minutes. But before I do, just want to let y'all know we have a birthday girl here today. [audience laughter] Her name's Jessi. I think we just all sing Happy Birthday'. [audience laughter] and I'm just like, “You [beep] You [beep].” You know, just tidal wave of hatred for her. [audience laughter] But it's interrupted, because everyone, despite the fact that it's super early and we're delayed and everyone's really upset, everyone starts to sing Happy Birthday to me. [audience chuckles] And that, like, really sweet. 

 

It just changed everything. I was like, “This has actually all been leading to this moment.” [audience laughter] I feel like people-- I have this optimism now. Like, people are really nice. People are basically good. We're all just on this crazy blue marble together. [audience chuckles] One love. Just lovely, you know? And then, we get on the plane, and I get a plastic glass or Shampers. So nice. I just sit in my seat, and I'm like, I'm making-- Everything's fine. Like, I feel I've done it. I made it through this weekend. It's my birthday. It's going to be fine. I'm really relaxed. 

 

And then about, I don't know, half an hour into the flight, just feeling good with the Shampers, and [chuckles] all of a sudden, the woman gets on the thing, and she's like, "We're going to be short flight today. Going to be cruising back into New York in about 45 minutes. And thank you all for choosing Delta song today. I do want to just let y'all know, we have a birthday girl here on the plane today, so why don't we all sing her a Happy Birthday? And I'm like, “No.” Because it's so obvious. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone's like, "What?" You know what I mean? Because it's so clear, the woman at the gate did not communicate with the woman on the plane. [audience chuckles] 

 

Now, it seems like I'm a jackass. [audience laughter] Like, I'm the kind of person who tells everyone I meet it's my birthday. [audience laughter] Like, I'm five years old, like, some [beep] And I'm so embarrassed. And then, this guy, like, eight seats behind me says, super loud. He goes, "We already [beep] sang it." [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

] I was like, “Oh, right. People are basically bad. People are basically bad,” [audience laughter] and just slouched down in my seat, waited to get back to New York where the lights were finally back on. Thank you, guys, so much.